I wanna look up at the stars and be one. I want to become a star in a consolation. I wish I could be a free spirit. I love to just be able to clear my head at night in the starlight. All the trauma and shit. Nothing I can do in this world will be able to even remotely relate to his touch, his voice, his touch, his smell, literally everything about that man that was in my life. He was my soulmate and my stars. I wanted to go star shopping with him. Look at the star, look at the moon, look at […]

im being ignored irl and online
thats good for me
im worth nothing

it doesn’t get any less unsettling.  it’s just as disturbing as the first time i experienced it.

hands.  hands that aren’t there.  gripping my neck, my shoulders, my face.

the feeling of someone standing directly behind me.  i feel their breath on the back of my neck.  i can feel their eyes on me, an unforgiving gaze.

but there’s nobody there.  nobody is ever there.

sometimes, things he said replay faintly.  but there is no noise.  the room is quiet.  i am alone.

but he’s still here, watching me.  suffocating me.  controlling me.

he still, in some way, has managed to lay his hands on me.  he never did, he was […]

There’s not a single day that has gone by in the last six years where I didn’t think about killing myself. How I would do it. Where I’d go. What would I do to prevent anyone from getting to me. It’s scary, because I’ve been thinking about it for so long now, I’ve gotten good at it. I know what would kill me, it’s so easy. I don’t want to share it because of how readily available it is. But I’ve run the scenario through my head over, and over, and over. I can’t get it out.

I don’t talk about these feelings with […]

I study misery, so depression would be a common and understandable outcome. I’ve been thinking though about why I keep coming back to that state of powerlessness, of wanting to walk away from the project. I have a degree in psychology, published research, and I work with trauma victims.

The thing that irritates me, and I’ve been trying to find a way to discuss this with anyone who will listen… Though the violent people, the angry people, the judgemental people, may look like the problem, the problem is us. Those of us in polite society who are willing to dismiss; “evil”, “sick”, “racist”, does it matter? […]

admin i just thought id bring this to your attention and i thought i would make my own post to ensure that if it gets deleted i will know that you deleted it only proving that youre only covering for this troll.

they find it funny that they could have lead to someones death. they make a point about them posting afterwards […]

Do some of you visit cemeteries whenever you feel very depressed. I tend to visit them when there aren’t many people around. Every time I walk thru the cemetery I cannot help but envy the people who have already passed away, and I’m glad that those people aren’t suffering any more.

I started a new hobby recently -drone flying, and this is a video I took few days ago of the cemetery I usually visit. It’s the largest cemetery in the country in which I live in (Macedonia). I would appreciate it very much if you please tell me in the comments what do you think […]

Where there are healthier outlets than anonymous/online suicide sites, why do you enable risk by not using preventative measures? You only intervene by covering up/deleting traces of bullying, partnering, and posts about wanting advice on suicide methods. – Should something happen to a younger person, where’s the explanation for the family?
Younger people are also very impressionable. This site frequently mentions suicide as a right- and the helping world/ a bad place.  Why aren’t you using preventative measures like providing an age limit?  It’s a serious issue that remains neglected.

Better things will come when I leave this spot. I miss the sun so much. I miss morning coffee, honestly. The summer just flies by when you’re here at night.

Homophobia happened a couple days ago. This never happened to me before, It sort of took me by surprise…

I think this is where I genuinely appreciate underground blogs that focus on real people and the genuine parts about them. It creates a welcoming atmosphere – it cheers you up –

I try and try again to be happy and sometimes it’s just useless

I hate spending my weekends with my abusive parents. I hate it. I fucking hate it. Something bad always happens that brings back my suicidal thoughts. I wish I could turn 18 and so I could just leave already.

don’t comment things that are even remotely sexual on my posts. I am a minor. I am a minor. I am a minor. no innuendos, no sex jokes, no encouraging me to be sexually promiscuous. it’s gross and it makes me want to cry. it’s triggering.  I thought I had made it abundantly clear that I have undergone long term child sexual abuse.  my sexuality is completely messed up because of it.  I’ve had abusers use the context of bdsm to make it seem like what was happening to me was “okay” and “normal”.  don’t give me abuse hypotheticals. don’t tell me ways to “get […]

Everything is finally falling back into place. Finally.

Ever since I was a kid, I’ve always hated talking to and being around other humans, if I could’ve moved to somewhere remote and be isolated when I was a kid, I would’ve been the happiest person on earth

i am left with unbearable shame after what he did to me.  i dwell on what i “could have done differently” and go into a spiral of self blame and hatred.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  it’s my fault.  when truly, no, it wasn’t.  he had every opportunity to not be an abusive, sadistic, conscienceless monster.  he chose to continue.  he chose to blackmail me.  he chose to abuse me.  he chose to force me to mutilate myself.  i did not choose to be abused.  i did not choose to be stripped of my dignity.  i did not choose to become a puppet.

I WAS […]

To me, “faith” implies optimism, I suppose. I have faith that drivers will yield right of way to me as I cross a street. I have faith the captain of an airliner will keep me safe. I’m optimistic these outcomes will be positive.

I’m sitting in church right now. Catholic church. There’s a ritual called adoration that’s taking place as I type this. The priest places an edible wafer into a shiny gold display medium, called a monstrance.  He sets it on the altar, facing the parishioners, where it sits for a few hours, allowing the faithful to sit in the presence of “god.”  Here’s a […]

I was at a party. Enjoying the company of my friends. I was so happy and excited. I even dressed up well for the occasion. Then, out of a sudden, I stopped smiling. I wanted to cry and scream. I went home feeling mad. Rapid thoughts. All I could understand was “I want to die.” I want to kill myself. For some reasons, the thought of it calmed me down and at the same time, exhausted me. I could not do it. Which is a good thing, I guess. I’m so tired. I’m going to sleep. Honestly, I hope I won’t wake up. […]