I’m sorry if my post looks like some kind of virtue signalling.
As if it wasn’t already bad enough. Now the rates of domestic violence, mental illness, and other things are going to go through the roof. People are already killing themselves due to the lockdowns and isolation.
People are losing everything, their jobs, and they can’t even go and visit others (depends on the lockdown severity).

And yes it amazes me (but it shouldn’t) on how easily people are controlled. Humanity is such a failure!
I’m not denying the severity of corona though.
That’s as far as I’ll write.

I haven’t had my first therapy session yet. It’s next Wednesday. I scheduled it this past week. However, at this point in time, I feel like no amount of therapy will help. No amount of medication will help. I just feel that I’m fundamentally wrong. I feel that suicide for me isn’t a matter of being unhappy or having my back against the wall. It’s just a simple means of escape. It’s a route to take because I feel like I serve no purpose. I know there are ways to remedy this besides suicide. Ways […]

I know now.

It isn’t because the darkness surrounds me.

It isn’t because it comes to me everytime.

It is because I am darkness.

I am made of it.

It is inside me.

I am a creature of darkness.

So there is no way I can get rid of it.

I will suffer for eternity.

Because that’s who I am.

I can’t escape from myself..

I’m not sure what to do. I dont want to keep living, but I have people who love me…. my girlfriend for example. We first got together when she herself was going to kill herself. But she’s better and I’m…. not. And I dont even have a bad life. I cant talk to anyone about it without them freaking out, so here I am. I actually found this looking up how to write a suicide letter….

i feel like shit. i woke up feeling ok. i dont know what happened. and im not eating. i just looked at my breakfast and felt revolted pushing it aside. ive been dealing with a headache since yesterday. i took like 4 advil yesterday and today its even worse. everything was fine just an hour ago. it was actually amazing, i saw a bald eagle yesterday and it was no more then 20ft then me, i heard a coyote pack howling (which honestly scared me lol) and i was still going on about it this morning then i was doing some jigsaw puzzles and now […]

Hello, I am from a southeast Asian country. I don’t really know this website until my old friend introduced this to me 6 years ago. He’s from the USA and I met him online. From then on, I kept reading posts from random strangers who had different stories to tell. I felt the belongingness that I kept on searching for all of my life. I stopped.. because it’s consuming me. 4 years after, I am here again. There is this sadness that I don’t even know where it is coming from. It keeps on haunting me. Every night. Every time I’m alone. Always. It’s like […]

If it wasn’t for my boyfriend idk where I would be at. I’m honestly so blessed to have him. as some people know that have read my rants and stuff I’ve been crying everyday for a couple of months and almost 2-5 times a day and just been hurting really bad and hating who I am and suicide was a heavy thought on my mind. But if it wasn’t for him I’m pretty sure I would be gone. He deals with my mental break downs and when I cry and when I get angry and when I’m numb. We do argue a lot but he […]

I shouldn’t have said anything to anyone that I actually know about my feelings. I know it’s supposed to help, it hasn’t.

I feel like now that they know what I felt I have to be better now so they can now stop worrying. I’m walking on eggshells every time I open my mouth for fear that what I’ll say may seem suicidal/depressed/distraught and give them a hint that I’m still not okay.

I have and do feel better, better in a way; I’m better in that I can hear the world around me over the voices of my mind, I can actually comprehend what […]

Just someone to listen…

No not about Corona…

I think because of the emotional and physical suffering I went and still go trough I won’t last much longer.

Aside from my mental breakdown this morning… im not feeling too bad today.

Only those people who are lucky & fortunate in life who can loudly say that life is a gift. The reality is, not everyone is fortunate. In fact, most people on this planet live in pain & sufferings just barely enough to survive. And then, even if people live in the first-world developed countries like in U.S or Europe for example, there are ironically still people who are depressed, and even suicidal/commit suicide. If life is a gift, like most people nowadays keep saying, then why all those reality exist? The only answer I can think of is: it is human’s nature perhaps for (most) […]

I hate talking about my feelings. People nod and smile like they understand how my emotions make me feel. They laugh and say everything will be okay, but it won’t. It never is. I smile back, give them a nod.

”Yeah, you’re right. Thanks!”

I say it every time just to get away. I break down, mentally exhausted, and reach out for comfort or even help… but nothing arises. They just say the same old shit:

Itll get better, you’ll be fine, stop worrying so much.

It gets worse when people have nothing to say. They just give you a sympathetic look. They just try to relate when they […]

Apparently closed eye hallucination is a thing. I’m pretty sure I wasn’t dreaming, I was fully awake, I felt as if my eyes were open, then I had to close my eyes multiple times in the hallucination to open my eyes in real life. I felt first as if I was lying on the other side of the room, then from the dark behind my eyelids I saw a man walking to the washroom, I was squatting by a trash bin, there was a cup of coffee on top of the bin, the man walked into the washroom, then suddenly there was an lineup, a […]

i’m losing everyone i had. even my own son. and it’s all my fault. i can’t even be the mother my son needs. with his father out of the picture i’m all he’s got. all he’s got for a damn mother who changes her mood every hour. who one second will love him to death and another second will want to be left alone. i yell and i am so sorry. i can’t control it and i grew up being used to being yelled at. i try so hard to be what my parents weren’t. loving. yet i feel myself falling onto the patterns of […]

I don’t remember when I found this place. I was in highschool and feeling like shit and just sad, and somehow I wound up here. Over the years I come here on and off and on and off again. Just depends on how I’m feeling. I think my initial reasons for using this place was to vent and find some sort of help. I found out some what later that this isn’t really the place for that. This is more like a journal for me to put my thoughts down on. I’ve often described this place as a […]

There’s this constant battle between wanting isolation and not. Finding solitude but also wanting it to break for a time. Has it just became a habit that I want to be alone because it’s more convenient? How my mind contradicts with the thought of not wanting any more hands to hold in fear of mistrusting someone and making the biggest mistake of your life and also reaching out for someone and still possibly making the biggest mistake of your life. There are days where I find comfort in loneliness but there are days where I want to escape and tell the world how I feel. […]

I don’t know where else to go. I don’t know who to trust at this point. What if you trust two people but they seem to be telling different points of view about something that has happened but it doesn’t connect with each other? How will you know who’s lying? How will you know who to trust when all of them has lied to you at some point in your life? I feel like I’m losing my mind.

am i really doing the right thing here? once the month is up…..i might wait a little longer until after his bday considering i started a few days sooner then i planned but aside from that….once the month is up. im going back to drinking and smoking up all the time. it was the one time i wasnt suicidal. the one time where death wasnt on my mind. why am i even bothering if im going to go back to it like i never stopped? idk. maybe my mind will chance by then and even if it doesnt the occasional break will be good for […]

No specifics about method per rules.  Have my chosen chemical, anti-emetic, Xanex to relax, and pain meds now so ready to hit the road.  Not about the COVID pandemic – just isn’t much of a concern for me as I’ve been ready for a long time. After 30 years of hard work and being kicked to the curb from CEO to poverty plus multiple system atrophy (MSA) I just don’t have the drive to carry on and will end it in the coming days. It was a good run with lots of great travels to countries and interesting work, but time to go.  Well insured […]