No specifics about method per rules. Have my chosen chemical, anti-emetic, Xanex to relax, and pain meds now so ready to hit the road. Not about the COVID pandemic – just isn’t much of a concern for me as I’ve been ready for a long time. After 30 years of hard work and being kicked to the curb from CEO to poverty plus multiple system atrophy (MSA) I just don’t have the drive to carry on and will end it in the coming days. It was a good run with lots of great travels to countries and interesting work, but time to go. Well insured […]
My mother was cleaning out a bookshelf today to put in my brother’s room. One of the books I saw lying around was my sophmore yearbook from highschool. I couldn’t help but take a small look at it. Flip through the pages a bit. They were all strangers. People who seemed vaguely familiar yet looked like every other person I’d see walking down the street. A few faces seemed recognizable, but I can’t say I could put a personality or voice to the face. They were just blank sets. Then I saw my picture. What a […]
I feel so terrible about myself, but simultaneously love all the reasons I have for hating myself. It’s both the worst and most awful thing ever and the most amazing incredible thing imaginable. In short, my mind is fucked.
I don’t want to feel this anymore. Except parts of me really do.
I want to eradicate this from my mind. Purge it all, wipe it from existence. Or sink into it and be completely consumed by it.
It’s living with it that’s the problem. Like a shard in my mind. This terrible unforgivable thing driving me. I can’t bear it. But I can’t bear to let go either. […]
I shared a room with my younger brother and our room, connected to our father;s by a shared bathroom.Now a lot of this is a blur to me because for one I was little and for two, I spent most of my life trying to forget. I don’t remember when it all started but I do remember this one day. I was in the bathroom and he called for me. His room was always dark and cold. He gestured for me to sit on his bed and I did. My dad was the only parent I ever had. I dont remember much but I remember […]
After I found out….. I just gave up. My friend offered to take me in after my sick sadistic retard mom made me stay with a family of narcissistic sociopaths for two years… That alone drove me into a mental institution. And our mental healthcare system is so fucked
They didn’t care why or how I got there… Not that I told them anyway. Not the real reason, just part of it. I wasn’t about to tell them I talk to myself without realizing it. Why would I give them an advantage like that over me, something to torture and prod me with… I just told […]
I keep thinking back to that night 28 November at 03:58, when i wrote my goodbye note on my computer just minutes before the attempt.
Why did it have to fail again, it does not gets better like everyone promise it will.
I have never succeed anything in my life not even my last attempt, why I’m such failure in anything I try to do in my life. Everyday, every night I dream back to that moment. I’m going to try again and hope this time I get some good sleep from it.
I’m doing this for you. Why do you hate me? Why haven’t we talked in days!? You didn’t answer me for an hour the other night until I was leaving for work and then all you did was send me a smiley face and that was the last thing I heard from you.
Im sorry :'( i know I’m probably over reacting. I know theres probably an explanation. It’s just….I dont feel the same way towards you anymore….I guess that’s how i protect myself now after being hurt so much. I use to have to talk to you. But I dont much care anymore. Although it’s […]
I don’t frequent these feelings often, but when I do I’m scared. I get lost in the thought of hating everything I am. No faith for change, for adaptation. I wake up the same each day, my mindset doesn’t change. My energy comes sporadically, periodically through the day I’ll find small bursts of motivation. I know at the rate I’m going, I’ll be nothing. I’ll be nobody. Yet, with this knowledge, I still can’t get out of bed in the mornings. I don’t have the energy to brush my teeth, or take a shower. The dirt clothes have been piling up for over a month. […]
I’m in the position a lot of you wish you were in. The point where it gets easier. The point where suicide is actually in sight. As one approaches the act of suicide they start to hear voices in their head antagonizing them. I’m not relating that as my personal experience. Scientifically speaking, that’s what almost always happens.
Once or twice, awhile back, I actually heard the voices in my head. I immediately suppressed them, but I take a slight comfort knowing they’re there and if I wanted I could slip back into that state again and cultivate those voices by engaging with them instead.
I’ve been […]
is it just me or is the night worse? i start work at 2am. and i find between then and daylight i have nothing. no motivation. i cant move. i cant speak. but when daylight gets here its gets a little better. im still suicidal and what not but it becomes easier to push it aside, as long as something doesnt trigger me, which something typically does.
Everyone wants it both ways. I’ve fucking destroyed myself to give the people I care about everything, even when it crosses my boundaries, even when it fucking killed me. What the hell am I supposed to do? I fucking drop anything, and I mean nothing to anyone I care about, and that will kill me worse. I try to do everything and that kills me, too. It’s not like I have any direction on my own, so why shouldn’t I drop everything to wholly serve those I care about? What the hell else would I do? I have nothing going for me; I’m fucking pathetic. […]
I wish they were dead for years. I would have killed them but I am afraid of going to prison
I think the worst thing about being ghosted is that there isn’t really anything to do about it. It just is what it is. Deep down I hope for another shot just to hear her voice, but I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of shots. It’s funny that 70% of that friendship was so stressful thinking about what she was doing and hoping she was ok and wondering why she wasn’t picking up my calls and wondering if I said anything wrong. But for that sweet 30%, it was just nice to hear her voice. To know that she was […]
I hear it calling.
I see it shining.
Edge of mercy.
Finds me dying.
Cold is the touch.
Sharp is the blade.
Holding it gently.
The cut is made.
Feel the sting.
A tear of red.
Smell the blood.
Close to dead.
Taste the power.
Controlling this knife.
Relief is coming.
Surge of life.
Water running.
Sound of peace.
Washed away.
Pain to cease.
Now I’m living.
Not for long.
Short term high.
Repeat again this dance and song.
I’ve always thought of this place as a place for people who are diagnosed. I guess that’s why I never felt like I should write here. Now I’m pretty sure I need some kind of help because I saw that I actually have written entries here.
Schoolwork overwhelms me + Im @ my parents
Started abusing some meds that lay round at my house, e.g. zolpidem, which is horrible, I’m just wobbling round the house all day. Wish I could find somewhere more xanny but I popped them all. All of this is probably because of the ecstasy I took like 3-4 weeks ago (1st time doing […]
So I live in Canada, and we are all under this quarantine and my work is closed. Normally I have no issues staying home, infact I prefer it. But now I can’t go out and see people who make me happy. And my living situation with my parents is so horribly toxic I feel like i’m drowning. Everything I fucking do is wrong. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t deserve the bullshit I get but here we are. I haven’t been depressed in months. I worked so hard, so fucking hard not to be anymore and in 3 weeks […]
One pull of the trigger. One gulp of the pill. Thats it. Itll be over. All this pain and suffering…..ceased. Turned into nothingness. No more memories. No more thoughts. But i dont have a gun. But i dont have a pill. i do have a bottle. i do have a joint. and thats as close to dead as i can get right now. in time though…. i cant see me lasting much longer. i dont see my death as a peaceful old lady laying in bed, surrounded by loved ones as my life slowly leaves me. i see it ending in a jump. a bloody […]
This constant hate for myself has been getting overwhelming. Honestly suicide has started to become a huge option. I try to think positively of myself and about my life but I can’t and it’s really hard. I know there are peoples life’s worse than mine but I just don’t like myself and I always feel like I don’t deserve to live. I’ve been crying everyday of my life for the past couple of months non stop about 2-5 times a day. My body has become so weak and I always feel exhausted for all this crying but get 4 hours or less sleep a day. […]
I’ve got a dirty secret.
hush now, never tell.
quite a filthy secret-
for which I’ll burn in hell.
see, such a nasty secret.
should never cross ones lips;
so 10 long years I’ve waited
Whilst through my soul it rips.
I’ve sat alone, pretending
that everything’s just fine.
I swore I’d never tell a soul
but after all this time…
I find myself just burning
to say those secret words.
The truth to sink in someone’s ear,
to finally be heard.
The twisted nauseation
to curl around their soul,
As they find that they believe me.
The curse of knowledge in whole.
Alas, it’ll never be spoken aloud.
it’s […]
y’know, maybe i should be working on the assignments i said i would instead of letting one email get to me like this. But I can’t. I already put this up on a vent channel elsewhere but I deleted it because my friends were on there and I felt like such a bother. I mean, the person who got me here was me and me alone, why should I involve others like this? Then again, I just really wanted to get something out there other than keeping it in my mind and have it tear me down. I’ve always felt better after getting it out […]