So, I don’t even wanna hear another single person dare make the mistake of telling me to stop thinking about my trauma, when they have no fucking idea that I’ll be carrying this shit to my brain. I’m the only one in this whole stupid family who suffers from real trauma and any other mental illness, that I’ll be taking to my grave. Even though there’s times when I’m extremely stressed about trauma and other times when my trauma still affects me but not as bad, either way this traumatic shit is always there somewhere inside of me, and most willing to Provoke me anytime […]

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I’ve been trying to write a post about the general comfort of horror, why it works for me and helps so much. Sadly, it’s still too broad, and I find myself sounding more like a manic fanboy (which, to be fair, I am), and it isn’t useful. I want to be useful, even if it’s just recommending good distractions.

For me entertainment is effective when it is meaningful, when it tugs at something deeper that wanted to get out. It is with that in mind, I introduce for your approval; The Music of Erich Zann by HP Lovecraft.

https://www.hplovecraft.com/writings/texts/fiction/mez.aspx

I now plan to discuss why this particular work […]

Lately I’ve been playing a dangerous game with my sleep. I pull late nighters to do stuff for the lab or cram for an exam. The thing is, I can’t do that anymore. Lack of sleep is one of the major triggers for a manic episode. Even on medication, I could still be susceptible to a hypomanic episode. So then I start checking certain things about myself whenver I do late nighters. Do I feel tired, how is my mood, are my thoughts skewing towards delusions. When I feel extremely tired and have the same low self-esteem and […]

I realized I’m very sick , I’ve been living this fake life trying to pretend to be normal. I try to to fit in have a normal life but in reality it’s just not try to end up hospitalized or worst dead. I realize this is all I am and will eventually be is dead. I remember that I lie and fake being fine and functioning like having a job but it’s cover for me being broken. I’ll honestly would have killed myself if I didn’t. But the idea of being hospitalized is worst. So I do things like lie, say I’m fine without the […]

Apparently with the job market the way it is I can’t get the start I need to get to move forward. Entry Level Helpdesk or Support jobs are just not there right now. Did some courses here and there but need more experience, and the only way to get experience is to get a job, but the only way to get the job is to have the experience. Commence loop.

Don’t have enough money to get the certs I want or a degree because current job doesn’t pay enough. Sick of the current job to the point where I may just quit without a job lined […]

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~1min

Glad someone out there is finally talking about this shit.

If affirmations worked, MILLIONS of ppl suffering from depression and shit lives wouldn’t still be suffering from depression and shit lives. And if you disagreed with affirmations, you were labeled as “negative” and “not even trying,” as if the solution is there ALL along and you just won’t listen to it, bc we just WANT to stay depressed. Anyone dissenting on the status-quo or established dogma is always treated like shit, like we’re crazy, like we’re just not trying, or we just don’t want to get better. -_-

I’m sure affirmations work for […]

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Been putting off posting again. I do that a lot. I have a lot on my mind, but just never find the time to put write them down. Quit my deli job. Hated that fucking job. So god damn much. I was falling behind on school and so I put in my one week notice on Tuesday. My last day was slow. Practically dead. I think I used the slicer less than 5 times. The only thing was I had to train a new guy on how to close plus pick up the slack for […]

If you can tolerate Gilbert Gottfried singing a song

(and here’s me realizing I’m old again, apparently young folks today don’t know who Gilbert Gottfried is…. which I find rude, do I go around saying that I don’t know who Pete Davidson is? No, he’s an ex SNL guy who is friends with John Mulaney, because I keep up with culture)

he was a comedian known for a particularly unpleasant voice….. but damn if he doesn’t nail it in this song. I never thought I’d find something to like about this movie, a movie I swear the rest of the world forgot about

and comparing myself to this […]

Wouldn’t it be nice to be one of those ppl who’s happy with a life of mediocrity? Some ppl are just fine working 9-5 in a mediocre job, making ok money, not having a deep purpose or meaningful impact on society, not achieving greatness, doesn’t care about finding the perfect partner but is happy with someone who’s just “good enough.” You know those ppl- those who are just happy with “ok.” Or happy enough with “ok.” People who don’t think too much. People who don’t question much, but just accept life for what it is.

Meanwhile, if you are one of […]

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????????? ????????? ????????????? – ??? ?????? ????????? ?????? ??? ????????? ??????? ????????. ????? 1Xbet ??????? ?? ???????: ??????????? ??? ????????? ?? ??????????? ? ?????????????? ? ?????????????? ??????, ????? ??? Bitcoin, Ethereum ? ??????, ? ????????? ??????? ?? ?? ????? ? ???? ??? ??????????. ???? ????? ????? ???????????? ???????????? ????? ???????? ??? ??????? ? ?????????.

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I know so many people who see me, talk to me, they think I express myself well, and I’m incredibly insightful….. and I’m…. THAT is the coping mechinism. I don’t belong, I’ve been an outsider for the longest time. Sometimes it’s a badge I wear with pride, but it’s also a source of shame. I tried to fit, I put immense work into trying.

and what scares me, as much as I allow myself to be scared by anything, is that I don’t want to try anymore.

because I’m a trauma survivor, my shields against the few things that really scare me are high. and in so […]

So lets start from the beginning back to the pandemic. Honestly I consider the pandemic the best time of my life! Despite it being terrible for everyone else, it was truly the best. I had lots of friends I spoke to everyday, school was incredibly easy, and my parents were proud of me. Fast forward to the July 2021 and I realize I am fucking trans. It was the worst! I knew I was bisexual for most of my life (despite me constantly hating myself for it AMAB btw), but now I was trans? Fuck. So I came out the month later and mom didn’t […]

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hm, Google showed me this a few videos after the George Carlin “Life is Worth Losing” clip. I’m sure it’s 100% coincidental, but it’s interesting this showed up on my feed…

~20s clip

Good ol’ George Carlin. He was WAY ahead of his time. Knew about The Agenda decades before any of us even had any inkling. If only he was alive today…

I suffer cognitive dissonance and pure O, so my decisions are hardly ever up to me and my body and mind don’t even belong to me anymore, so if I lose my cool at my house one more time, it’s gonna be out of my control and I’m gonna go homeless because of it. I feel like I’m fucking cursed, and shit never goes my way, and if anything is ever to go wrong, it’s gonna go wrong towards me and not anyone else. It’s also to the point where I don’t wanna do anything at all anymore and I’d just rather lie in bed […]