Fighting echoed though my house and ears. Screaming and yelling from my younger brothers mouths, screaming “I hate you!” “I wish you were never born!!” “Your stupid!”. All because you messed up, you made a mistake on a video game, geeze why this again? You never had suicidal thoughts before, where did you get the thought? You went up to your room silently screaming. You tried to drown but chickened out, you grabbed a belt and tightened it around your throat but the closet poll wasn’t high enough, you got another thought, you grabbed a razor you thought it wouldn’t cut good enough so you […]
Like for real though, do you even want me to be happy? It sure doesn’t seem like it. All you are doing is making me worse. I hope you’re happy, you have made me miserable. It seems like nobody cares about anybody anymore, am I the only one that has noticed this? Nobody is nice anymore, someone can be really hurt, and some would notice it, and what would they do… nothing. I hate my life, and I really don’t even care about anything or anybody too much anymore.
This is just another one of my useless,and stupid posts.
I’m not even sure if I can tell what is real anymore. The last year is a blur. I lost my wife. I quit my job. I lost my drivers licence. And now I cant even walk.
Recently I picked a fight with the wrong guy who broke my nose and then my leg when i was on the ground. As I am getting the shit kicked out of me I yell “KILL ME” at my attacker who immediately stops. Him and his friends back away as I black out.
I wake up in extreme pain. My foot is pointing the wrong way and I call an […]
every time a relationship starts to deepen, my brain starts to protest and makes me feel pain I can’t understand. But I think tonight, I finally understand where all this pain stems from. My excuses for running away from someone I like are “they don’t really like me in that way” or “I am not good enough for them”. If I look back to my childhood, I realize that my mom gave me mixed signals about love. I was loved if I was obedient, and I was given the cold shoulder if I disobeyed. I was not taught how to love or what real love […]
Those of you who saw my “Sushi-In-A-Desert” picture may have noticed this in the comments:
.
.
Um.
At some point on Sunday evening, I realized I couldn’t resist.
Samurai eating pizza in a bowling alley with an ancient Greek priestess.
Here:
.
I’m addicted to him. This beautiful man… I call him kitty. The sweetest of humans alive. He has, in the last few weeks, made me feel like love is real. Like it’s possible.
But it’s just another dangling carrot for a stupid rabbit. I can never be with him. Tonight we both admitted that.
I thought I could get better… but life just likes to show me, taunt me, with that which I want before it rips it away from me.
So I’ve decided to do a little chemistry experiment. The result will be a poison that is known for killing cattle in nature. But if I can […]
I need some advice. The more people respond to this thread the better, please.
Some of you might recognize me and know what I’m going through, well I may have found a way out.
There’s this scholarship I can apply for that will allow me to go to Japan for a degree. I match almost all the requirements, the only thing left to do would be the knowledge test. But…
I will die next year, that’s a real fact. So what if I get the scholarship? An entire government will put their trust in me, but I will fail them and end up dying. All the resources they’ll […]
I diagnosed myself to be a schizoid, but due to self-diagnosis, people may laugh it off, but I know myself very well.
I have no desire to live, or to die. I see no real meaning to continue living. Everyone has to die, isn’t it? It also seems to be the quicker way to get rid of the boredom I have had all my life. Though my circumstances are just as bad as any other suicidal person, I have no real emotional attachment to anything in life. I live alone in Japan, though I was not raised here, hence I don’t even speak japanese.
There is no […]
So this is just a stupid rant so read or not. ..
Im sitting on a crowded bus with class dust and tiny fragments of glass from work stuck to my sweaty skin cos the air con is not working on this bus. Some guy has tried to jam himself onto my seat when its fucking abvious im having trouble folding my 6’4″ body into a seat made for a person who is 5′. I keep sweating and thatmmakes me more Iitchy.
I feel like everyone is staring at me. Anxiety thru the roof. 2 girls behind will not shut the fuck up!!
“Like […]
This is my first time reaching out here. Originally I signed up to reach out at a very low point but instead found myself trying to help others. The struggle for me is so real. I put “the smile” on to often. I find myself thinking about dying more frequently.. Driving home tonight I just cried so much that it was to the point where I couldn’t see. The thought came to me….”would it really matter if I wrecked and ended it?” I struggled to find a reason why not to. By the time my mind cleared I was in my drive way. Just have […]
Please, can somebody help, even if it is just to talk? I’m at my wit’s end.
I’m no kid, I’m well old enough to remember the 80s. So, couple of years ago, I was getting on for that age when life begins (you know when I mean?) and thinking about being lonely. I’ve never dated anybody…hell, I’ve never done anything even most 13 year olds have done. Total level 1 noob at my age, ha.
Sure, I’d had offers but I was a robot who couldn’t feel romantic love. I felt nothing for those who had offered, so I turned ’em down (in a nice way, I aint […]
I just broke down crying in front of my mom, I never cry in front of her.
Okay, so I know I talk my ex incessantly, but I never talk about my real pain. I am a caretaker for my 70 year old mother. I forgot to schedule her transportation (because she’s wheelchair bound) for an appointment she has had for months with her pain doctor.
My brain is scattered. I can barely put on my shoes and yet I am bogged down with EVERYTHING. I have to do everything under the sun for her because she is disabled. I also run a business at home and […]
The friend I got to know with a mutual fetish and I ended up really liking beyond. I don’t know what kind of relationship it was. More then a platonic friendship, yet no serious commintment.
I guess it is my fault that I love him. Him for showing me something caring, sensual and loving without wanting to get into my pants.
He broke it to me a week ago. When we saw us first and had a lovely day together and wanting to repeat it some time later he actually saw another one. A real, biological woman and not just some wannabe.
He said he was sorry that he lied to […]
I’m a compulsive liar. I lie about silly things like what food I had for lunch or telling stories with friends. I also lie about real things like whether or not I cut or that I lost my job or that I’m not an alcoholic.
Here is the truth:
I am a failure. I dropped out of school because I have no drive and hated who I was at school, but blamed it on my depression. I lost my job because I didn’t want to show up, so I didnt, I then lied about why I lost my job. I was supposed […]
My bed is warm and safe. I like to be in bed because then I can hide away from the world.
I can dream and do all the things in my dreams that are virtually impossible (at least at the moment) in real life.
My cat sleeps on me and comforts me. I can play my 3DS and get lost in computer game worlds.
Sometimes, I get anxious and scared if I’m not in bed. I feel guilty because I feel as if I am wasting my life. But I don’t get any pleasure in going out where I live. It reminds me too much of the horrible […]
there is nothing in me but the desire for people to be people, for people to see people as people, and to know that this was and is a world worth fighting for.
there is hope, my god, for all the times we’ve been stubborn enough to destroy it, we have maintained it in equal measure. there are people, real people, out there with home in their hearts and you in their future and believe me, dear, they’ll love you as I love you: fully and deeply and truly, a bond between the living, the existing, the real.
oh, little one, if only you could know how […]
What happens when you’re young and optimistic,
But you grow old forget to be opportunistic?
What is it when you’ve loved and you’ve lived,
But now you hate and you’ve lost?
What do you do when you want to die at any cost?
Is life worth it if you’re not thriving at it?
All I want is happiness, why aren’t I striving for it?
Is it too much to ask, for this smile to be real?
It’s just a front, a face to conceal.
These tears flow like a river,
They come running out every night, as I shiver.
Why can’t I do it, just […]
i get deja vu so often i don’t know what’s real and it makes me panic. my head is all messed up and tied in knots and i can’t stop thinking about how this isn’t real, this is all fake somehow, i’m fake, and it makes me suicidal. i want to feel real again i haven’t felt really real in so long it makes me sick. i’m panicking right now and i don’t know what to do anymore just that i want to stop pretending to exist
But how can I know that you are really capable of thinking and I am the only real person here ?
So I watched two Matrix like movies (World on a wire & The thirteenth floor) and this documentary and I’m back to the thinking world again.
What is life and how are we any different from, say, a rock? I can’t get my head around feeling like a character in video game. What if I’m told today by a supernatural being that this really is a simulation and I’m a Mario like character in it? What difference will this revelation make in my life? I don’t think it will bring any difference. I will keep suffering from same things I suffer now. The state I’m […]
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