what happens if you try meds therapy etc and that don’t work am I mean to sit back and watch life move on without me even no I’m alive I would rather not be around sitting in the shade do depressed people get better or isit for life cause this sucks just surviving each day with no goals I do dread waking up most day to do the same thing all over again the next day
It comes to my mind occasionally, the prospect of waking up in a hospital following a suicide attempt.
It scares me. It unleashes a new fear of doubt and uncertainty: the question of, “what if?”
What if the rope doesn’t work, then what? Or the pills? What if the bullet misses, or the height is too short? That the bag doesn’t work, or that the blood doesn’t flow? Then what? You wake up.
The simple thought of waking up the next day alive is unbearable.
The shame and guilt and hopelessness, anger, ALL negative feelings, how can you bear it?
I want to know if there are people out there […]
It’s finals week for us and I don’t know if I can take it any longer. My mom told me if I wanted to be a scientist, I’d have to move to another country because the government wouldn’t support my projects here and that someone might kill me, especially since I want to protect the environment here and people (like poachers, smugglers, and corporations) tend to try to kill those that do so. But the problem is, I want to work here and my parents think I should be either a doctor or go to another country. And my parents are sort of trying to […]
My existence is fucking stupid:
The HIGhLIGHT of my life is work. While I spend 80% of my time here, I don’t mind the job, it’s just infuriating that I’m squandering my prime years.
My coworkers practically murder each other to be the first out the door. Not me, I’d rather stay. Menial grinding is better than the home war zone. I usually lie about when I need to be to work. Sometimes I come in early, others I nap in my car.
I’m isolated. I don’t try to make friends anymore. I’m not allowed to go out solo, I don’t want anyone to witness the […]
Here’s a few of my daily persecutions from my spouse. Please, comment on your perspective of who’s correct, incorrect, or whatever.
#1 It’s “Emotional Cheating” if I talk feelings to anyone but her, relative or not. Also, if I’m “There for them” in any circumstance. So yes, SP would count as cheating, to her I’m trying to bed all of you.
#2 It’s “Immature” to walk away from situations too intense or confrontational for me. I should hash it out till a resolution is reached.
#3 It’s “Unfair” to expect alone time. Work is my away time, all the rest is her or kids, but mostly her.
#4 […]
I have a very severe case of Body Dysmorphia Disorder. Which makes life so difficult for me. And it has only gotten worse. Going into work every single day, knowing people are looking at me, and thinking how hideous i am. It hurts me so so bad. I actually feel bad for the people that look at me. Because of that, nobody ever wants to talk to me, or hang out with me. There is a girl that is required to sit next to me, and she is constantly complaining about that. But I actually feel bad that she has to sit next to me.I […]
Just walked in thinking everyone thinks im shit (which they do). Its better then walkong in all happy, and excited thinking im just going to be nice and maby make some friends. But insted they are just fake to me and talk shit about me behind my back. This way they cant hurt me worse then i hurt myself. ? Is it bad that this makes me calm.
It’s 80 degrees today . I love spring . It came early this year . And trees are blooming .
Flowers and life make me happy. It makes me feel alive .
I love to walk on the grass barefoot . I feel connected to Mother Nature.
And I love sitting by the water.
Today is good . I think winter made me
Sad .
I also have been playing around with essential oils and spraying them. Aromatherapy is real. I feel like I’m in a better mood .
Today is just beautiful. I wanted to share that with you all .
I’m about to go hangout with friends and […]
I went into the store tonight and bought some sleeping pills. I’ve done this before. But tonight feels different. I want to do it. But I’m scared. But I don’t want to live anymore. You see, I was raised a Christian. Tonight, my mom found out that I like girls. Well, I’m a girl. I had to tell her due to the fact she found out I skipped work tonight.. So I was already in trouble for that….. She asked me why I skipped and I tried to explain with the usual there was drama at work, but she wouldn’t let that be all. Probably […]
I hate weekends, they are terrible…. And they start on Friday for me now 🙁 I hate the being alone and doing nothing. I used to look forward to them as I hated leaving the house but now I like leaving the house but won’t if I have no reason to…. Yesterday I did leave the house though, however not for good reasons, went to drop off my resume at a place, which was stressful… I doubt I’ll manage to get the job, and in some ways I hope that I don’t. I worry about the hours that they may offer, they have to work […]
I haven’t seen him in two months. And today, I decided “hey I need to see him” because I need a hug from him. But when I texted him asking if I can stop by to say hi, he didn’t answer. He didn’t answer. Not even a crappy made up excuse or a blunt no. Those would be better than not answering. Because then I would know what he thinks of me. But no. I don’t get a response. i would’ve taken anything but no response. Because it makes me feel like he cares about me so little that he can’t respond to a text. […]
I am not being able to work. I have been in a crisis for six months and I was being able to face work. But this days it’s becoming more and more difficult. I am scared right now.
I feel like theres no reason to live. I’m not moving forward, I’m unemployed, Im not interested in anything. I don’t want to do drugs again but I feel thats the only thing that helps me sleep, and forget all of last year. It blends time together, I have no real skills, my only friends get high and I just move nowhere. I tried talking to that girl. I know I shouldnt have, I guess you could say that I’m weak. Pathetic as she would say. She humors me, but just to get her point through. I don’t want to date, but I do. But […]
Things get better, they dont and they will never get better. Looking on the bright side of things only works for a little while. My life has been hell ever since I was 10, when I first started to get depression because of my shy nature and as a result got bullied. Now I tried to tell my parents but they didnt care. Finally found a sollution a few years ago when I first attepted suicide by hanging myself. It didnt work and ended up in a hospital because of it. Now I tried to live it out but no things got worse so now […]
Despite working out and eating better im fatter. I got off of work early but im tired and sore. I cant turn on the tv without seeing shit about sex and relationships. I get it im too ugly to find anyone in real life i know. I fucking feel guilted by life to contacting my ex(met online) because i do worry about her and i know I’ll never get someone better. As proof of that someone else who ive met(also online) in the many months since we stopped talking and who i care about but who fucking abandoned and rejected me is in trouble. Idk […]
I am literally at my wits end. I can’t do it anymore. Why even live if you can’t even live your life? Literally stuck and not having a say. My dad has Alzheimer’s and he has to have care 24/7 and since I just got done with my classes and moved home (until I do my internship) I have to stay with him while my mom goes to work. She’s always like well you can watch him until I come home and then you can go to work. I would be fine with that but since I have been watching him for the past 4 […]
It’s my birthday today. And I’m more likely at work, or sleeping for my birthday. I’m 22 today. I made It another year guys. Yay.. I might drink tonight and make an appearance on SP. So I appoligize in advance. What else am I going to do on my birthday? At least I technically won’t be alone on my birthday if I come here.
For the past few months now my depression has been getting worse and worse and so has the suicidal thoughts. Enough so that I have attempted it a couple of times but it didn’t work. So I ordered some stuff to my uni flat which will mean it will definitely work. And I go back to my flat next week. I will finally be able to get of this place. I just have to get through this final week without attempting it a stupid way and then I will be able to go to my flat and end everything in peace.
I forgot that I used to post here. Last few things I posted are about 5 years old. Same things I’ve been saying all this time.
I keep considering suspension hanging — hanging myself off of the doorknob with my belt.
Would sleeping pills work? How many should I take?
I’m exhausted.