General

I went on through to the Doctor’s surgery. A walk – in surgery, me in the capacity of a ‘new patient’, with a ficticious name etc. A very precarious situation, it was now 3pm so if anything went wrong  I was fucked. The Doctor was clad in this Covid style almost space suit looking outfit. Only her eyes and hair were visible. She flipped back her hair with both hands at my arrival so it looked favourable. ‘She’s a little attracted’ I thought to myself, so it stands to reason she will be prepared to prescribe in a liberal manner. I came out with several […]

I want to get the fuck out of here
I want to get away from everyone
I want to be able to go somewhere GOOD and not have to deal with shitty family who either hates me or doesn’t give af about me.

But that 5M Dollars isn’t just gonna appear (I need about 5M to live for the rest of my life)
It’s fucking stressful not having your own place.
It’s fucking stressful to have constantly argue and fight with family about every goddamn thing.

I just want my own place and to be left alone- A NICE place in a NICE area. Not […]

Does anyone else wish they had a boyfriend/girlfriend/someone to share life with, yet at the same time they would also like to be alone?

I just need to get out of my head, but I can’t… I want to escape myself. I want out. It hurts so bad. It’s not fair. Maybe it is. I don’t know anymore. I can’t get my head to stop spinning with all these thoughts and feelings; all I can do is curl up in a ball and hide… I’m in so much pain and I’m so sad, and I can’t pull myself out of it. I need help… I need somebody to hold me and somebody to actually care… I scream all my thoughts onto paper or on this site because I’m drowning in […]

I was wrong. My seven year anniversary was yesterday. Oh well. I have been having a hard time not crying lately. I don’t know what it is I just feel like crying. I thought for a moment today “why am I so hard on myself. Can’t I give myself some credit” My immediate thought was no, because I am genuinely the worst. I am worthless. I don’t put in the proper effort. I just want things handed to me. I’m no good. No matter how I look at it I don’t deserve to […]

I’ve been posting more recently. It’s because I’m nostalgic. Tomorrow marks 7 years I’ve been posting on this site. Seven long years of coming here and dumping out the contents of my head. Do you ever start think back to when times weren’t so bad. Or at least times that don’t seem that bad from your current view point. Lately the crushing feeling of my current situation has made me nostalgic for those time. My tastes are also reverting back. I crave Sprite more and more because it reminds me of when I was a kid. […]

I am a misfit.

I’ve never fit in anywhere, ever since i was a kid. I always knew i was “different.” But it’s not like I’m gay or trans that makes me different. That is understandable not fitting in. I don’t fit in bc no one else believes in the things I believe in. How can you “fit in” with people who do not believe the things you do?

Hell, I don’t even fit in among the “depressed” group bc I’m too depressing for them apparently and don’t believe in the fluff phony feel-good words they keep pushing, despite them knowing it […]

So close to quitting my job and asking to be put on the highest dose so i can sleep my life away. I want to disappear and pretend im a passing stranger to everyone i come across. Ive expended all of my resources.

not that it feels like it has any part being here, beside people talking about chronic pain, poverty etc. That’s often the problem, my issues seem silly compared to the problems of others. I guess I’m trying to make peace with being silly…

So the grad program I’m going into did a webinar this evening, an hour of talking about the program and what it’s there for. I get why, well informed is better for them. At the same time, it feels like a sales pitch.  I don’t know if I buy it, the whole “we’ll put you into a fulfilling career”…. yeah, heard it before, […]

Everywhere I run my hands across, I find little bumps and blemishes. A lot of it’s just acne. On my back, my arms, my legs, my stomach, it’s everywhere. I have a lot on my mind. I want to learn how to speak it to people. My mom would be a good start. I have feelings of being worthless and out of place, but I can’t communicate it. It is hard. I don’t know. My anti depressants were increased. I hope they work. I flipped a coin today asking if I should kill myself. […]

I’m tired of suffering
I’m tired of being in pain 24/7
I’m tired of all my health problems
I’m tired of being depressed all the time
I’m tired of not being productive and not accomplishing anything

I’m tired of penny pinching
I’m tired of constantly worrying about money
I’m tired of all the things I want to do but can’t without the money to do it
And that includes fixing my health, which I can’t do without a lot of $$$.

I’m tired of being angry and bitter at life
I’m tired of the universe constantly throwing shit at me

I’ve had to suffer since I was 5.

How does one live a happy life when one is in constant pain? Yes from the car accident but also from the greedy dentist that fucked up my teeth/gums/mouth bc he wanted to make a few extra thousand dollars, and well as the many shit ass incompetent drs that have ruined my health. I would have been so much healthier had I not gone to drs. All they did was fuck me up more, one dr after another after another- ALL in different fields/specialties. The foot specialist fucked up my foot so now I can’t walk as well. The […]

I guess everyone has limits. I’m reaching mine. I can’t take much more and if it doesn’t get better I see no reason to continue on with this life as well as the thoughts in my head. They’re killing me. And I’m so overwhelmed. Time is ticking, there’s so much shit to do. My dad is barely being any help, only trying to help with his new girlfriend around. I’m reaching my limits however small they may be, I cant do anymore and I cant go any further. I want relief. I want to disappear. This fucking life, this world, holy shit. I just can’t […]

The reason why so many of us are depressed, and are languishing, is bc we do not have a good reason to continue on, to get up and fight another day. What for? What is at the end of the rainbow?

Most of us no longer have that Motivation- that ooompf.

Life would be worth living, if there was meaning, or some kind of purpose.
Life would be worth living, if your hard work and intelligence paid off and meant something.
Life would be worth living, if there was something at the end of the rainbow.
Life would be worth living, if you were actually […]

I’ve been coasting for the past few weeks. Just going with the motions. Something is going to catch up to me. My uncle told me the job market is bad and I should stay in school. Hell I heard from some people here that the job market is bad. When is it good? You always here that the economy is bad and the job market is bad. I still dread the idea of staying here. I’ve been coasting, but something is going to catch up. I can’t do this. I’m not good enough. But […]

I was woken up this morning by my tooth hurting…. so I ended up working on a horror novel I’ve been reading…. in the end it drove me to the edge. A few minutes ago I reached the point I stopped reading the detail, and started skipping about trying to get some answers, only for most of those answers to be out of reach. That’s what appeals to me about horror; often enough there are no answers, or the answers are up for interpretation.

It bugs me that humans as creators of narrative prefer to create a world of happy endings. Happy endings are a lie, […]

I miss my medication. It made me scratch the surface of what normalcy feels like.