General

still the same shitty, selfish, callous, evil person she always was. Not only that, but you find out she’s a manipulator and chronic liar, and always has been. You think to yourself, JFC, WHY did I ever think she’d get better now that she’s old. She’s the same shitty evil person she always was, and she is, and will always be. Fucking gaslighting and lying about everything, and gossiping and bad-mouthing me to the rest of my relatives. Puts the blame of everything on ME when it is SHE that either can’t fucking remember she moved my stuff or she […]

wow. it worked. i flew under the radar. now my sn is shipping here. Finally. /Fresh air/Deep breath

This was meant to be a post about a fun game I’ve been immersed in lately, but turned into this… Sigh. Also, wow, my own life is quite dull by comparison. It’s funny. I know none of that stuff is real, and the only way to spicen up one’s own life is to go out and do more things with people, but man, introversion can be its own worst enemy sometimes. I don’t know how to really feel about where my life’s been headed. 7 years on SP now, multiple decades to get myself going to a point of proper independence and yet, I’m still […]

Sometimes in my dreams I’m transported back to the place I used to live, the only place I was every really “happy”. It’s different to how it actually was back then, but I know that’s where it is, because there’s forest everywhere, and the way I feel about it. I have this deep sense of longing, like I want to cling to the whole place and not let go. I desperately want to hold on to who I was back then.

I wasn’t neurotic back then. I was innocent, naïve, even for a child. I didn’t hate myself. It’s the strangest feeling, remembering that state, then […]

Well, peeping Tom Americall received a $13,000 + bill from disability. He was working and cheating the system. Finally nailed him for being a scumbag. He should owe more for taking vacations on it when he was living with his parents. Lol that guy has put me through so much. Slapped me around. Preyed on me.

Back in the day, he was the type to compulsively lie about his “straight A” report card, being class president, honor roll society, stripping naked for a speech in class and the girls were “squealing” as he was escorted out.. or he lied and said he walked into an art […]

found out this morning about another one of the gang who’s dead. details sketchy but major alcohol abuse is at the center of it. i’m sure this isn’t normal. but I guess I ran with a fast crowd for a while, lots of addiction, several suicides, a murder or two, and a couple uncategorized mysterious deaths like the girl who got her head cut off at the lake. if I believed in a conscious god here’s where i would quote the Wrath of Khan: “like a poor marksman you keep… missing…. the …. target”

im a bad person
im a bad person
im a bad person
im a bad person

Her birthday is two days after mine. I was thinking about sending her a Happy Birthday message. In the end, I don’t think I’m going to do it. So many things could go wrong. What if she doesn’t respond? What if she does respond? What do I say then? What will she think of it? I haven’t talked to her in a year (more or less).

I want to rekindle our friendship. I miss having friends but I miss being her friend especially. But I know that I’m not willing to put in the effort and I know that if she rejects me it’ll […]

That’s precisely the problem. As an econ/finance major, this is the exact shit they lied to us about and have been brainwashing the masses for the last few decades. Hell, most of the shit they “taught” us in my econ classes have turned out to be complete BS! Even back in Uni, I had thought certain specific things in our textbooks seemed strange. Now I know why. -_-

Hell, I was the ONLY one questioning things. NO ONE else in ALL of my classes ever questioned anything we were being taught. Talk about sheeple being sheeple.

These people in charge are […]

I already feel like I’m dying, and it’s just getting worse. I just want to die and get it over with, I’m tired of suffering like this. I can’t even cry, and I want to so fucking bad. This feeling I have physically weighs me down, I get tired and zone out through everything. I just want it to stop. This feeling is so horrible and its bubbling up and breaking me into pieces. I can barely move now. I’m just stuck here. In this hell. God I’m already fucking dying. I don’t even feel like a human. I don’t know what I feel like […]

/opening up about being suicidal /then getting slapped in the face /gets caught actively ingesting poison /receives support to throw away the poison/ gets slapped in the face with it’s not my problem/ calls me ugly some more/months go by/the humiliation is permanent/ and poison is hard to buy/ but this sale might go through/ I’m ready to let go/ I’m tired of lying to myself/

I was interrupted that morning. Lawn workers. Or I would’ve drunk more. I felt happy gagging with pale skin. I wanted my fingertips to turn blue. I wanted my lips to turn darker blue. I felt free in those moments. […]

I have some utopic dreams that I wanted to put into practice but they were pretty big and I wanted to involve many people.
I had this thought like a revelation that I’m going to die in September 2027 at 37 years old. I’m 33 now.

in my line of work there’s a strict hierarchy. I suppose it’s the same in every career but it’s especially strong in careers that aren’t ruled strictly by money. Sure money controls everything, but there are a few areas where money is secondary. Say for example athletics–no amount of money can make a slow runner win the race, it ultimately comes down to ability, talent, hard work and all the “noble” qualities we admire. my problem is that my line of work isn’t as clearcut as athletics; it’s still judged on a very subjective basis and that’s where $$ sticks its dirty fingers in. If […]

Lately I’ve been heavy on the escapism, looking at how it is elsewhere. I guess the hope is that it makes me grateful, and I am, or at least I’m trying.

but I can’t get over how screwed up it all is, how I don’t deserve to have it as good as I do…. everywhere I look the story is the same; rich jerks sucking up all the resources to live the high life, middle class people barely scraping by, and the working poor…… starving, having buildings collapse on them, being the victims of natural and man made disasters.

I’ve spent so long getting therapy for depression […]

Fucking pissed off “family” kept trying to convince me to move back here. I should NOT have listened to ANY of them. I come back and it’s absolute shit here, both the living environment + how fucking shitty family is to me. ESPECIALLY with how SHITTY they are to me. Fucking unreal.

WHY TF did I let myself get convinced by them? It’s a FUCKING NIGHTMARE being here.

I was “good” terms with mother before I left, and bc she has a fucking DIFFICULT personality and has ZERO respect for me, things went to shit the second I got back. […]

I can’t do this anymore. I just need to escape this world. Escape this prison of my mind. I’m alone, and I’m selfish and worthless and rotten. I can’t live with myself if no one is there for me. I’m tired. I’m so depressed and in constant pain. I think of walking away and never coming back. Walk away from all responsibilities and the past and myself and just keep walking. No need to come back. No one wants me back anyway. It hurts so much. It’s not gonna matter if I’m alive or not. So what’s the point. If dyings the only way out, […]

Many moons ago in Mr.Walsh’s latin class  ” Settle down now, settle down, no horseplay, no tomfoolery, today in the pluperfect tense we shall be discussing the tragic story of Pyramus and Thisbe” said Mr Walsh. ” Pyramus and Thisbe communicated via a crack in the wall of their adjoining houses, their parents forbade a relationship and it ended in suicide”.  The word suicide caught my ear. Even then I could not shake suicidal thoughts.

Some years later I heard of a suicide pact. A guy and girl, both equally isolated, struggling, the usual circumstances that lead to a tragic conclusion. The girl had procured some […]

If you’re going through abuse, unseen or unheard,

Just know, you’re amazing, smart and strong. Don’t let others lie to you that you’re worth nothing, that everything’s your fault, or that you aren’t good enough for others. Don’t buy into those sick games that mess with your head. It blinds you in a way that the outside world starts looking meaner than it is. It isn’t your fault. You get edgy, feel powerless, brain fogged, angry and sad. It makes depression worse.  You deserve happiness. You deserve respect. I know how it feels and I’m listening with an open heart if you need one. You aren’t […]