General

In the past 2 months I have been in the Psych ward for 2 weeks, a residential facility for 2 weeks, and now I am in aftercare with a partial day program and I the only improvement that I see is my outlook is now “I want my life to end” rather than “I want to end my life”    So,  I do not see any improvement, but only a remission.  The partial day program is actually very thorough in content and recommending coping skills but I am too far gone for any of this to be effective at this point.   I am trying, but […]

…lonely.

I’m at the point of literally asking, because I’m not allowed to want violent revenge on the people who are indifferent to my suffering. I’m also not particularly allowed to want to just not go back to work. Meanwhile, I’m sick, deep in burn out and having no motivation to pull up and out. I’ll put myself right back here is the reason. I’d love to do the normal thing, earn a paycheck, go on vacation to the lake. I really did try. It just doesn’t offer any rewards. I have this intolerable ambition, I’m not happy with whatever is given to me, I want […]

Well i ended up doing a really big and bad burn on my arm and actually got medical attention for the 1st time. Was sent to a hosp 40mins away to their burn unit. They cleaned up the wound and put some silver medicated pad over it with some neon green wrappings and a sleeve to go over. Cant get it wet and have to leave it alone for 1 week til my next appointment.

They wanted to inpatient me but i rejected it even though i told them my whole life story. They were scared by how calm i am and theyre like “do you […]

Again, I spend so much time wishing this was over. The only actual reason to be alive is for my mum. I have one online friend, 2 others I’d say are acquaintances.
I don’t even like using the word friend, but I know I’ve used it before, and this person considers me to be their friend (who the heck would want to be my friend? I’m an idiot…)
Those 3 people will be completely fine without me. One has a boyfriend, another seemingly has a few friends, and another, I’m not really sure of.
I had a chance 2 years ago to not screw up […]

There must be things that are real but I’m sure I’m not one of those. Nothing I do has any effect in the world. I’m not seen and never heard.

It’s good for me to be kept away and stored in a cool and dry place where no sun light can reach. But I keep getting older and You demand that I respond to Your needs and justify my existence.

What is there to exploit from me? I don’t bring any of value into the world, You never taught me how to. My hands are for idling. What You want from me I can’t give.

I have been […]

doubt this post will get much attention but the goal here is to post some music that you find comforting or similar feelings, post as many songs as you’d like 🙂 (put song first then artist if possible)

mine would be:
the end is where we begin – thousand foot krutch
grey – good boy daisy
backbone – there for tomorrow
how to burn one night – season to attack
set me on fire – flyleaf

What is life fr, Obviously it’s not mine. You literally have to live for other people. It’s like you know that nobody can help you. Your just tired of being here, nobody can understand the emotions or lack of, that you go through. In pass years I never cared about who I would hurt with me killing myself. But today after having a really bad morning I was enraged and cut myself really bad and I thought, I’ve already started might as well go for the kill, but I thought, what would happen to my dog, will she lay there with me and die from […]

I had a dream about a fish. The world is funny sometimes. So now I want to know how you are. What is on your mind? What have you been up to?

He is perfect. I’m worthless. He is funny. I’m boring. He is intelligent. I’m stupid. He is always happy. I’m always in a bad mood. He is generous and cares for others… he’s strong and full of energy. People can trust him when he makes promises. I couldn’t care less about anyone, not even me. I never seem to have any energy, I’m weak and I never keep my promises. He is a liar, I’m honest. He is curious about others and altruistic. He is sadistic. The only thing that makes me feel okay is pain. But both of them are me.

As an idealist, I’ve spent most of my life within my own head. I tend to thrive in environments where I am left to my own devices. Yet rather suddenly I have begun to doubt who I am. I have worked in social services for most of my career, and last month I finally realized that it wasn’t working because I valued myself too much to endure the environment. That seems like a pretty high bar, and that’s because it is. Most of my employers have been some degree of evil/corrupt, and that’s just the cost of entry to the workforce around here.

I have some […]

The question seems to be how to cause myself minimal suffering while I’m still here. This is a problem. My entire psychology seems to be tailored toward self-aggravation. To seeking out the things I want but can’t have, so I can feel good and miserable about it. To search for reminders of the acts I feel the most guilt for. To wallowing in my complete isolation.

Life is not good for me. Living is not good. Experiencing the world through the prism of this mind generates needless unhappiness. It would be better if I could spend most of each day unconscious. Wake up every now and […]

Imaginary exercises, running without stopping

i don’t really know why i feel like this website is a good place to talk about it and i don’t know what i wanna get out of it, but overall i’ve found myself feeling empty and numb in my everyday life,i could have fun hanging out with friends on the rare occasion i see them but the second they aren’t around i’m back to feeling empty and extremely lonely again. i’m not sure that i want to kill myself but i don’t want to be around, everything is so much effort and i know if my circumstances changed then i would probably be fine […]

I am 1/3 through. If this was a marathon, I would be limping. My chest hurts, most of the time my stomach hurts, and my sleep is inconsistent. The medication’s side effects are taking their toll. They make me nauseous, which doesn’t help my anxiety. My anxiety already makes me want to throw up. The sleep problem happened before I started taking my medication, but I think it’s also screwing it up. I just started taking the full dosage this past friday. My doctor told me to talk only half the first week due to being off […]

This is a nothing post.  I have no point here.  I am dealing with borderline over the top anxiety today, and as usual, am alone, so I am talking to the world through my fucking keyboard.  I’ve been on lithium and mirtazipine since April, and I think I’m having a reaction to it.  I just upped the lithium at the beginning of May, and have been dealing with anxiety that is more than just coincidental.  I am going to titrate off the mirtazipine gradually, and am planning to begin experimenting with broad spectrum cbd as an anxiety treatment.  I’ve used full spectrum cbd and smoked […]