General

as long as I can remember, I’ve been fascinated by death. Not usually so much in that I will die someday, though I always supposed that I would. I lost a caregiver at a young age. For some reason it still bothers me that no one told me she was sick until she was already gone. She was my great aunt, and is probably responsible more than anyone wants to talk about for who I became. She was an opera singer, spent a few years doing that in Germany, then settled down with her lawyer husband. Her daughter couldn’t have kids of her own, so […]

Light at the end of the tunnel for my depression is still non existent.   I feel like I just should of gone through with my plan.   the only thing that stopped me was keeping a promise to my wife who had told me 2 days before that she was leaving me,  go figure.     There is light at the end of the tunnel for a plan after I leave here.    I will be going to a residential facility for about two weeks or as long as the insurance allows.    After that I am planning to do EMBR therapy with my therapist here.    […]

How? I don’t know. I just have this feeling… I know I deserve to feel better. But I don’t like feeling better. It feels like I’m forcing myself to feel better just so I can meet my parents expectations.

I try to tell myself… “I’m fine”. I seem fine from another person’s perspective, I think. More or less. Or maybe not… I don’t know. I feel wrong. I still have thoughts about… well. “What if I just tripped and fell down the stairs, “By accident”. Nobody would miss me, right?” “In 5 years? In 20 years? Will it be anything different than if I just, ACCIDENTALLY happen […]

How fake and plastic everything is? I was on YouTube, and there was this “Humans of Earth Day” promotion. I didn’t see people doing things for their community and helping create sustainability. I saw people selling “sustainable” products (=expensive), showing off about fooling people with plant based meat alternatives, and bragging about how Green and Vegan they are. I felt so frustrated and demoralized. This is constant. The Internet has made us all plastic. We don’t DO anything. We just compete for attention. Those videos were made for views, likes, and subscriber counts. There was nothing honest about it. It’s all mindless bragging and showmanship. […]

Opened up YouTube (not logged in) and this was in my face. Decided to give it a listen then decided to share.

Found a new word today. I’m sure everyone can relate : Urban Dictionary: post-suicidal

So I had to split from my ex wife with BD/BPD again after 4 months and I made the mistake of texting her yesterday and telling her I will unblock her in a year. Well I let her text me back and got a big pity party from her like usual. I know she was trying to suck me back in and she is good at it. I had to block her then again. I haven’t got past it yet and can’t stop thinking about her. All the pain came back on me also. She is very good at the intermittent reinforcement and I feel […]

I seem to be on a never ending alienate spree towards my friends. I keep reminding myself to stop unloading my emotional drama baggage in their inboxes but i cant seem to stop myself. Almost like 1 of those social vampires and then like a dumbass i wonder why no1 will talk to me. Like dammit just stop it, stop what you are doing, you are killing them (not literally). But a part of me is on autopilot and is like well since we are at rock bottom lets just keep going til we see hell. I just feel so sorry for any1 who tries […]

I spend a large part of each day trying to remember why I’m still alive. It slips away from me so fast, and all I’m left with is the nagging sense that everything is wrong. The isolation, the loneliness, the longing, the fear. Things are not ‘ok’, and it’s unlikely they will ever be ‘ok’ again. They’re just not bad enough (yet) to overcome the terror of death. And until that changes, all I can do is prepare, and try to make things as easy for myself as I can. The problem is keeping that clear in my mind, when a large part of my […]

Sleep evades me tonight.    It is almost two in the morning so it is either a late day eight or an early day nine.   Luck evades me as well.      I complained about the sleep and requested the prescribed medication.   However when they took my blood pressure it was too low for them to allow the medication.     Not mad at the nurses.   They are doing their best to help.  Just mad at the overall situation still.

Even though it looks like I have  a plan for two to  three weeks of residential treatment when I get out of here and EMBR therapy when […]

Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some […]

I haven’t thought about this site in awhile. I stumbled upon it when I was actively suicidal years ago, and I spent a long time searching for my old post I made when I was feeling awful. I hated myself. Deeply hated myself. And when I was looking at all of the other posts while searching for mine, I realized, “dear God, I could have written any one of these.” Everything that you all say sounds so familiar… it’s just been a long time since I’ve believed it.

I decided to stay alive. I decided to give life a chance. I was hospitalized. I got put […]

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something […]