General

I don’t feel like myself anymore. I feel like I’m watching someone pretend to be me while I’m watching through my eyes. I can’t do this. I just want to be myself again. I don’t want to wake up every morning feeling like I’m empty or I’m just going to be crying all day. I’m tired. I’m so tired of this world.

The world was always terrible, and it always will be. It doesn’t get better, it never has, and it never will, until we wipe ourselves out, which will be pretty soon. I think the last I heard, we’ve got less than 15 years to reverse climate change. No one cares.

As I’ve said, the world already sucks, but now it sucks even more. No, definitely not a world I want to be a part of. I was going to study next year online, but what’s the point, I don’t even want to be here. But of course I’ll never die either because I can’t leave my mum behind now and half the time I’m not even sure if I want to die, and also that dying isn’t SUPER EASY or many more of us would be dead by now.
I feel bad when I post anywhere because despite me suffering years of abuse, I’ve also […]

Death, take me

I’m feeling less suicidal recently, I guess that’s a good thing, how I got here is probably also going to be my downfall again.
Every emotion is so far away.
I’ve walled out the voices.
I have put a barrier between my anger and sadness.
I am not allowed to go there, behave like that.
That doesn’t sound so bad.
The problem is I’ve also walled off intense happiness and love.
There is a door that I shall not let my friendships pass.
That’s close enough.
I’ve put myself in a little box of safe feelings and everywhere I turn I meet a wall.
I […]

I’m about done with life right now. Done with being used sexually, emotionally, and financially. My current husband doesn’t seem to understand the word no. So I end up with bruises or traumatized. The other day I had to wear long sleeves because there was a bruise hand print on my lower arm. I had agreed to a little sex earlier in the day for that evening but just wasn’t up to it come night. I fell asleep and next thing I know he was not listening to me. I kept saying “I don’t want to, just let me go […]

If I could describe my emotions in one word it would be numb. I am numb. If I’m not numb I’m angry, or sad. I drink to drown these feelings out. I’m aware getting drunk alone isn’t healthy, especially when I have work in the morning. I want to feel something. Happiness, joy, love, but most importantly, happiness. All I feel is numbness right now coupled with darkness. A darkness that I cannot explain. One that creeps up and does what it wants to my brain. Help me. Please. I don’t want this. I don’t want to have to attempt again, I don’t want to […]

I don’t think I ever did.

The world is a dance and I never had a part I just get in the way.

I don’t know what I did but everyone is ignoring me and leaving me.

Maybe I didn’t even do anything and it’s just me they want to get away from.

I am the loneliest person in the world and I have been for a while.

If you hurt me, no one will bat an eye.

When I was ten, my best friend told me to kill myself. I don’t understand why no one will say that to me now that I need to hear it.

Be consistent.

Just tell me […]

I haven’t been here a long time, recently I started to visit here again, tho mostly just to practice my suicide note in drafts. I don’t know what should I write, if I could I would just disappear without a trace..

If you still look at this place, you might want to skip this one. Although to be honest, I doubt you do. Not that you don’t care, you probably just have your own problems without adding on to it. This one isn’t about suicide. This one isn’t about depression. This one isn’t about sadness or anger or any of that. This one is just about how I don’t know. I don’t know what’s in my own head. I don’t know why I do the things I do. Is whatever this feeling is inherently selfish? There […]

im just going to hurt you. abandon me before its too late

I want so many different, conflicting things. Delusional things. Terrible things.

Rationally, I know they will not make me happy. But that doesn’t change anything. Because I don’t believe anything could make me happy.

So my mind is consumed by one fantastical obsession, then the next, and on. Always attempting to escape from the awful reality

I try so hard to maintain some kind of internal coherency, some sort of balance. But the truth is there is no ‘objective me’, detached from all the delusion. I am the most disgusting sociopath you can imagine, and also the most innocent idealist, all within the same head.

My reasons for not […]

Live my life. Please tell me I’m not crazy and this is actually real. I don’t want to be insane.

I don’t want to be an adult. I’m not good at it. I wasn’t even good at being young. I’m not good at being me, come to think of it. How many people from here have actually killed themselves? I know the cliché thing is those that really do it are the ones who stop talking about it.

I trusted you.  I told you things I didn’t tell anyone else.  You played with how I felt about you.  And now I feel more alone than ever.

It is the eve of a loved one’s birthday who passed away years and years ago, and it still brings up the dark feelings of powerlessness and abandonment that I have felt my entire life.  Years and years later, I still feel the pain of people in my life leaving me.  And the one person who makes me feel okay, who makes me believe that some people can stay, I can no longer confide in because…here’s the truth…I […]

I tried to pretend to be fine in my last post but I really just think I’m at the edge of the cliff. I’m trying therapy, but honestly I can’t think about anything besides killing myself. I’m giving it till the new year. I’ll give it till then, see if anything helps. But my boyfriend is at the end of his rope with my mental problems even if I put up with his anger shit. I’ll let everyone have one good last Christmas then I’m out. I sincerely have no goals, no motivation, I cannot do this anymore. I can’t pretend to be okay anymore. […]

i want to see myself and my interactions with others. i think it could help my anxiety. however i fear im just as stupid as i think.

Do you ever just try to repeatedly tell yourself that you’re fine when you’re not? When you’re hurt by something that isn’t a big deal and shouldn’t be a big deal and you’re just telling yourself you’re fine because being upset over it isn’t really a valid thing? That’s where I am. Trying not to cry at work while telling myself I’m fine over and over again.

So what’s up everyone? Blind sleeplessness strikes again. Tell me a story, a lie, something personal , something not. Shit i don’t care I’m so damn bored yet tired. So okay ill start. I had a couple years clean from pills and what not and recently fucked that up. So thats wonderful. Thought my darkness would improve being sober but if im honest it did nothing but get worse actually.

But yeah tell me something, anything.

I can do better. I know better. Why can’t I just do it? I’m such a fail.

I’m so clearly useless. I can’t even do basic things. Why am I even still here?