General

I’m so tired of pushing everyone I love away, I don’t get how can I be so scared to be lonely yet I push away everyone that cares about me and has a big part in my life. It sucks to not understand your own feelings, it sucks to loose yourself slowly and not knowing who you are anymore after so many years of suffering in silence
i just wish I could be the person everyone expects me to be, but I’m nothing more than a big failure in everything.
I don’t want to be too negative. Maybe it does get better, maybe life gets […]

It wasn’t so long ago (if you think about it) that lobotomy was encouraged as a method to treat depression and other mental health issues. There’s a lot of mental health issues that still have no appropriate treatment, and there’s no help guaranteed. I’ve only recently become aware that when it comes to psych drugs, everything’s a gamble.

The doctors don’t entirely know what is going to help or what is going to happen as a result of SSRIs. In my case, Zoloft triggered anhedonia and left me with both insomnia and no positive emotions.

I’m sat here after 6 months of suffering trying to figure out […]

They’re always the worst kind. Well, I’m doing my best to bust up the routine, smash all the edges and see where all the pieces land. I usually feel more human when I’m in a fresh mold with fresh possibilities. The trick is to keep the momentum going. I’ve been there before, got some progress along the path in front of me, but I always seem to wind up in a ditch because of something I’d rather not loose or a feeling I’d really like to get back. Life doesn’t work like that. I have to keep telling myself that the only way out of […]

Fear of suffering. That’s my primary drive and motivation. But if that’s the case, why isn’t ending it the rational choice? If there’s probably no existence beyond death, and probably no monotheistic God to punish me, and probably nothing I could do to avoid such punishment anyway, then…why am I enduring this? I’m suffering, and my suffering only gets worse as I age, and continuing to live risks exposure to really terrible suffering.

But part of me is resistant to that logic. I fear death. This animal wants to survive, and replicate. Even though death is inevitable, and replication extremely unlikely.

Suicide seems the obvious choice, at […]

Chen, if on the off chance you are reading this, you probably want to skip this one. It’s embarrassing for both of us.

I love this song. Recently a friend mentioned how much she loves this series when we went to hang out. She said that the main character has relatable qualities. Anxiety, impostor’s syndrome, social issues. I wanted to feel a bit closer to her, so I decided to watch the anime. I binged it and now I am on the manga. The character is so charming and sweet. It’s hard to watch though. […]

I don’t think it’s going to go away anymore. This feeling of despair and anxiety has taken root. It will not leave me. For the next two days my college will be having a career fair. I went last year. Over the course of those two days last year, I actually felt confident about my chances. Then it came time to apply and I dragged my feet as usual and only ended up applying to around 3 or 4 of the 9 companies I talked to. None of them offered me an internship. I think the motivation […]

I don’t remember how many times I set out to kill myself. I do it by not eating. I still drink water. I do it like this because I think if I can will myself not to eat for 30+ days or however long it takes, then it means I really do want to die. Three times I didn’t eat for over 20 days. I gave in and ate because someone convinced me to, but now there’s no one like that around anymore. So I think this time I will really make it.
I’m transgender and a pornstar and an escort. I started doing sex […]

even when im hysterically laughing, i can feel the pain, the sadness that’s hidden deep inside of me. ill never be able to get rid of this depression, even when im finally happy. now its time to come to terms with it.

I’ve made connection with others impossible. Because of the things that I’ve done, and seen, and cultivated within myself. Nobody could see the truth about me and still want anything to do with me. At least, no one morally sane. No one I would want in my life.

Evil is an emotive term. Let’s say that I’m sick. I’ve made myself sick. I’ve grown this side of myself that finds pleasure in wickedness. And I don’t think that’s something that’s ever going away. It’s not something you can unlearn. It’s a key part of reality – once you’ve seen it, you can’t forget.

The things I’ve seen, […]

You see, that’s the thing. You’ll always be there for your friends when they need you, but where are they when you need them? I mean, they might be there temporarily, but then one by one they disappear. Just one, by, one. I feel myself slipping again, like I always do in the fall. I have no motivation, I’m coping unhealthily and I just sort of feel numb. I want to feel something. I have a lot of love to give the world but no one to give it to. And that’s the thing.

im so tired-

Even as I began to feel happy, or at least not depressed; even as I began to have hope for the future, and dreams to work towards, I still was not able to ward off my suicidal urges. Even with so much going right, I still just wanted to die.

I always knew if things got bad, I had a different safety net too. Not just the safety net of death anymore, but a safety net to return home to a comforting, loving family whom I miss dearly even to this day.

But with just a few simple words, that safety net was taken away
Now that […]

I can feel it in the back of my throat. I’m going to throw up. I need to face the consequences. I present today and I need to face it. I can’t run. I’ll probably throw up soon. I called a suicide hotline yesterday. Never done that before. While I was getting connected, they played a jingle. I thought how odd it would be for someone holding a gun to their head or on the top floor of a parking garage to hear. She sounded for mechanical and subdued. To be fair to her, […]

I can feel that sickening sensation again, where I’m sinking, drowning again. It happens so quickly, everything seems like it’s bearable at least and then my subconscious starts to haunt me and I get pulled under again.

I’ve been having very vivid dreams lately, not necessarily nightmares, but they are tugging at my insecurities and breaking me down inside.

There is no escape from yourself.

I don’t want to go on this ride again.

I’m trying desperately to hold on but like water over a cliff I keep falling.

I wish I could leave things be, but I’m so fixated on being the best possible friend I can be and a part of that is to make sure I’m there every minute of every day for people when I don’t in fact need to be

I think I’m just scared that if I don’t make my effort, I’ll be forgotten. Because that’s what all my experiences have been like.

Too often do I find myself thinking no one misses me. I don’t think anyone has truly reached out to me in years. No one knows where I am at mentally. No one cares. […]

“Woe to you, scribes and Pharisees, hypocrites! For you are like whitewashed tombs which indeed appear beautiful outwardly, but inside are full of dead men’s bones and all uncleanness. Even so you also outwardly appear righteous to men, but inside you are full of hypocrisy and lawlessness.

Me and God may not see eye to eye, but I totally get what the old sage was on about in this passage. I can understand that sentiment so well it makes me nauseous.

Failure is only noticed when it affects other people. Instead of pointing out my failures, why can’t people just let me fade into obscurity? Leave me alone, leave me to my own devices, leave me with a knife, a gun or anti freeze, arsenic, SOMETHING!  Don’t point out my failures. Even the ones that affect other people. Leave me be. Leave me alone with my thoughts, alone to conjure up methods to try. Hell I’m such a failure I can’t even kill myself correctly. I’ve tried 10 times at least. I’ve overdosed on everything I have access to. I mean major overdose.