General

Animals have emotions like Humans; They fear death, cherish life and love their offspring just as much.

Do you delve deep into yourself to find out who you truly are, or do you delve deep into your dreams to create an idea that you call yourself?

It’s all a bunch of words. Words, words, words. It’s amazing how little people say so much of the time. Have you ever spent time around people who compulsively jabber? It’s like they need to fill in all the empty space with meaningless noise, as if they’re terrified that they might stop existing if they don’t. Or that you’ll forget about them. My team lead at work is like that. I can only play the receiving […]

Some people are lucky, some people are not. In this world, there are winners and losers. And the harsh reality is I am a loser, I am a failure. It doesn’t even matter how many people have told me that I’m very talented, smart, deep, wise, etc etc etc. The fact is in this society, I am nothing, I am just a nobody. Unemployed, confused, depressed, and suicidal 38 years old whose dreams, visions, ideas, and idealisms are all crushed, broken, and destroyed by the cruel reality. I just made mistakes after mistakes. I blew all the chances, opportunities, friendships, relationships, etc etc. And it […]

This hell is my cage.

This hell is my home.

This hell is my mind.

Everything is on fire.

It is becoming dark like coal.

All this darkness is consuming me.

And there is only one way to be free..

All I have ever wanted is for someone to understand me, where I am coming from. No one ever does it is like they are incapable of understanding. They can’t imagine or even empathize the things I’ve been through and continue going through. I figure if I am so quick to throw my life away then let it be for something that matters. So I have been sacrificing my life for over a year in place of a sick relative. I sacrificed pursing a career so I could devote more time and care to her. My happiness sacrificed, relaxing, traveling, friendships, relationships, having kids. And […]

My brain is endlessly hung up on things I know logically are no good for me. This dumb insistence that if I could just find this specific thing in this specific way, then everything would be ok. That I would finally be happy again after over all these years.

Rationally, I know it wouldn’t end up like that. If I got anywhere close I’d most likely be left feeling far worse, and in danger of severe consequences. Nothing would be resolved, or healed. I would’ve just discovered a new low, and put myself and others at greater risk.

And ‘logical me’ knows that, and knows I’m never […]

I’m in an emotionally abusive relationship

I want out but I also don’t

It’s become to familiar

For 3 years that’s all I’ve known

But what’s worse is that the old me is slipping away I’m trying to get that back

I reminisce on the friends I’ve had here

How I used to be important to them

Now I’m not much of anything

Same with friends in real life

They really all do leave me

I don’t like who I am anymore

I’m miserable

I’m a terrible mom

I’m a terrible person

I’m horrid

I haven’t been suicidal in a while

But…it’s lingering again and I’ve never been more scared

I thought I moved on

But I’m […]

This life terrifies me. I’m scared of judgement, violence and imprisonment. Of being stigmatized, shunned, condemned. Scared of never being able to connect with another person. Of being forever beyond the pale. I’m scared of spending the rest of my life alone, and dying embittered and ashamed.

I’m afraid of how irreversibly broken I am – so that there’s no point even trying to fix it. I recognize the evil in myself, but I love it – it’s the only thing that gives me respite. There’s no hope of anything good – I’m way to far gone. So evil is all I have left. But still, […]

I just need a moment to drop off some thoughts and try to organize them. I don’t expect this to make sense to anyone else, they barely make sense to me.

– I feel like I’m screaming into a black hole that sucks the sound out of it.

– Why does the topic keep coming up from her, I’m worried. She’s too young to think about that. Does she know something about me I’ve been hiding? Why is she acting this way.

– I could just as well talk to a Boulder. No matter what it is people never hear me. I’m getting tired of […]

I want to say that I am sorry. I am sorry for being (apparently) a privileged white person. I am sorry for being gay, I am sorry for being a pathetic jobless slob. I am sorry for being a worthless depressing Brony.

I am such a worthless horrible person.
My entire family hates me.
I am in debt to my mother (currently 5K outstanding)
I am currently in debt to my government for further education/s (2 diplomas (that are essentially worthless now)) (currently about $90k outstanding)

I was abused by my father on Monday (6th of July) for being a worthless jobless slob. even though I […]

Not suicide related

Ugh…..
I don’t even know what to write.
I don’t even want anything (yet I do, yet I don’t)
I don’t even have any goals
I don’t really even care…….

So Reckful ‘proposed to his ex’ on twitter before he committed suicide. It does seem a bit out of a place, and I think he was the one who broke up with her but I don’t know…
I’m not sure if he really meant it, but maybe he did. Maybe he thought all of his problems would go away if she saw it in time and said yes. This is just really sticking in […]

My mom walked me to kindergarten. When we passed our neighbor’s apple orchard there was barrier tape hanging across the fence. She told me it’s because the downstairs neighbor had set himself alight in his garden shed because he was unhappy with being himself.

I saw him once. I don’t remember his face or name, only his red satin gown, his painted toenails, and my parents‘ shame and judgment.

It’s hard for me to shake that memory these days.

Who can say that it understands this life, this world? Send me to him or her if you know someone

ive always said that ive got my depression under control. that ill never act on my suicidal thoughts. but sometimes i cant help to think about the moment i cant take it anymore and take my life on an impulse decision. not thinking about it, not preparing for it, not leaving letters. what if one day it just happens. ill have no control over my body and what i do.

You loved a girl who lit up every room with her smile; who painted and laughed with ease.

But you could not love the same girl who locks herself up in her room, who forgets to eat for days, the girl with the saddest anger, who stays up all night drowning in her thoughts. Who silently calls out for help. I bet you don’t even know. You just love what you see. And if you do, you turn a blind eye.

You did not love the broken girl. You couldn’t love her as a whole; her worn out eyes scare you, seeing her break freezes your cheeks, […]

I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?

I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.

I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any […]