General

Dying is easy

Living is hard

I would rather pick a weapon of death rather than struggling over picking up hope in order for me to live.

I screwed up again. Just put it on the pile of all the other fuck ups. Also fuck Spanish. I should have said I have no interest. I should have done a lot of things. I have no idea how I could be such a fuck up when things aren’t even going on right now.

In the morning I wake up feeling down and just too bad. But I just lock this stupid feeling because if I don’t then I am not able to get up from my bed. Then the day goes on, and I get up brush my teeth, take a shower, maybe a breakfast, and then basically keep doing something or the other the entire day. The day passes just like that– me forcing myself to do things that a 15 y/o is supposed to do. The sun sets down. The night comes in on little cat feet. (that’s a metaphor i recently learnt). And I’m left […]

And by soon, I mean within the next couple of months if I’m lucky. Because I currently don’t have access to my method. I’m so eager to go. I’ll take several Klonopin before so I’m relaxed, because I’m terrified all the time and I don’t want my last minutes to be filled with anxiety. Who else is dying this year?

I wonder what will happen after it’s lights out. There is no proof of anything either way, no one knows for sure. Some family members of mine have had supernatural experiences. Some people claim that the consciousness ends after death. I don’t know who to believe […]

I’m exasperated by all the so called political issues we deal with today.

In a world where hardly anything but harsh polemicizations remain I don’t know, where to go/what to do..

I think everything is flawed from the ground up. Can I just die.

It’s not so much that I want to die. It’s that I don’t want to live with this reality. Which is dumb, because there are no alternatives. But my mind is incredibly resistant to ‘making the best of things’. I’m a stubborn asshole, and I don’t know how to stop that. I can plan it all out on paper, how I’m going to slowly improve myself and my circumstances. But when it comes to actually dealing with the day to day reality, I turn away, time and again. I refuse. I reject reality, and my place in it. And the only solution seems to be […]

I have not been here in a long time. And when I do come back here to write, I first read my own posts, then motivate myself to get out of whatever little pit I am in and move on.

But right now I don’t want to do that.

Right now I rather wallow in my self pity. I don’t know why. I have been so stressed lately with everything I have going on, and the positive self-talk and manifestations are either not working or tiring me out. I just can’t right now. And the negative judgement I get from the people that are supposed to care […]

I need input about telling loved ones about self-harm/self-harm scars.  Did it generally make you feel better/worse?  Keeping it a secret for literally 8 years or so has been so toxic but I also feel so, so scared to share it.  And keeping it secret has stopped me from being in a relationship because I don’t want to be seen as crazy or unstable or have someone stop being attracted to me once they see the scars.  Also, I wanted to wait to share it with family until I could say it was long behind me but since I’ve had some recent relapses, I can’t […]

Not suicide related

How can I possibly like where this world is going? I can’t even believe what I’m seeing anymore :\

I’ve made a lot of observations about myself lately, and yet I feel like I’m more confused than ever. You ever feel like that? Like life kind of sways from one bit of confusion to the next. And you’d assume that you’d go from one to the next with newfound experience and answers, but it doesn’t feel like that to me. And even if it did provide answers, if you’re on your death bed having been in a state of confusion then where was the inherit meaning in all of it? Maybe, for me, this is the first of many as discouraging as that is. […]

You’re just going to argue and make more empty promises as if having to find a new place with no money and a job with no high school diploma isn’t hard enough as it is.

Every time I look in one,
I see someone different.
Who am i?

So, I was sitting there, while reading, thinking why I asked for help. I was trying to understand the reasons behind my decision, with curiosity on how things would turn and what it was going to be said. Trying to explain was difficult, felt so strange, my chest started to ache, I could see how I started to reduce my words in answers and explanations, with just a yes or no. At that point many thoughts ended up inside my head, and occluded the part of speaking, that part of giving meaning to what I said. At the end I felt like I wasn’t understood, […]

Not suicide related

If my ex ends up throwing me away, I should accept it. After all, a bunch of people have been leaving his life lately. Mostly because of disagreements with coronavirus.
Hardly anyone on the game server talks to him anymore.
His parents clearly don’t like him and his mum subtly warned me about him months ago.
Oh well. 🙁
He told a friend to ‘fuck off’ because he had different views on coronavirus. His friend blocked my ex a few days later on a messaging app.
So on the upside, I won’t be alone if he gets rid of me too. I won’t […]

I’m a fucking let down. I disappoint everyone including myself. I know some of you think that I should try to be a better person instead of whining. But I can’t. I’ve tried working hard these couple of days, I did everything that could possibly improve my thinking. I talked to an old friend (altho she talked to me first but eh). I focused on my studies more than ever. I read books. I spent time with my family, playing games and stuff. I made a new friend. I tried eating more. I told myself gazillion times a day that everything will be alright and […]

greetings my fellow desperadoes!

as usual i try to post here everyday and must admit i feel at home. no judgment and most importantly i feel welcomed and safe like no other place\space. today i was very manic almost to the point of total idiocy.

the most powerful trigger for me is sleep deprivation and today was the day i just went berserk after not sleeping almost three days due to anxiety and fear of nightmares (i know it sounds stupid but its true). this last week im having car trouble and switched garages after they tore me a new one and made more damage saying its […]

I spend so much of my life feeling unwell. It’s hard to know how much of it is in my mind, and how much is physical. I get these pains in my gut – kind of like hunger, only they’re still  there after I eat. It might be bloating – my gut feels kind of swollen or distended. Or like something is squirming inside, trying to get out. There’s weird gurgles and rumbling.

I feel tired so much of the time. But in a low-energy, rather than lack of sleep way. Maybe my body isn’t properly absorbing nutrients somehow.

I’m sure there’s an anxiety component to it. […]