General

Nature’s Duality: for things to exist we need both good and bad. We can’t have only one or other.

I know who I am. I know that I don’t fit. I fought. I thought I stood for something. I made no impact and got impacted the most. I am choosing my way out and no one respects my wishes including the man upstairs or whatever you believe. I almost succeeded the last time. Ended up in a coma for a month. I find now that my life is slow torture. Things happen for a reason and you end up in positions that you don’t want to be in. And you fight but there is no place to go home. Is it worth it? Are […]

sometimes
I just feel like I want to die
I know, I was called a useless ***** again and again two hours ago for an entire hour and didn’t really feel anything
Suddenly, two hours later, I’m tired as fuck and just want to die
Out of no where

Friendship is an odd concept. In theory, it can be seen as one of the most beautiful things in the world. However, outside the idealistic view, things are very very dfferent. People who I called friends, considered as friends, and yet I kept feeling, constantly, that I was being hurt by them. And of course, there was a unbalance that was crucial for that. I am going to be a little bit unpolite, and say something about money, because thats what I believe was one of the main issues. Frankly, I don’t believe people from different social and economical backgrounds can come together and just […]

If it’s preferable to end unnecessary suffering, and I apparently can’t stop myself being miserable, then why aren’t I preparing to end it?

I could say that doing so would make my parents and sister miserable, and that passing my pain on to them wouldn’t be justified. But if it’s love for them that’s stopping me, then why doesn’t that motivate me to pull myself together, instead of constantly dragging them down and stressing them out?

It might be pure unconscious animal survival instinct. But if that’s the case then again, why isn’t it motivating me to do what I need to do to survive long term? […]

Imagine if we could just die when we felt like it simply by thinking that we really wanted to. Or come back to life with the same method.

Huh… turns out mental health issues don’t go away with a new environment.

I am the only one in my family without an addiction. Drugs? I can put it all down. I’ve experimented, never had a problem setting it down. I was born to meth head parents, my mom has maintained her sobriety for years but my dad falls off and on. My problem is that I think it’s a choice. They all choose to cope with life that way. I dont. I used to play around and smoke snort and pop pills but it was never excessive when I think about it. I’m here because my sister is a serious addict she is working her program and […]

Not suicide related

Soon I’ll be back in my home country. I’ve spent nearly all my money on my boyfriend (oops?)
I hope I’ll make the flight back, it’s very long. I’m going to help him out. I’ve got to get a better job (wouldn’t think I’d have my other one anymore because I’ve been gone so long). I’ve got to get somewhere. This will be my duty to myself and to him. A bunch of hard work for a potential life of bliss? Well, even if he does l break up with me again, hopefully I’ll be in a better position for myself. So yes […]

I found out this morning someone whom I’ve known for years took his life over the weekend. We’ve both been working for a non profit organization for almost 10 years and I’m deeply saddened. I wish I had taken the time to get to know him more, and maybe he would have known he had someone whom he could actually talk to.  We’re surrounded by people at work whom we share ”niceties” with, or what most most refer to as small talk. And honestly I’d just as soon skip the small talk with most people at work. They’re not bad people exactly, it’s just I […]

sad…crying…cold… disappointed…

Why recover once again? Life is a shit.

So, I am back in university to do masters. I have always been a very distant person. I do make a few friends but it takes time. Currently I have no friends. I sit alone in the class. But it doesn’t matter to me much as I am used to it.

But I have started thinking that I have no boyfriend. I don’t need any but we all need someone to love. I am incapable of loving people. Only people I ever loved are my parents. My parents had many fights when I was a child and that has made me distant and introvert. I hardly […]

It’s like the universe does not want us anymore, time erases my memory, my sence, my lyrics, it changes my face, steals life’s meaning, it difuses the stress created by all of us, and behind him no keys, no doors remain, but you act like you’re gonna be here forever, you sit when you should stand up, you shut up when you should speak and you attack the people that love you believing that they wanna make you feel bad, it’s a crazy game in which like the rest you pretend that everything’s okay, and along with them you destroy the things that unite us, […]

my sister emailed me today, the first time we’ve talked in almost a year. we didn’t talk for over a year when, last christmas, she came up to me where i was hiding in my room upstairs away from everyone. i told her i didn’t want anything to do with my abusive brother and that i wasn’t going to have anything to do with anyone who didn’t respect that.

in short, she didn’t, and i have just grown used to not talking to any of my four siblings.

so my sister emailed me today, and i am going to just ignore it. i brought it up to […]

Would you ever die or take risks for somebody you love? Well, that was today. My daughter is 2 weeks old, ever since, the hospital called Child Protective Services and we have been investigated ever since. We weren’t allowed to take our baby home from the hospital when she was born. The only option was a safety plan through Cps to have the child stay at the mom’s parents for 2 weeks. Well, the safety plan was never courted ordered, we made the attempt to take the baby home from their house. They ripped the baby out of my hands, 2 on 1 fight. The […]

$1000 for a gun.
$500 for a camera.
I can shoot myself or my surroundings.
Ill just save money and see where i end up i guess.