General

I’m not claiming I’m so smart, I’m like everyone else trying to survive in this cesspool called life, but I do like to pass along things that helped me and that I’ve learned,  this is a very true quote and very solid “You reap what you sow” but with a twist.

If you sow crap for yourself you will reap crap for yourself. So it’s important not to try to do that! 🙂

The twist is you also reap what others sow, when what they sow is crap and It directly effects you.

You can’t help that and sometimes you think it’s your fault and wonder why your […]

i type in s in the top bar, i click in, i log on to this account and pour everything out knowing it’s not going to help. i’m no longer in pain, my body adjusted and i’m used to it. i’ll stay calm for the day to come. but like many other things in life, i’ll never get to decide for myself, not even the day for me to quit.

I just feel so stuck right now. Everyone around me is always telling me how I’m such an inspiration to them and how they want to be like me but in my mind I’m always saying, “uh, no you don’t. I might look all nice and cheerful on the outside but internally, I’m always fighting this constant urge to harm myself/end my life.” I just feel like there’s nothing left that can really make me happy and also nothing for me to acheive anymore. As a result I feel that I’m simply “sticking it out” for no reason. I really don’t know how much longer […]

All my life i thought i lived in hell, that i was tortured. I escaped some of the deepest darkes place and pulled myself out. But new hells come and new levels of torture come. Now i understand truly what it is like to be helpless. Now i understand what torture truly is. And this hell seems never ending. The moment i think we have escaped it pulls us back in. The one person i love the most in this world is suffering because of a doctors mistake and its trickled into multiple doctors and nurses. And shes in pain she cries she suffers and […]

Theirs this girl who feels like she’s dead inside and can’t do anything about it and it’s killing her slowly everyday she wants to seek help but she can’t and the pain she feels she don’t show it cuz she knows no one will be there to help her through it all because they don’t understand her at all even though they say they do they don’t and this fucking feeling of dying inside everyday is horrible and she feels like death is the damn answer she cries tonight cuz she’s to the breaking point in life cutting seems like a perfect thing to do […]

For me depression is about no longer being able to believe in the positive futures your mind creates. No matter how much effort I put in,  regardless of how much time and money I spend, I cannot see a future that feels meaningful, that I can believe in. One that motivates me to get out of bed in the morning, or push through all the discomfort and crap that everyday life throws at you.

I cannot imagine a future where I feel a real connection with another human being. Where I have anyone I can be real with. Anyone I don’t feel afraid around, in case […]

I want someone to know. Im going to clean the house, then Im going to buy several bottles of zzzquil, Im going to drink them all with some alcohol and then Im going to get a rope and walk in the arberetum behind my house and walk until I find a place no one will find my body for a little while at least. Then Im going to hang myself.
Thank you for listening to me. Thank you to those who cared. I just really must be going now.

not suicide related

Well what a weird experience it was being at my boyfriends PC (with his permission)! He showed me that he’s got loads of folders containing p orn (with all kinds of women, different body types, shapes). He never looks at it (p orn) when I am around in real life. I don’t really care if he’s got so much porn but wow was it an experience, I did not realize he was actually into everything. What a *bleep* eye opener. Cool, thanks for showing me??? Lol!

He also has alot of screenshots of himself from that video game. Well over 50% of screenshots […]

Sorry guys,

I know I’m rough, I know I’m not nice, I know I’m an asshole. Yes, I could be more respectful, nicer. I have the ability to. But I’m just so frustrated with life I’d say fuck you to everyone. That’s how I cope with depression, and I know being friendly  w o n t help. I know your life sucks, well mine does to, and I can do absolutely nothing about it!

I dont feel suicidal. I just feel so empty inside. Wake up,  play video games, go to sleep… Wake up, play video games, go to sleep… Repeat… I cant ever force myself to do something meaningful. The only thing I enjoy is getting high. Im the laziest person on this planet. My 20th birthday is coming soon and it terrifies me. I havent made any progress in my life since I was 12.  I am still so alone. Sometimes I wish I was a girl you know… I know its dumb girls got their problems too.. But they are ultimately the selectors and guys are […]

Today.. finally.. i tell him about my story
The story i cant say to him all this time
The story how and what happened to me
About the depressed me

And he said

My feelings.. to you.. still the same.. you are the same for me.. im not going to pity you or look at you differently.. and i cant help you..but when you need me.. when you cant sleep.. tell me.. tell me everything.. everything
Why you dont tell me before about this…
If you told me before i can help you
And you see its been 5 years.. im still here for you
I […]

I have this friend who I’ve only known for a few weeks but I have some crazy feelings for, I try to be really nice to them and make them feel important and special because they could soon die from an illness. They’re quite stubborn and I can’t tell if they feel anything for me because they never want to talk about me. Though I do get some mixed signals. I’m kind of putting myself in a bad place mentally because I like to obsess over what we could be and I definitely know it’s not healthy, but I don’t want to just leave them […]

Finally l will leave this shit place and town l guess the next week. Can’t live here anymore

It’s 7 in the morning, here.

I am the only one awake in the hostel. There is a pigeon outside my window. Usually, his coo-ing wakes me up, but for the past several days, it indicates my bed time. He first arrived in my third year of college. I found it rude and impolite to prevent him from building a nest outside my window. His love interest joined him soon, and there was a (presumably) happy family within some 2 weeks of their arrival.

I stayed out one night, and found the baby pigeons dead on my arrival the next morning. There were signs of […]