General

It’s been so long since I’ve seen your name. How are you? You should post about your thoughts and how life has been going for you! And um, sorry to write an entire post to you like this.. private messages aren’t really a thing here :/ if you want this deleted, just let me know

I thought i was a nice person. Considerate and all that. But I’ve upset my best friend today.

Am I not that person? Am I just a fruad?

Didn’t want to come back to Australia, but stuff costs money. Fell into the meaningless illusion again. Now I’ll just be completely miserable again. Great. I hope I’m gone soon. Don’t want this.

This trip overseas had no substance or meaning, all I did was looked around and shopped.

In fact nothing has substance or meaning. Delusional to think otherwise

I wish I could just delete myself. Delete my existence.

I thought I was getting better, happier, even. I tried to forgive myself for every mistake I make, but the truth is, that’s all I do. Even when I try so so hard to be my best self, I break people.

I break people’s hearts, crush their expectations, ruin their lives without them even noticing. That’s my problem, I seem so good but I do so bad. I break everything.

I feel like I’m a hurricane, I destroy everything in my path. It’s in me, never calming down. Always looking for a way to get out. No matter […]

i am troubled. i failed to save humans in 2016 and are now up to lower dedications, to save the planet. a failure of saving humans resulted in polytoxicomania. i do not even want to proceed in life, to be obsessed with the idea that I could be saving the earth. do i want this? nobody saved me, they just made it more worse or just triggered that I made my Life inflicted with chronic pain.

what should be done?

back to phase 1 to save human, but some are already dead now

proceeding phase 2 with making myself more ill than ever

maintaining phase 3, getting into problems […]

I want to message him so bad and tell him to get over this little fight were in. I just want to hang out with him and joke and laugh lie we always do. I have no pride when it comes to approaching him, it’s so easy for me to just send him a message. My issue is he wasn’t there for me when I really needed him to be. In fact he left me knowing how bad I was. It shouldn’t be my job to reach out to him. I would have no problem whatsoever if I felt this could go either way but […]

Honestly were all a little bit of our own counselors right? I mean most of us have mental illnesses if not one, multiple.. Everyday living in our heads trying to figure ourselves out. Sometimes yes we dwell or become biased and our heads become clouded with other thoughts while trying to fix the problem like suicide, self hate, etc. But at the end of the day this started from trying to solve our own problems right? Think about that.. you’re a functioning person with one or multiple mental illnesses. Constantly trying to figure yourself out and solve the problems that haunt your brain. Give yourself […]

my death will be a mixed quantum state. i’ll have particles of heroin and waves of absinth. the interferometer will estimate the signal about 3 hours after. it could be that I’ll make a quantum teleportation to another nation awhile my being is ascenting, slipping underneath the quantum realm. the casimir effect will avoid that I will sense the intensity of disturbation for my past and future. due to the heisenberg picture, I can only tell about the position, but the angular momentum will be unknown for me.

the standard modell will tell, that any failure, if the gluons don’t save me, it will be a […]

im tired all the time, i feel drained. i cant sleep properly and my eyes hurt. the worst part about this is that i lost all interest in everything i love i even cant go through one episode of a tv show or get any of my personal projects done.i feel like all the passion i used to have was buried somewhere deep and i cant even move a muscle to try and dig it up.

everything just looks black and white. its so hard for me to eat now i dont really feel hungry anymore every single food tastes so bland, i feel nothing when […]

My favorite part of writing/thinking of stories, is coming up with characters for them and making them feel real. I’m curious, what is your favorite fictional character? It could be a book or movie or show. What about them makes you like them?

ok id like everyone to read this because you may not and you may be the only person that can relate. so ill cut straight to the point in case you dont want to read it. food. it all tastes bland too me. no amount of spices, flavouring, nothing can change it. it started 3-4 years ago. i had no interest in food. especially food i cooked. i just didnt want it. id make my husband a big plate of what could be summed up to an amateur gourmet meal then id make myself mr noodles. like wtf. who gives up a gourmet meal. the […]

I’ve come to learn im addicted to love. Without it I see no purpose in my life and have absolutely no motivation to continue. There’s one person in particular who has dictated much of my life the past 4 years. I would drop dead just to be with him although he claims he feels the same, he doesn’t. He’s more individualistic while I thrive on relations and having someone be my person. When we call it quits I try to move on and the one time I successfully found another person I genuinely liked. Our timing was off but I still felt so deeply for […]

I’m not okay.

I tell myself this at least twice a day, regardless of where I am.

I’m not okay.

There’s a sea of pain in side me.

I feel numb.

I will never live up to my potential.

Nothing makes sense. Nothing. Nothing. Nothing.

Oh, how I feel raw and stunted. Emotionally. Physically. Psychologically.

I will never be a writer. I will never be that person.

I will never write a book.

I will never get ahead in a career that I hate.

I will never connect to anyone because I am so afraid and crushed by this demon that lives inside me. It feeds off me, little by little, and I know that one […]

I hate it because people want to celebrate a day for someone as trashy as me. They shouldn’t bother to do anything for me. I really don’t understand why they even celebrate it and insist I come over for dinner. I haven’t been over to theirs because I always forget or I’m always too broke to even buy them a gift. Oftentimes I am too busy at work to go to their celebrations. Honestly I always feel awkward when people start calling me and texting me to wish me a happy birthday. I’m glad that they remember but this is exactly the reason why it […]

It’s been one month today since I failed to hang myself. Don’t know why I am still trying to survive but I am. Wonder how long this will though. Not been there for a while, hide to avoid ending in the loony bin again so… Told my therapist k kind of freaked out but she has so many clients I can’t see her more than every 2 to 3 weeks. Can’t get proper meds/help so I have to figure things mostly by myself. Figure how to live with flashbacks /dysphoria /generalised anxiety /depression /narcissistic Mum and somehow pass my exams for college. My body and […]

Yes, I’m sick. No, I don’t care.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x0q8Oho_RjM

Careful of some (I said some) retailers offering skincare and beauty products. Some are extremely pushy. An example of what they might do: give you free samples, then take you by the hand and into their store and sit you down in a chair and try skincare products on you. Then they will tell you that you should buy these products now and you will get extra free items and discounts and that if you don’t buy them now you won’t get this ‘very special’ offer. They will make you feel bad if you decline to buy the items and act all sad and continue […]

Hey, I’ve been depressed since as far as I can remember, and I can’t make any friends. This is boooring! Some people hang out with me sometimes, but only to feel good about themselves, trying to socialize with a loner. That doesnt even make me feel bad “okay with not being okay” pretty hard to describe. So screw being polite or friendly, since I’m basically unlovable. Being agressive and hateful is easier; and way more fun. Does any of you experience this? Having  a b s o l u t e l y  n o o n e  for you?