General

I know what is right, and I know what is wrong. The border between good and evil is for me like a thread, a line between justice and shame.
I would do anything not to be alone. But there is no company around that I can convince myself to keep.
And those I admire, my heroes, even they are tired of me.
Something cripples my mind. Makes me incompatible.
It’s like I have no personality. I am nothing but a copycat.
If I cannot mirror another, then I have nothing but the masochistic desire to be punished, or the sadistic desire to cause […]

The other day my friend recounted an incident where he was spoken to in a very degrading manner by an employer when he was a young teen. He was so stunned, it has stayed with him more than fifty years later. He asked me, “Who speaks to anyone that way, especially a kid?” I told him I was always spoken to that way. Where I come from it’s normal. It wasn’t until I was married and had a child that I learned that not all people hate their spouse and not all parents resent their kids. My father is long dead and my mother, who […]

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I found myself waiting in line at the confectionery section which also sold cigarettes which is what I was after. The girl who was of a high standard in my opinion a 9 possibly knocking on the door of a 9.5 was serving. Three customers were in front of me, she seemed quite confident until I came face to face with her, she blushed bright red and cast her eyes downwards, I noticed her hands were trembling. Like I said I would fear being a resident of a nursing home, time goes by in an instant and you never know what tomorrow could bring, the […]

I am tired of suffering. I just wish I knew how my life would turn out- I need a crystal ball to see into the future. I want to see if I should just kill myself now and be done with it, or struggle some more and maaaaybe life would be better/worth it at some point.

It seems rather pointless and a waste of time and effort if we try, and life still doesn’t improve. Then we might as well end our suffering now.

with our own depression?

i had wanted to become a therapist a while back, get my PsyD, and thought I’d learn psychology to help myself, and give myself purpose by helping others.

–if you’ve left the profession burnt out, i take it counseling did not help most ppl, nor did it help you lessen your own depression?

i had attended a psych panel and after listening to these apathetic jerks, i decided not to (plus grad school was $$$$ and it wasn’t free). the only one that had a heart and cared was the newest one to the profession. the longer someone was a […]

What if we’re not good enough?
What if we’re not strong enough?
Not confident enough?
WEAK.

What if we just can’t make good decisions anymore?

What if the reason we’re depressed is bc we’re too chickenshit- not confident enough and not brave enough, to go do what we should do? Whether it’s expatting overseas by myself, despite being sick and disabled and alone. Or maybe in your case not confident enough to ask a girl out on a date. Or insert any thing we haven’t done due to lack of confidence.

There’s many reasons for my depression but the biggest one is on […]

It seems those who are depressed are masters of self destruction. That apparently goes for me and I gather for some of you here as well.

First by being passive: depressed = no energy and no oomph to go after things / make changes / do stuff that improves one’s life. Now, it’s not that we want to be depressed, that’s just the nature of depression. When you don’t have the will to live nor the anticipation of a rainbow and a better life, one doesn’t have the will to push through to make the changes one needs to improve one’s life.

Then you […]

There is no such thing as hitting “rock bottom.” That’s a lie told to us so we can be “okay” with where we are, it’s ok bc after all, if we’ve hit “rock bottom,” things only get better from here, right? Well no, bc there is no rock bottom. However bad you think you are, things can and often get worse.

You think you’ve hit the worst moment in your life? Nah. Wait a few months or a few years. You’ll hit a low and lower over and over again. Until you hit the final “low.” […]

I feel an obligation to end the story of a particular bad episode. Even if I’m only writing it for me, I want to recap from a calm stable place. Because I’m superstitious like that, I don’t like the only thing I put out being when I’m in extreme pain. I’m not me then, not the me I want to be.

It may be difficult to understand, but coming back up can be the scarier part of an episode. Yes, feeling better is scarier than feeling like death warmed over. This is because this is the only specific situation I’ve lost complete control. Usually, the worse […]

There’s always a favourite. It could be argued with complete conviction that every guy has his favourite girl and every girl has her favourite guy. As of late I have had to go grocery shopping on an almost daily basis. During these hellish excursions I found my eyes wandering to a beauty who was always around when I just happemed to be walking by. To my delight I had noticed she could not tear her gaze from mine. Hitherto the oppurtunity to converse with her had not presented itself, that is until today.

One thing I would fear would being an old geriatric in a wheelchair […]

Ope! I knew my time here left amongst the living was finite but I didn’t know it’d get this much more agonizing this quickly! You know the familiar beats of how this progresses by now. The thoughts are worse! my brain is less inhabitable than ever! there is less ‘good’ (and by good I mean ‘vaguely distracting’) left in the ‘wow, you call laying motionless and eating once every three days and doing absolutely nothing and talking to completely nobody because of the unbelieving excruciating trauma your brain puts you through all of the time a life?’ that I live!

So what am I to do! […]

I’m so desperately lonely. I want to know the feeling of being held again. I want this bullshit in my head to fucking stop. I just want to know someone doesnt find me fucking annoying, apparently, because everyone around me acts like I’m the most annoying inconvenient person to be around. Even if its supposedly a “joke” like my stepdad saying that yes I am annoying over and over again and I kept apologizing but he wouldnt stop… And I know it’s a god damn joke to him because he takes nothing seriously it seems, which is another thing entirely. Maybe its projecting because I really am […]

I’ve thought of something truly awful, probably my worst idea ever, some really evil actions that would feel amazing to execute.

but they’re all bad ideas. Why? because I had them. I’m wrong, I wake up in the morning wrong before I even thought, because I thought, how dare I?! I tell you I’ve got a lot of nerve, with all this thinking.

To be fair, it’s entrapment, I was told to think. All my training led me to believe that solving problems was a way to decreasse suffering. So even in my awful ideas, I’m trying to decrease pain, if not mine, someone’s.

I feel so inept, […]

A shotgun to the head does not make people feel your pain.
It does not matter how long it takes you to make the decision. Because once you do it, it just happens. There is no God coming to save you. No spiritual battle waging in your favor. You pull the trigger, and BANG, you’re face is reduced to a flappy, bloody, hollow melon, with your bug eyes popping out of your cheekbones and your limp body sagging down lifeless in your seat.
God allows this because God is the devil. He doesn’t love you or care about you; you aren’t special. And […]

I feel like I give too much of myself to this world. I hope too much. Love too much. Am too much.

I can’t be what I want to be. I can’t live the life I want to live. So I want nothing. I want not to want anymore. I want there to be someone worthwhile in the space I’m occupying, putting it to good use. But that’s not something I can control.

I don’t want to devastate my family. I don’t want that pain for them. So I don’t want to kill myself. I just want to not exist anymore. Or to never have been. Or really, to have been someone different. But that’s not something I can control.

In order to not die, I have to live. […]

is the biggest joke. That’s like saying drinking salty sea water will keep you hydrated.

We don’t even have democracy in our own country- haven’t had it since the 1980s. And yet we are “spreading democracy” around the globe, or at least that’s the lie told to Americans and most Americans believe it!! When in reality, what the US is doing is destabilizing countries around the world to steal their natural resources.

Anyhow, going back to American soil- America hasn’t had real democracy since 1980- our government has been completely bought and rigged by the oligarchy for a LONG time now.

This is […]