Existing is so painful. I’m severely depressed and very mentally disturbed. I can’t find it in me to do anything anymore. I should be writing my chemistry notes right now to secure a passing grade on my upcoming exam, but my depressed self keeps saying “Fuck it”. I can’t even get myself to read all of those books that I was excited to read after finishing my AP exams. They’re just sitting there on my desk as reminders of how much of a pathetic time waster I am. And I tried to tell my dad about everything that’s going on but he just […]
I’m so sick and tired of living this nightmare that is my life. I have been deprived of all happiness and feel nothing but pain. Life is a terror and bad things keep happening to me. I don’t feel safe at all. I’m not even me anymore. My mind is deteriorating and I have trouble thinking straight at times. I feel extreme, unbearable anxiety that makes me feel like I’m dying. I loathe myself and wish I never existed. I wish I had been fucking aborted at least, goddamnit. Things will never get better. There’s no way out at this point; it’s too late to […]
This is Anthony. He hangs out at the park and bangs his drums.
https://suicideproject.org/wp-content/uploads/2021/05/Anthony-4.m4a
Screw the world, bunch of pinhead motherf*ckers running this show.
Mass shootings. Inflation. Cyber attacks, corruption, racism…fossil fuel, global warming…assault rifles, and oh yeah – fucking COVID – conflicting mask guidelines, “Karens”, Instagram, Facebook and Twitface, boo yah… Space Force, Hamas and harass and harangue and hate…bullying, beastiality, baseball…murder hornets and pick your poison from the six o’clock news horror show…
I don’t know. I don’t care. Listening to this cat was […]
My girlfriend, well ex girlfriend, broke up with me about a week ago. I’ve had relationships in the past where i have been broken up with and i thought i loved those people but this one hurts so much more. Her reason was because she felt like she lost her self worth, not because of me and she said that i deserve the world but she needs to focus on herself. My last 3 ex’s broke up with me for pretty much the same reason. They all said that i was great and it’s not my fault but all i can keep thinking is what […]
Each and every passing day I get closer and closer to being able to fully commit to killing myself and throughout my life its caused me to take a deeper look at life including my own as a whole.
Life is rife with issues and has begun to feel like its not even worth living for, even with all that I have in this life. Family, friends, acquaintances, and activities are the only things that really keep me in this life living through it all. But even now I find myself giving into these horrid thoughts, even with the kind of blessings I have had. I […]
“I contribute nothing. I’m useless. I need to stop acting like I’m depressed and start working.” Those are my mother’s words, not mine. If I talk back I get punished, if I try to help I get humiliated and degraded. Why should I be alive anyway? It’s not like I make anyone’s day better. It’s not like I’m helping anyone. Even the times I have helped someone, it must have been something I imagined because no one else remembers me ever helping anyone. Like, what am I even supposed to do? Everything just gets taken away from me. My parents just undermine all my efforts […]
No one listens. No one listens when I talk. Everyone makes up excuses. Everyone tears me down. NO ONE LISTENS!
I want to scream: I AM ME! I AM ME!!! I AM ME!!!!!! STOP TRYING TO CHANGE ME!!!!! STOP TRYING TO MAKE ME “BETTER” BY YOUR STANDARDS!! I AM ME!!!!!!!!!!!!
I’m not unwell. I am unique. I am not sick. I see the world differently. I do not speak through my illness. I speak in a different voice. I am different. I am me.
I want to scream my truth to power. But I won’t be heard. If I speak, I am shouted down. If I feel, I […]
I hate being alive. I’d kill myself, but my parents would freak out and my siblings/friends would be sad. So I literally only live because other people expect me to…
This lack of meaning in my life has led me to focus excessively on the superficial things such as how I look, what I have, and what other people think of me. The raging philosopher in me condemns this, but I can’t help it.
Whenever something goes wrong or I experience a setback in my life now, I get so upset, as if every good thing in my life has gone. I guess the feeling is kind […]
What do I do when my mother tells me to go live with my father, but my father has been absent for 5 years? What am I supposed to do when non of my parents want to be fucking responsible for the human being they brought to this fucking world? Where do I go?
ADHD, borderline Asperger syndrome …according to the self test but I’ve suspected the former a while now. It isn’t enough that I’m a copy pasted evolutionary monkey dilute that could be replaced in 0.3 seconds at the current birthrate. It’s not enough that the ‘abilities’ I have are kind of like a stock attribute assigned to millions of others. It’s not enough that I the thoughts and inspirations I’ve had are predictable like clockwork and are repeated by the millions of others down to age of happening and influences. We are all a bunch of copies and this idea of individuality penetrates as deep as […]
my paranoia is getting worse. i have work to do and i don’t want to take my Seroquel because it knocks me out. my mom made me take it. i don’t want to sleep. the minute i go to bed i
holy shit. it’s really gotten this bad. i can’t finish my fucking sentence because i’m convinced that if i think about it or say it or write it, it will happen. i’ve been obsessively knocking on wood. i need to. why? because if i don’t do it the the *IEU*(E8uy9e89ye89uy i can’t write it i can’t write it I can’t write it FUCK
i’ve been making […]
my nightmares have gotten worse. my fear of being asleep is debilitating. it’s getting harder and harder to remind myself that i’m being excessively paranoid about things that are “unlikely” or some shit. i’m convinced that i’m constantly in danger. i don’t like being asleep because it means i can’t defend myself or my family. i don’t like not being in control of my surroundings. i want barbed wire on the fence. i want a taser. i want a full, realtime security system where there’s a security agent constantly watching the cameras and who will call 911 when something is happening. i want to be […]
I hate even talking about it because I am scared I will convince others to feel the same as me. My thinking is wrong I guess so don’t follow me. I am 27 now I’ll be 28 soon. I grew up being hopeful so hopeful and happy like I had the world I could go anywhere I had the feeling like things will go up and I still have things to do.
I was listening to music from 2011 not even sad music and I just started sobbing. I remembered how happy I was I really think I was so happy then. But each year after […]
As if
I want somebody, anybody to be by my side… Yet I know I couldn’t stand anybody who is an actual human being getting too close.
That’s because this ‘somebody, anybody’ in these two sentences are not referring to the same thing.
I’d better say: I long for some kind of meaning, some kind of connection, a way to escape this feeling of solitude and despair,of wanting to die every day all day long, but I know this can’t be achieved by mingling with other people. I’ve always been alone somehow. I’m at peace with the fact it will stay that way. Rationally, I actually prefer being […]
We’ve all been there, haven’t we? People around us don’t understand and don’t care to. It’s too uncomfortable for them to ask the hard questions to try and understand why we see the world the way we do. They all just want us to be normal and function. I honestly think this is gaslighting. Some may disagree. No one ever acknowledges how we feel. No one listens. No one tries.
We are wrong. They are right.
We are misguided. They are keepers of truth.
We are “speaking through our illness.” They are our saviors.
I’ve been in abusive relationships in the past, and I know all the signs. Abusers […]
what if he finds me? what if he hunts me down again? what if he’s still watching me?
i can’t shake the feeling. i haven’t been able to ever since the abuse started.
i can still feel it. on the back of my neck. i never feel safe. he continues to have a suffocating grip on me even after i mustered up the courage to get as far away from him as possible. listen to the fbi. lock everything down. deactivate all my social media accounts, lock my phone number, get my school e-mail changed.
but he’s still here. he’s left an impression of himself, it’s seared into […]
Always, ever since I was little kid, I knew that for me to survive in this world, I must change myself in order to make money.
Up to a certain point, the more money you have, the more of your own problems you can get rid of (I know that money doesn’t buy happiness, but as a poor college student that is stuck with one of my parents in a house that is falling apart, I know that poverty sure does bring misery)
And for that same reason, to avoid misery, you have to turn to things that are ‘practical’.
I always loved ‘unpractical’ things, at least it’s […]
i have a friend overseas who i’ve known for around 4 years now.
he’s really important to me. but i’m scared.
i’m scared because he hasn’t betrayed me.
i’m scared because he hasn’t gotten rid of me.
i’m scared because he hasn’t dropped me.
i’m scared because he insists that he cares about me.
i’m terrified of all of it, it’s so foreign to me. to have someone who doesn’t want to break me down until i’m nothing.
whenever he says he cares about me
the only thing i can think of is “i don’t believe you.”
uhhh i am feeling echoes right now like the emotion of buzzing like tv static being projected onto an old classroom projector
here is the events i just can’t process them right now but i need to put them somewhere just to put them outside of my head
so my little brother decided to drop in for a surprise visit and i’m playing host
my partner decides to postpone the usual shit he does to have a conversation/hang out with my brother
i am sort of joining in on the conversation mostly listening but the three of us are chatting.
this is the most conversation i’ve had with […]
1. who is ***?
2. who is ***?
3. who is ***?
4. who is ***?
5. who is ***?
6. who is ***?
7. who is ***?
8. who is ***?
9. who is ***?
10. who is ***?
11. who is ***?
12. who is ***?
13. who is ***?
Not me, not you, not anyone, but still someone.
14. who is ***?
15. who am I?
16. why don’t I remember
17. why don’t I remember
18. why?
19. Do I have to remember?
20. Where is ** ****?
21. Why do I ask questions without answers?
22. I don’t even want […]