A new door has opened. Suddenly, a glimmer of light beams brightly through the cracks of the walls. They’ve surrounded me for so long. Rotted and creaky wood beams, overgrown weeds. I became this statue covered in ivy. Waiting for the earth to send me roses. A garden exploding with gorgeous colors. I see the small stem there. The pretty green. I’m not afraid this time. The trauma I’ve endured through this is changing me for the good. It’s time to grow and move on. It’s time to embrace who I am. It’s time to put effort into being my best self.
It’s a new feeling you taught me
Walking past my phone
Waiting for it to light up
But now I expect everyone to not talk with me and get hurt. At last, even the boy I loved truly left me for his selfishness. Screw up people and big screw up the phones. People around me change me like this ……….. Now I’m a lost cause.
You must just cope with the fact that you have a problem as long as you have a pulse. So fuck up everything and live the moment happily with people or without people.
sowed a seed in a barren heart
nourished it with water and blood
as the time passes by
it started to grow
began to feel on all my sufferings
it gave me reassurance of my every doubt
eventually i realised
it was a parasitic plant
i let it grow, while i decayed .
I wouldn’t be half as depressed if food, housing, transportation, or anything related to LIVING weren’t so goddamn expensive.
It was always expensive before, but since covid, the cost of EVERY FUCKING THING has skyrocketed. How am I supposed to be happy if I am poor and can’t afford anything?
Telling me to “think positive” doesn’t do me shit if I’m hungry and my brain is throbbing from lack of affordable nutritious food. And going there without transportation to lug all the food back is a problem too, especially if you’re disabled and sick.
People have REAL problems. Whether it’s lack of money or […]
I don’t know how common this situation is; as I start to build my energy level back up it takes all the self control I’ve got to avoid going manic. I have to examine every single thing, is it advancing my goals or is it activity because I’m anxious and resent silence and stillness? More often the second thing.
Then, in the stillness, there is the temptation to sink back towards depression. Is a healthy middle ever going to be easier?
Of course it can, but will it? I used to be so sure, if I put my weight behind something, within reason, it seemed certain it […]
Id say I can be pretty happy from time to time not for very long but I have my moments. I just want to stay happy but that can never happen. Depression comes in waves. It goes up and down and up and down. But i’m always down for a long time and when i’m up its not for very long. My mom and I were up all night rearranging my room and yes it was exhausting but in the end I was happy to finally have my room clean. That didn’t last very long. After I got out of the shower it just hit […]
This post isn’t about politics. I am not a Republican or Democrat (I hate them all, all the establishment shills), and I don’t care for Trump, but he did give us a good term- Fake News. This video is the definition of Fake News.
This is a good example of what our “news” is really like. This isn’t even political or covering anything controversial- just RAIN. But even coverage of something that’s just rain is being painted and pretended to be something it’s not. And this was 11 years ago, before the age of “Fake News.” This was back when […]
There’s a TON of things online that is just not true, but is put out there like it is. No, I’m not talking flat-earthers and such. I’m talking from things like science, diet, nutrition, finance, money, economy, etc. There’s so much “misinformation” out there, both intentional and unintentional, and it’s coming from everywhere- MSM but also alternative sites too. Nobody can agree on the facts. And I’m not just talking politics. Talking about everything- name any subject.
I hate how when ppl write stuff online, ppl just take that author’s word as fact. Just say you’re publishing Opinion Pieces, […]
I feel kind of drained. Last week I had a really strong impulse to hang myself. I was just sitting on my bed and my belt was there so I gripped it tightly and thought about it. For a minute or so. And a couple of days ago… or I don’t know. I don’t know when. Maybe yeaterday or more than two days ago. I was in my living room and I started crying because I thought that my life is really pointless and it’s just not worth it. In general I feel fine, I guess. But these things happen more and more often recently.
What do you do when you no longer have the energy or the willpower to fix your life? No one is going to fix our life for us, or help us. But when you’re sick, have no energy, can barely sustain going to the grocery store and showering, then how tf is anything going to get better?
all i can do is get through each day, which means laundry, food, showering, brushing teeth, etc. After it’s done, you crash. then repeat the next day and next day and next week and next month. No energy to do anything more than that. […]
How can we be happy and productive when our bodies feel like crap 97% of the time? This isn’t even about depression. I have so many health issues. It’s impossible to have any kind of life, let alone enjoy one’s life, when you’re always feeling like crap- physically. Which then obviously brings on the depression.
For about a few hours last night, I felt physically ok-ish. So therefore mentally I was doing ok. But now I’m back to feeling like crap, physically. So therefore I’m now back to feeling depressed again.
I have been staring at the ceiling for hours. Why am I here? How much longer must I endure the misery. Does it ever stop? No. Does it ever slow down? No. It never stops. EVER.
Im never gonna escape the self destruct area because it IS ME. I feel I am slowly and subconsciously destroying my relationship with my mom. I never wanna talk anymore. Talking to people annoys me. Im failing all my classes and my mom just wants to withdraw me from school till next year. I hate high school. Its like there’s instructions in my brain to self destruct my life and I can’t stop it. Im falling towards rock bottom and and occasionally land on ledges that break my fall But its only for a moment Then the ledge crumbles out from under me.
New to broaching my mental state (this is the first and only place outside of my own head) and my question is why is the thought of and planning of kms is so much less intimidating than discussing my mental health, current difficulties and disappointment with the world with anyone real? And that’s disregarding the difficulty of the process of changing mindset and improving one’s situation after the initial step. As in I know that death must be a bigger deal than a common conversation but when it comes to it I just can’t convince myself. I’m not at risk of dying as of now […]
My friend can fall asleep in midst a second, even during our conversations and already at like 9 pm, while I lay awake in bed for hours until the birds start to sing at 4 am. I’m such a night crawler and society screws me because of it. I’d like to see the successful morning people stay up til 7 am like I do *sigh* sadly there’s nothing for me out there.
I’d like a chance to see, whether I’d be happier when living and working at night. Maybe my depression really depends on this. I’m tired all the time, I stress myself because I need […]
I don’t know what or why…what do I want, why do I do? There’s an illusion of self assurance, I’m assertive, so far high achieving but lost. Studying at a world leading university but now I flounder. Not necessarily because what I do is pointless or hard -often it seems both- but because what do I want to do in life? Medical difficulties compound the work difficulties, a perpetuating cycle of mounting stress. A look at what I enjoy…the activities and hobbies seem so unimportant but they’re still more fulfilling than the hollowness of academia or a “cog job” where I don’t really matter. Consumption […]
7 years ago I predicted that I would die at this time of this particular year.
At the time of writing this, I can safely say that I have been defeated on all fronts.
Academically and professionally I am convincingly outperformed, physically I grow fragile and weak, my eyes are blurry, my voice – quiet.
I have always enjoyed defeat. Victory is a burden. Defeat is freedom.
My dream has always been to just sleep away till eternity alone in a comfy bed, away from the pandemonium that is society and humanity.
I tried my best but alas, life isn’t for everyone […]
Three times this week, I’ve gotten emails about jobs that think I’d be a good fit and they want me to apply. Then they set up time consuming obstacles in the process. The first, a cover letter, like who REQUIRES a cover letter? If I’m such a good fit I shouldn’t have to beg.
The second, some forms. Again I almost complied, and thought “No, if they are demanding more than is reasonable NOW, what kind of employment relationship does that set up?”
The third one though, really takes the cake. They want me to take a 9 hour drive and stay overnight in another city, all […]
I just can’t.
I want my misery to end.
No one is going to save me, and I’m too sick and broken to save myself.