Trying is scary to me. If I do everything within my power, and it’s still not close to enough to get me anywhere worthwhile, but I still don’t have it in me to end it, then I’m just… stuck. Stuck in complete misery and despair. No more false hope or fantasies to tell myself, to get me through the day. Just the unrelenting awareness of my failure and inferiority. That’s terrifying.

But at the moment the story I’m telling myself is that I will try. That I am trying. Tentatively and gradually at first. But  that I will eventually do all that’s reasonably possible to find […]

Woke up to being thrown out of my guild in this stupid game I’m playing. Then I went to join another guild, only to be kicked out of that one bc “my team is too weak.”

TF. We can’t even play games now without having to be in teams or guilds where you have to rely on others to do their end of the “work” and to do it well.

Whatever happened to just playing a fucking game at your own pace and having fun? Back in the day, games weren’t so “team” based. It’s fucking annoying now.

It wouldn’t be such a fucking […]

Emotional Deprivation in Infancy. 1948 Study comparing orphans to home babies

And this is why shit like “just think happy thoughts” don’t fucking work. Someone who has been physically and emotionally neglected since they were young does not and CANNOT get better with just “thinking positive.” We are so damaged, physically and cognitively. The problems are permanent (unless the baby was taken out of that bad environment into a good one as a baby/toddler).

I wasn’t an orphan but my childhood was SUPER horrible- I was neglected and uncared for, and then later abused for most of my childhood/teens, so no, I did […]

           I just don’t know. I’m so far behind in school work. I am so behind in everything. I lack a lot of the social skills I need to make it. I am not sure when it started. When I started giving up. I think I don’t do anything anymore because I have already failed  the school year, so what’s the point in trying. I keep saying I’ll try harder but I don’t.  

            I don’t know when I started drinking but it’s become a thing. I realized that I just take whatever I can […]

I’ve moved around a lot all my life. I would say that I’ve had about 7 childhood homes? I’ve lived in about 5 more houses, and I’m about to move again. Considering I’m only 16, it’s so much. A lot of people don’t have to constantly shift areas, they can just live in their childhood homes up until they leave school. Or maybe they’ll move once or twice. Sometimes I wonder how it would’ve been to have a stable place. It’s more of a passing thought though, it’s not my reality.

Centering this back in. At some point I started living with my mom and brother. […]

Started getting ready around 2:10PM.
Left the house at 2:40PM

1- I went out to get groceries, then put everything away
2- Did Laundry
3- Showered
5- Ate Dinner

It is now 10:08PM.
Took me 8 fucking hours to literally get groceries and do laundry.
I’m exhausted and feel like I’m about to collapse.

FML.

for the record, never found support for this, and I’ve been looking.

I was raised in high achievement culture. Put it this way, I only made friends with weirdos and outcasts, and most of the people I grew up around ended up pretty damn successful. I say all this to say I’m the runt of the litter, the black sheep who despite fine breeding and training still ended up almost useless.

And again; this is something I’ve never found another likewise afflicted. The pressure, to be something, somebody….. it’s unreal.

Today it hit me in the gut again, because once again I demonstrated my ability to adapt and […]

To the outside world, everything seems perfect in my life. I am a guy, 34, have a wonderful wife, parents, and family. We had such nice lives till 2020.. I have a job which pays ok but sucks the life out of me and drains whatever little energy I have. Past few years have been a constant battle from within. I have no will or strength. We were looking to have kids, but went through 2 miscarriages. Drs have now suggested artificial techniques.. I feel horrible to make my wife go through IVF. I want her to be really really happy, but it is so […]

Super lonely today.. guess I’ll turn off my phone for the day, since nobody has been wanting to talk lately… Gonna blast my mind with the new Sims 4 update. I should give everyone hugs in there 😀 I hope it’ll stop all the ache.

-from the one, who had to go off their meds again

Things are diffucult and im sorry that i hurt you bu ignoring you. I didnt want to upset you even nore than i have by sayong something inconsiderate or delusional. I never had an ounce of hate for you, i jusy had my guard up because borh of us were mentally impaired.

I have nothing to live for anymore. I have cptsd because I was bullied by hundreds of assholes, I can’t get a job because I am autistic, my parents are probably gonna kick me out and I have no skills to survive on my own. I want to keep living because I want to give my 8 year old nephew a better life but I am so useless that I can’t really help him in anyway.

What makes me more suicidal is that all my bullies are successful while I am the biggest loser I know. Karma doesn’t exist. And life isn’t a movie so […]

Anyone here have done something they regret to this day? No, I didn’t do anything bad. But I made a decision 13 years ago that’s altered my life forever. And it haunts me forever bc maybe I could’ve been happy and had a whole different life had I not made that decision back then.

You know the story of the Butterfly Effect. That even a small change can lead to HUGE devastating results. Well…I suppose it’s kind of like that. Except it wasn’t a small decision. I thought it was best / emotionally safest for me at […]

I’m so ashamed of myself. I’m never there when you need me as I should be, I’m so unhelpful. You deserve better than this, better than me. I’m sorry for being fucking stupid and writing a note of goodbye soley due to my pain. It’s costed years of time apart that I regret every fucking day. I’m sorry for all this time that I’ve not been there physically to hold you and help you feel safe and loved like you deserve to feel. I’m sorry for being such a difficult person to deal with. I overthink everything and it makes you wonder if you’re doing […]

I’ve been trying to eat a certain number of calories for the past 3 weeks or so. Right now its 3 in the morning and I’ve been staying up until I am hungry again so I can reach my calorie goal.

I can’t help but think about when I was starving myself on purpose instead. This doesnt feel a lot better. At least I am almost going to be a healthy weight soon. It’s something.

I don’t like it. I can remember purposefully starving myself and sawing at my skin with a dull knife because I had to do it for some reason. I was convinced I […]

I’m 41 years old… but I have attempted suicide my fair share of times. I’m still here though. When I was 15, 16, 18, 20, 22… I didn’t want help, I didn’t want to try, I was so low that nothing felt possible. There was no light at the end of the tunnel. But then… slowly… I went out. Got medication for depression. Time healed. It took a long time… but then I met my husband and saw how broken he was so I helped him. It became my new goal… to try and be there to listen and find solutions because I […]

I keep hallucinating that random strangers are telling me that she killed herself. At work i swear i heard her on the intercom sobbing asking one of the managers to call her. Im losing my mind again. I finally have a decent paying job and ive been living somewhat responsibly but im so close to losing it all. It seems noone has time for me other than sending me stupid memes and videos. Its not like im using them as a therapist or anything like that. I try making myself available to hangout and do something but if it doesn’t have anything to do with […]

Realizing how much of a nobody I really am… is an interesting feeling. How worthless I really am. How little I truly deserve. The constant search for outside validation knowing I’ve earned nothing… How I have nothing of significance to offer the world, to the people I love dearly, to myself. Just… a nobody.

I think this is part of why I’m so terrified of becoming an adult. I am nothing. I have no goals. I’m not even sure I want to go to school after this. At least… not immediately. Maybe never. I’ll probably end up like most people with a degree that’s truly meaningless […]

tired of my shitty life
tired of being depressed all the time
tired of being chronically sick
tired of being physically fatigued all day every day
tired of being unable to sleep and get ACTUAL rest
tired of being lonely, no friends, no family (that cares), no S.O.
tired of being yelled, shamed, criticized by society for being sick/depressed/not working
tired of always being poor- can’t work and make money when you’re sick every day
tired of things just getting worse and worse

i just don’t see this cycle ending
i don’t see it getting better without help
i’ve been stuck in this sick wheel for […]

I don’t know what I’m even doing anymore. I obviously can’t take care of myself at all. I’ve ruined friendships, ruined any chances I’d had to improve my financial situation. I’m stuck and I know things will move further down, and I’m just trying not to drag my completely innocent roommate down with me. I don’t deserve the things I’d gotten. I deserve to be homeless and have nothing and noone because I’d gotten too much help. There are so many people who could take my situation and make it into something feasible. I’d love to switch places with them or something. Because I’m just […]

I wouldn’t want to be in a coma or anything like that, but I haven’t slept in 14 fucking years and I just want to fucking sleep- have GOOD RESTFUL sleep like a normal person like I used to- and wake up feeling refreshed instead of feeling like an exhausted zombie every fucking day.

My depression would be “cured” for the most part if I could just be healthy again- before my car accident fucked me up in so many ways and before I went to drs for “help” only for them to make me WORSE. fucking idiot evil drs.

anyway, fuck this shitty life […]