Maybe this life was never meant to be mine.
I live in a country that sees suicide as an act of rebellion . So there are laws to scare people from commiting suicide . One of those laws is that if I am not above the age of 21 . If I commit suicide my close family parents and older siblings will be held accountable for my “mistake” by paying stupidly large sums of fines and me and my parents have to at least be held inside a “psych ward” ( basically a prison ) until I am deemed to be “normal” again . I have been actively trying to commit suicide since I […]
My “doc” posted notes in an email today telling me that I am now diabetic. This is a death sentence for those that don’t know much about it. She seemed happy about the diagnosis, almost giddy, and decided to throw buckets of pills at me. I told her “no, I am not interested”. No pills or any other crap. I am not going to spend the rest of my short and painful life taking pills and eating oatmeal and salads (gag). This diagnosis is fine with me. I am so done with this life. I just want it to be over and I am too […]
It was a fine morning, I woke up with a good mood and me and my mother were joking together like any other. After I ate my breakfast, I wanted to stretch my body but my mother misunderstood and thought I won’t wash the dishes. I said, “I want to stretch my arms.” Then my aunt comments, “That’s her excuse.” My mother immediately replied, “Don’t involve yourself.” And then I couldn’t control my tears for the first time after finally getting control of my depression and anxiety. I rushed to the sink and washed the dishes, crying. My mother approached me and she said, “Thank […]
Satan rules this world. Do you agree or disagree? Why or why not?
My prostate pain is returning, along with symptoms of fibromyalgia. I’m not sure if I’m strong enough to go through another flare up, the last one lasted 4 months, I don’t care about anything besides sleeping and the prostate pain everything else is minor and I can live with.
Every year this damn thing comes around. While everyone loves my birthday because it falls on the 4th of July Holiday, it’s a mixed bag for me. I once loved it, back when I was a kid and I felt like I mattered in the world. Your family makes a big deal about it. For me, I had fireworks shot off every year. So you think it’s a deal. At least until you grow up enough to realize, you don’t matter. You’re really not important. Oh…and the the fireworks, they’re not for you.
I’ve long since cared about (my) birthdays. I don’t even honestly know how […]
Do you ever just get jealous about other people’s stable lives they are leading.? Yeah. Me too.
Not a fraud, not a bastard, I just don’t know what the word is I’m really looking for. Read on to learn more!
After a long period of disconnection due to obversable negative detrimental effects, I’ve gotten back on a dating app (this one seems less shit) because I know one of the reasons I have no fucking resilience is that I lack several key things required for human happiness (as I’m sure many here do), one of which is physical and interpersonal intimacy. But something’s different from last time. In addition to the expectation that nothing will come of any of the few conversations I […]
I had a revelation. I ask myself when I’m going to die and my mind gives me this answer. I think that I will die in a car crash accident when I’ll be 41. I’m 32 now.
The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.
Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover […]
I finished the book. Even tho I’m glad that they got happy ending, I imagined myself in that book with quite the opposite ending. I want to end it all, but i guess this kind of gave me? hope? i dont know. I wish Roman and Aysel were real. I wish i was friends with them. I wish we all could help eachother to the point we will think that we can be fixed. I wished I was with them at the moment. I wished i had someone like them. I wish things were different.
I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.
I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to […]
So fucking pissed off.
GD mother fucking people. I have had fucking enough. All they want to do is fuck you, play fucking real “games” and hurt you in any way they can to make you fucking miserable. Always fighting for my right to fucking exist with some fucking respect. Fucking people are evil. I have had fucking enough. No fucking good reason to keep going on like this. None. No fucking breaks in between just one continuous fucking battle after another. It’s fucking enough and all this fucking bullshit about karma. Yea okay right, may all the mother fuckers get what they deserve, but […]
On a whim I decided to see if suicideproject was still around, and to see if I could log in. My posts were from 2015.
Wow, was I in a bad place. I remember the event in particular that prompted me to start cutting again, and to spiral into one of the lowest points of my life. Thank you to the commenters on those posts. Wherever you are now, I hope you found what you are looking for.
I wanted to write some kind of denouement here, because I am certainly glad I didn’t do it back then. I know reading some inspo stuff isn’t going to […]
I used to look at my personality as a curse. I never could bring myself to do it, and I hated that I was incapable of it. I hated that I couldn’t lie worth a damn, and kept revealing my feelings to the people I love. And that I had a single wish, to make a book that spoke of all of these feelings I had and transformed it into a positive, a strength. I wanted to let others feel hope in that darkest time, and even if its a bit conceited, its what I wanted. Its still what I want, even though I used […]
Here’s something funny. Maybe you can get some humor from it. This is a happy suicide note! As I write this, I’m not about to kill myself. I’ll be laughing with my friends online in a few minutes. Life will go on for a little while longer now. So, if you’re one of the strangers reading this when I first publish it, don’t feel sad for me. In fact, just keep assuming that the time never came. After you read it, just watch some cat videos and move on.
Anyways. Hi!
It’s strange, I know. I do want to explain a little. When it is actually time […]
putting aside the fact that i think im not really that attractive, but at least i look.. kinda cute on days where i actually take time to take care of myself, my body is very weird.
for 2 (almost 3?) years, ive been eating at least 1 or 2 meals a day (however, on days when i can’t catch my brother sleeping so i can sneak a meal, i usually just let myself not eat for that day), portion doesn’t really matter, but it’s been getting smaller and smaller. i used to binge eat alot when i was younger, i never got rid of that hunger […]
This world doesn’t want me in it. And I don’t much want to exist anymore, so we’re kind of agreed on that. There’s just the fear that’s keeping me here, and the damage that would be done to those that don’t deserve it. But I’m not really alive. I haven’t been for years now. This world holds no place for me. I don’t belong around others. I belong in the dirt. And delaying that natural justice causes me pain. The world wants me not to exist. To return to the mulch. To be something useful again. Something innocent. My continued existence is a violation of […]