There is only one, one cause worth fighting for; a worthwhile life.

That which we all lack, and despairing of that, we wonder why life?

Yes our struggle is with existence itself,

the very concept of something, the concept of worth, are under attack

so could it be we are romantics at heart?

lost without a path to tred?

Yet for our love, we can’t leave. We fight on, because we know little else.

which brings me back to the start; is that meaningful?

IS IT ENOUGH?!

hmmm? What say you?

When will my body do, what it’s supposed to? Maybe it’s true afterall that the mind makes you ill at some point. No one ever finds anything that’s wrong with me. I’m tired of searching for proof. When will I get better?

I’ve been cheated on in all my past relationships and then thrown away. I was just dating someone for a year and half and they broke up with me after cheating on me too. I’m about to fail out of school in my senior year. I’m drowning constantly and I have no one to talk to. It feels like there’s a stack of 1000 books onto of my skull. The girl I thought was the love of my life is gone forever. She won’t stop texting me about how she misses me and wants to be with me and I can’t even answer. It’s like the […]

So much I’m dreaming about it. Imagine that ha

I’ve been traveling a lot. I miss my dogs the most. I have a border collie and a scruffy mutt like tramp. I love how they’re always so excited to see me. I could be gone for 5 minutes they just run around the house as fast as possible… sigh… I wanna go home 🙂

two out of eight houses surrounding mine have been empty for the past year. This morning, a third started emptying. It hurts, the loss, the loneliness. Not that I was close with any of them, but I liked them being there, the empty houses haunt me.

two of the remaining five are owned by single old people, who I barely see. Which leaves three, all along the back, which I don’t know the status of.

they could be empty too, for all I know…. I could be utterly alone.

tornado warning. Wish me luck.

WAIT. IT’S PERFECT.
I’ma soar through the air bro. Celine Dion all the way. /I like the and the clowns have all gone to bed part ha

https://youtu.be/K2B2nT6pfSE

I’ve tried recovery countless times, but each time I failed and relapsed. I don’t know what to do anymore. It hurts so bad, I can’t breathe. I tell myself I have no real reason to feel this way because I have all the support I need, but it doesn’t help if I don’t know how to trust anyone. Every best friend I’ve ever had has left me more broken than before, so I’ve given up on having friends. I tell myself that the people I call friends are my friends so I’ll feel less alone. I pretend to trust them, but I don’t. I tell […]

If you’ve ever seen psychosis, you know how invisible feels. You know how everyone looks the same, and you know how it feels, perhaps fun playing with your imagination, if it isn’t sucking you dry.

Tribute for those strong ones out there, true respect for you if you’ve walked it.
like I said before, if I somehow die, I’d embody Dali’s face and embrace the twos that nobody sees everywhere ha BOO ? illuminatay

and lainey, I hope you enjoyed the shoutouts in return. What goes down must come up ha

I haunted you ;D

even though you’ll never […]

So here I am once again. I haven’t been here in a long time, which is good. It means that I was okay during my time away. Lots of good moments, but it’s hard to remember them now as I write this. This week has hit me the hardest…just lots of stressful moments that keep on piling up and up and up. I realize the changes by now, but it’s still frightening to feel it. Headaches, anger, the body aches. My shoulders and back hurt so much, and I want to cry all day because of the emotional toll. I hate that Anxiety comes at […]

I am a honour roll student so the 60% I got on my midterm should feel like the end of the world. Instead it feels just like any other mark I’ve ever gotten. I could watch my whole world crumble around me and it wouldn’t even phase me. It is like things are happening to me or around me and I could do anything and the outcome would be the same each time. I am living in a constant loop of the same events and the same numb feeling I cannot escape from.

Hello my name is Chiara , and as you may know , my half-sister posted things I wrote abt my own sister : Niela , who killed herself as my half-sister Sheena did , I really dunno why am i hoping to find answer to Niela’s death , about Sheena , i gonna keep her VK to make it looks like she still with us , my half-mother posted something on Sheena’s account , may you can give it a look 😉

have a nice day, Chiara Aysla Palenkova </3

Just don’t have anymore left in me. I always forget the exact feeling of hopelessness until I fall right back into it. I know it feels awful and that there’s this weight that drags me down. But the exact sensation of hopelessness is always forgotten. This sensation however feels slightly off. Like somehow more crushing. Maybe because it’s almost the end. I think the only reason why I post here is because I’m alone. There’s no where else where I can put these thoughts, so I do it here. I keep writing things down and then […]

I hate watching my mom cry. I know I am the reason she is crying. I have to make things seem like they sorted themselves out so I can play to her unconscious(?) desire for things to be okay so she’ll stop wanting to cry. I always make people cry. People never make me cry. I couldn’t cry if I wanted to, and I quite frequently do. I would pay someone to make me cry. That sounds nice. I seem to have the opposite problem as everyone else, but crying isn’t a bad thing in my eyes. I think crying could help you feel a […]

I miss you, Austin. Your wealth of knowledge and humor still sticks with me, and how close we became because of those two things. You gave me the best childhood anyone could ask for… I remember your phase of make up and drag… A rare gem, I don’t think anyone else could possibly compare to your coolness. And Anytime I feel distanced from everything, I think about you. I miss feeling understood. Everywhere was home with you. I’d do anything to go back […]

I hurt myself over and over, my body is riddled with scars that remind me every day of the pain I feel. I don’t know whether to hate them or love them. They’re part of me, the part most people can’t accept. I’ve tried to get better before it got this bad, but I failed, I’m not strong enough to break free from this violent addiction. I’m supposed to be better now, but I’m not. Last week I could have sworn my depression was cured, I was happy, genuinely happy which I hadn’t felt in a long time, but one small comment is all it […]

     Three months ago tomorrow, I ran away. My parents had just found a bunch of pills in my room that I had secretly bought from the store. I thought it was hopeless, I couldn’t even kill myself without getting caught. Three suicide attempts and three other close ones, and I can’t even rid the world of myself. I’m supposed to be recovering after being hospitalized for three days, spending 45 days in residential, 5 therapists, and having all the support I could ask for. But the thing about having support is that it isn’t that it doesn’t matter if you can’t bring yourself […]

See this watch she gave me? Well, it still ticks away..
The days I’m claiming back for me.

… The medication’s wearing off. Gonna hurt not a little, a lot. Keep on tickin’ you’re not lickin’ me…
Sunrise at the corner of Sunset and Alvarado
I think “What the hell do I do now?”
Watch the day disintegrate
So I can stay up late and wait…
https://youtu.be/OEa8TLuYFMc

I just feel sick. Like I’m diseased or something. Just no good. The weeks are going by slowly. Slow march towards my failure. I have to make a decision by Friday. So paralyzed with indecision and fear. Makes me feel like nothing. I have to be realistic, but that tiny sad sliver of hope still persists. I’m just no good. The constant noise in my head just won’t stop. I’m scared. Can’t feel a thing.

For last 4 years I was at my parents house. Now I’ve again left it.

There was nothing there. There is nothing here. There is nothing bloody anywhere. No salvation in this trapped existence. Where do I go? What do I do? What is worth doing? Nothing. There is nothing worth doing.

It’s not such a bad thing tbh. It’s just human nature I guess to never be satisfied, never be at peace.

Whatever I do is just a distraction. I’ve purchased a VR headset and I quite like playing a table tennis game in it. Recently reached top 500 rank. Or youtube videos. I try to feel […]

There’s a guy my SO prefers I wouldn’t talk to. 100% understandable.

Well my SO was a little busy so I went to where I talk to the other guy. I was thinking “maybe I’ll message him and see how work is going”.

In this same moment I was also changing the radio station because the oldies were on and while I like them, I like them on my time. The very first song that plays. Literally nothing else, I changed it the second this song started. Mr brightside by the killers.

Yeah….. I decided to not message the other guy and messaged my SO instead. I can’t […]