i should have stayed waiting for my semester to start, instead of coming back home to spend “a few more days with my family”. A day has past, and all i have received are attacks. If my siblings do something, i am the one that get an earful. I’m 22, my siblings are 19 and 16, they’re not children. i mean, it’s generally like that, but the intensity of it today is as strong as 2 weeks worth of it. From this morning they’ve been attacking me, telling me to stop acting the way I’m acting, i have no idea what I’ve done. I woke […]

Yknow, I always thought I was better. Always thought “this time I’m happy now, actually though.” I thought I finally knew what is was like to be loved by your  friends and appreciated. To finally feel important to the people around me as much as they’re important to me.

It was all fucking bullshit.

Every time I stand back and look around I realize how little I actually seem to matter to the people around me. I know this is me putting them in a negative viewpoint, but it’s the honest truth. I’m never the first person they reach out to. I’m never one of the first […]

maybe they just couldnt handle it being a black mark in their brain? maybe it doesnt matter if everything is fixed. the pain, the memory, will still be there.

Almost 8 years of friendship brought to an possible end, by not being appreciated by the better half… Your focus seems to be on new demeaning acquaintances, some crush you won’t conquer and some heavy veil of depression. I understand, yes I do.

Do you know, what freedom feels like.? I know. I have tasted it’s beauty, while taking exactly 7 days of radio silence from you. It has not peaked, like it does, when we laugh together. However, it is constant. A constant in my life, is what I need the most. And it is not you.

It was supposed to be airplanes, to visit each […]

This asshole is constantly throwing garbage into my front yard and back yard

Generic I’m so tired post really.

I know i don’t take my meds. I know i don’t go to therapy. And i don’t know why I’m bothering with still living….

no matter what I seem to do, I just keep living the same kind of life over and over and over again. Same company, different job there, things are better. Get a cat, feel better, get a girlfriend, feel better. Parents aren’t so depressed or visibly disappointed in me that I haven’t gotten married or bought a house, had a different job in a decade. Girlfriend gets cold feet, says she has self identity issues, feels anxious and shitty all the time, we break up. I feel like everything repeats, nothing meaningfully changes, nothing feels worth doing anymore. I feel like I am fundamentally incapable […]

Is there someone in white on the second floor of an apartment with some “non – taxed green trees (grass or weed, nice ones…) and she is in the next room running out of food and just lying there a little scared face down on here matress (and there is a key ring she must bring with her — but you my friend must find that after lifting her from the room (a female saver around about 70kilos approximately 130 pounds — nice boobies… and then goes up to the bathrrom on the left and get the keyring with her left hand and keeps it […]

Right now feels like there’s a churning happening somewhere. I’ve spent the last few days in silent anguish and near constant torment over this and that, mostly work-related stress. Everyday for the past week I expected to be fired and it could’ve culminated at a Friday meeting but ended in anticlimax. Nothing happened.
I just can’t keep doing this week after week. Certainly not year after year because this is not living. Or else living without reason. I’m ashamed of even admitting any sincerity in my line of work cause it is simply frivolous as far as making the world go round is concerned.
But […]

i just want to die. i just want this to be over with

So I just got out of inpatient like maybe a week and a half ago and I’m feeling a bit better. Still sad and shit but better. Now I have motivation to do things

Boyfriend is very stressed and at the point of a mental breakdown. He might go inpatient. I’m scared of losing him and as much as I might not want him to go inpatient, if he needs to go I want him to go. Rn my primary stress is catching up on schoolwork and worrying about my bf. I’m just scared of losing him.

i’m done. i’m so unbelievably and inexplicably done. everywhere i turn i’ve got people telling me what’s wrong with me. i know i’m cold. i know i’m detached. i know i’d rather saw my own leg off than trust someone and i know i’m fucking mentally ill. so fucking what?  people try to fix me left and right but there’s nothing to fucking fix. “this isn’t who you are” how the fuck would you know who i am? how the fuck would you know what i have going on inside my head? i am who i am. this is who i am. i’m never gonna […]

Its funny. People might say suicide is the easy way out but one has to question:

Have you really been through enough to qualify saying that? And even if you have are you this specific person going through what theyre going through, feeling the way they do? I think not, and you never will. You can NEVER really say whats “easy” if you dont really know, now can you?

And the funniest part? People will still try to fucking argue it, even when they have no idea.

I love it when people stutter over their anwer/repeat themselves/or just plain having nothing to say. You clearly have no idea […]

down time is recuperative, because only then can I start to see the big picture, how I’ve followed instructions and made the best decision based on current data, and failed. The factor that I never accounted for is this; a no win scenario.

My motivation is such that I have to be entirely convinced that my work helps others, that I am not part of the system that has chewed me up and spit me out. I don’t see a job like that out there, and because I’m a man I’m socialized to equate my economic status with self worth.  There is no right path, and […]

Back when everything shut down, millions of people were having their life at their worst; but for me in only made me better. I stopped taking my meds because I no longer needed them, and I knew that I wouldn’t have to make contact with anybody for a while; it was the best mental break for me. The whole year I was happy spending my senior year of high school at home not having to make face to face contact with anybody. Now summer is over and I started college in person, and boy did I remember how much I hated school and all the […]

If you could get drunk with any animal and talk to them which animal would it be?

I worked for an attorney who was nothing more than a liar and a bully. It’s a long story, but the summary of it is this: I texted the attorney because there was an issue with a client. He called me back screaming and cursing at me. He was saying such cruel things. Telling me that he didn’t give a “f…” about my “itty bitty feelings.” He knows I suffer from severe depression, anxiety and PTSD. (my little girl was murdered). He continued screaming and cursing at me for over 5 minutes. Now he has lied to the Unemployment office telling them that I walked […]

R-E-S-P-E-C-T

Today i want to high light ”respect”…something that is very important to me, which i assume applies to everyone us…we’d all like to be treated with respect. However i’ve noticed that i’m receiving less respect compared to 6 years ago. Well allot has changed in 6 years, with one big change being that i came out as a woman at 19 years old (i am transgender).

I’m starting to wonder if the lack of respect i’m receiving has anything to do with me now being in a feminine body…you see before coming out I’ve never had strangers sexually touch me without my consent, like grabbing my […]

One thing that really helped me to relieve the depression is micro dosing Cubensis or Magic Mushrooms. The last batch I used as medicine also had Lion’s Mane stacked together. I was pleasantly surprised at how much better I felt after a microdose.

I am also attracted to having an Ayahuasca healing session. I have heard many good things about Ayahuasca – like one session was worth ten years of sessions with a therapist. I never saw any value in burdening another human with the dark thoughts that haunt me.

It seems like Mother Earth has the medicine for us whenever we are ready to […]