I remember these hard days –  ^this clown’s sick of quarantine^
4-24-2020  /    Back then I had a crush on this girl – I dreamed up this like, not crazy-vindictive person. Someone smart- It ended so badly. I kept spotting her in different places. She’s from out of state. but I tried to look ahead and mind my own business anyway. and This is why ignoring your gut is bad… what a narcissist.  She set all of that up to call me deformed […]

My panic attack (?) subsided after a day. I still feel awful, but that warped feeling in my head’s calmed down a bit. I’m about to have a horrible week ahead of me. The week after that doesn’t seem like it will be much better. The last month of the semester is always hell. And of course it’s the last month of the semester where my depression really starts to suffocate me, so that doesn’t help. Both are so unbelievably linked together, so I always dread this month. Right now I’m being pulled into two different directions. On […]

I have tried for what feels like an extremely long time to keep my delusions from consuming me. I remove one way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove another way to cope, I remove yet another way to cope, and then I’m back at the beginning. My bad habits hungrily chasing after me. My delusions of paranoia, superiority, the feeling that I NEED to be isolated, I try so fucking hard not to give in to them. But then, when I don’t… Am I really me? I woke up with sleep paralysis today, I guess. There was a person standing just […]

Wanting things is a problem. If I could just not care about anything, then no problems. No fear of losing out. No fear of death or pain. Just lie here in tranquility until my body shuts down, and gets returned to the earth. These atoms could be put to such better use in someone else. Someone without a me in their mind, twisting and tormenting them.

But there is wanting. There is attachment. There is fear. So I will lie here a while longer. But then I will get up, and continue the pretense that there is good reason for this organism to continue.

It’s time to revisit the classic literary works I used to love.

Sidenote-Anyone ever been to an abandoned building knowing it was a treasure lost to time? For me, it was a small opera house with dark red curtains, a long time ago.

Back then, I was all about that. Exploring the ages. It was exciting- My friend’s great grandfather built a bomb shelter himself- he prepared for everything. I remember the technicolor orange that filled the room- so ugly – and how small it was… it had a ladder to a secret tunnel, all the way to the surface. Standing in the yard, you wouldn’t notice […]

i might be called selfish or vain for what i’m going to say but quite frankly i don’t give a shit because i know neither of those things are true.  i hate my body.  not because i’m ugly but because i’m “conventionally attractive” or some shit.  contrary to what it sounds like, my head isn’t up my own ass and I’m basing this off of what i’ve been told about how i look (for most of my conscious life).  i’m really tiny, i have an hourglass body shape, i’m “fit”, my skin is clear, and i have good facial features (god it’s so hard to […]

Nice shoes or nice teeth?

Still homeless with my kids goin on 4months now. But an ex of mine offered us a place to live. So im going to take him up on that offer considering i cant afford anything on my own and he has a great payin job. My depression comes n goes. I havent burned myself since feb nor considered offing myself so id say thats progress. Idk what else to say other than im alive and persevering.

This is an update to a posting I did in October and I am now finalizing my decision..  I’ve added my reasons at the end…

I do make an effort to follow my therapist’s advise and use methods I have learned to steer my mind away from the dark thoughts which have plagued me for the last 45 years.  Sometimes this works and I can get myself on a positive track but it is not a stable track.    Too many of the triggers I have for dark thoughts are around me and I am unable to control that.   I have limited my access to news […]

I HATE THIS SITE

i keep coming here because i’m hoping to see people post something like: “i was just kidding, i didn’t kill myself, i am going to make my life beautiful and reach for my dreams and become the best version of myself i could, i am not going to give up this easily”

but NO. no. not here. you people will never do this. this site is so full of negativity that i can’t take it. every time i come here i only get stressed and worry about everyone. i keep wanting to post a comment under every single post i see even though […]

I don’t know what to do anymore. I’ve tried everything but there is nothing left. I’ve even gone to a psychiatrist hoping that she would help me  but i just couldn’t help but feel like i was being judged. A culprit defending himself. Yesterday i didn’t feel like going but i had to since the doctor had postoned one of her meetings to meet me; However i just couldn’t answer any of her questions ,i got defensive. She got mad, even though she tried to hide it i could feel her anger then she said that i was depressed, told me that next time i […]

Life is so incredibly sad and painful. As children, we’re idealistic. We believe in the goodness of others, and that the problems of this world are simple. Of course we’ll find a solution if we all love each other. For me, part of maturing has been coming to accept that the world can’t be saved. The easiest way to be well in civilization is if you’re either ignorant or indifferent to the impacts of humanity on the suffering of other living beings. For those of us who are aware, life can be unbearable. The way we treat animals, our environment, and each other is a […]

I don’t understand. I thought that I wouldn’t need to use this again but here I am. Again. At 11:50 am on a Saturday. Usually I just do these things at night. It’s getting harder to not want to cut myself. I started realizing recently that it’s just a coping mechanism just like porn, and they are interchangeable. Would I rather permanently damage my skin or permanently damage my brain? I think my skin is the better option. I never wanted to look good. I always thought that it was so unfair that just because of my appearance I was treated differently than others. It […]

My mental health has gone to shit and it’s been shit for so long now and I always wonder why I never just end everything for good. Am I some sort of masochist or something? I keep on jumping between being majorly depressed to having just minor depression and nothing is fixing the mess of my mind so I don’t know why I’m staying here when I’m just in constant pain. I feel like I’m not going anywhere and I’m just watching everyone around me grow and excel in life. I feel like my life no longer has any meaning or purpose since […]

Well I have been seeing my bipolar ex wife the last three months and she went off on me yesterday about me trying to control her and that all I want is for her to be my good little bltch. We were starting to fall in love again and the feelings started getting in the way and she blew a fuse. I got tired of her wanting everything her way and confronted her about it and she didn’t want no part of it. She thought it was ok to blow $5000 dollars the last 3 months and she wanted some more money and I said […]

I have 2 buds left. They have to do me for 2 weeks and I can smoke 7g in 1 week. Oh boy money problems, responsbility and addiction are NOT freinds. But knowing how much stress my husband’s in over this I don’t want him helping my addiction when there’s more important things. Like not putting ourselves in dept to eat. Of course what can one expect paying 2 rents and getting fucked over at work so your pay gets cut in half.

I was thinking today about something while I was outside walking my dog. I was getting really angry, mainly at my parents, like I usually do, and I was thinking like, why the fuck do they want to control me I don’t want them to control me I am my own fucking person but at the same time like, they always give me correct advice, so just to be fucking petty I do the exact opposite of what they tell me to do so that’s probably why I’ve been feeling like shit. But eh, I’ve realized now that if I stop giving a fuck about […]

i dont understand why you cant have partners or share methods here??? Like what if you want to end it but you dont want to die alone bc thats exactly whaat i want to do…me and this other girl were going to both die on new years eve but she killed herself on sep 15 of 2020 and im so fucking sad and mad bc i dont wanna die alone i dont know if any of you guys undersatnd this situation but pls hear me out…