I didn’t want to get up today so I took a Xanax and went back to bed. My ex-wife still wants to be in my life and she is the one who broke me and she can’t understand why I am so filled with pain. Maybe its because she is bipolar and probably more screwed up than me. Still here I am getting texts, calls and random visits from her and I let her. She was chronically suicidal for years and Me and our kids didn’t know from one day to the next whether she would live or die. Now she wonders that about me […]
How do you become one, consistent, coherent self? I want so many conflicting & incompatible things, and my mind swings between them from minute to minute. They may all be impossible anyway. Doing anything may be futile. But if I could just maintain a consistent mindset for a few weeks in a row, I could at least move toward something. Instead of being paralyzed.
I don’t know what to do. How do you make lasting decisions, when your motivations are continually fluctuating? When you passionately want something one minute, and couldn’t give a shit the next. How do you live like that?
…it’s all i think about…
In life, it’s much more easier for everything to be destroyed (sickness, accidents, death, job losses, family losses, & even just one wrong decision can even destroy our lives, etc etc etc), whereas it often takes so much efforts, time, & even hardships to build something. So, it’s clear that sufferings outweigh pleasure.
And plus, just look at our world. Ever heard of the richest 1% control over 99% of world’s resources (& even people around the world)? How is this ever fair, or justifiable? If you think about it, that means most people will just only “living to […]
I’ve been avoiding showers and changing clothes. Partially because I’m low functioning, but mostly because I don’t want to remember. Every time I shower or change my clothes, I have to see it. I have to see his name, etched into my flesh.
I feel sick to my stomach right now. I can’t stop thinking about it. The things he did. The things he made me do. It’s humiliating. I feel so small and hopeless. I just want to forget. Whenever I remember or think about the things that happened, my face feels heavy.
I want to crawl out of my skin, I don’t want this […]
I just wanna disappear like become invisible or better yet just go mute…
Okay so I’ve been dealing with a lot of emotional issues and because of those I end up acting irrationally. I try not to self-harm, because I know it doesn’t please God and it hurts my loved ones. But I am getting to the end of my rope. Today I was praying to the Lord for a sign that I shouldn’t kill myself today, but he didn’t answer. So I think maybe he is okay with me doing it, or maybe his grace has just run out for me. Either way, I should have done this a long long time ago.
I’m not even feeding myself anymore.
Everything is in disarray, my whole life. And I’m too depressed to get my shit together.
A little over twenty four hours ago, a woman I used to work with was killed in an automobile accident. She was a professional driver, and was driving a small bus, airport shuttle size, with three passengers aboard when a pickup truck headed in the opposite direction crossed into her lane. The highway she was on has a high speed limit, 55 mph. She was killed instantly, as was the driver of the truck. A passenger in the truck was critically injured, and is in a coma. The passengers aboard the bus all were briefly hospitalized with minor injuries. “They” say when two […]
I dropped online school few weeks ago, I tried to learn something but I just didn’t paid attention and didn’t make any notes.
Today my parents got e-mail from my teacher that I wasn’t learning.
They were so angry…
I cried for seversl hours…
They’d beat me up but I didn’t just felt the pain, I cried because I was ashamed of myself.
I hate myself. Why I can’t just force myself to do something?
I feel like my whole life is meaningless.
I want to end this but something keeps telling me to not.
I didn’t eat anything from 26 hours from now on.
A decade ago I entered high school. My middle school friends and I ended up not having any shared courses with each other throughout all of high school. So it’s no surprised that we ended up drifting apart. I didn’t really end up making any new friends either. After high-school the acquaintances I did make went out to different parts of my country to go the university. At this time I ended up in University and was truly alone. Outside of group projects I can’t say I interacted with anyone much; no parties, no trips, nothing. Attend lectures, do projects, waste my life, go to […]
generally, people always give the advice of putting yourself and your needs first. why is it that when i do it, i’m being selfish and purposely making like harder for everyone?
honestly i’ve been thinking so immaturely lately, i don’t know why.
i’m upset right now, actually. this whole week has been kind of hard, between balancing school assignments, some home finances, house work, doing just about anything that my mom doesn’t want to do and spending my mornings in waiting rooms while she does some exercises has been a bit much. finally, today i decided i’d work all afternoon on my own work i need […]
I have come curiously close to the end, down
Beneath my self indulgent pitiful hole.
Defeated, I
Concede and
Move closer
I may find comfort here
I may find peace within the emptiness.
How pitiful.
It’s calling me
It’s calling me
It’s calling me
It’s calling me.
Note the sarcasm on the concept of “good news”, the “good news” is that after plenty of pain and drama the people I work for have decided to let me keep my job description. Middle class junk. I’m completely convinced that working class and middle class are in fact code for; subservient enough to admit that we are all owned, and none of us have independence of action or freedom.
All work which requires others is now in my mind a holding action. I want out, as in I am ready to retire, because I see no place in the economy for someone passionate about effectiveness […]
I’m hurting a lot today. I would say more than normal, but on the other hand, it just feels the same– and that’s part of why it’s so exhausting. Everything has become so mundane. I’ve been sober since late September, I think. I’m proud of myself, I guess. But, dealing with my feelings instead of numbing them with vodka is debilitatingly difficult. I’m having the same issue with sleep. I have horrifying chronic nightmares. Sometimes, my brain will give me an extra “fuck you” and I’ll have a night terror. I’m so tired. I’m so, so tired. I used to snort Ritalin at night in […]
lately the way I’ve been hurting myself isn’t enough. contrary to popular belief, I don’t cut because of the pain- I cut to watch the blood drip down my legs. There’s something very surreal about watching yourself bleed, it’s quite relaxing honestly. anyway, I’ve been using the blade of a pencil sharpener to cut myself with- but it hasn’t been doing as much damage anymore. It won’t cut deep enough, or at least not enough to watch myself bleed. part of me wants to try using an actual razor, though I’m scared I’m going to go too deep and see more flesh of myself than […]
hope everyone’s doing better than they were last time i was on here. it’s been a while. i just gave up you know like i just kept waiting for my end and everyday i woke up and hoped that today won’t be the day i die, i wanted to live just hoped that things would get better but they never did, i just kept lying to everyone and stayed alive. i am glad that im alive but at the same time i want to change for my own good. i tried doing that and i lost hope every now and then until i realized that […]
Just listen, and judge me for what you think I’m worth.
I’ve been lurking this site for years. somehow when I think I’ve reached my brink there’s something about it that’s so quiet. I come here and I get to peer into the lives of others and delude myself into thinking that I’m actually closer to any of them. It makes me feel less empty, even if it ‘s just for a little bit. I don’t know if it’s all the medication I’m on, which is currently five, that has been making me so numb and devoid of life. I want to die, while simultaneously not […]
Dead. Dead, but breathing, to put it simply. I can feel myself deteriorating slowly from the inside. Emotionally, physically, mentally. I can feel it in my bones. At this point, I look into the mirror and I am terrified. Who the hell is that? Is that me?
Is it?
I suppose I look like any other person. I suppose.
My insides are all sick and rot. Like bondage on my organs, the PTSD gets a tighter hold on me every single day. I can’t quite process what happened in August. I know what happened, but it all feels like a fever dream. Do I really have the right […]
I don’t know what’s wrong me. I used to be so happy. 3rd grade is when i started to change, I would sit behind a small building at school while everyone else would play outside. I felt tired, tired of life. I would lie anytime people would ask me if i was okay. It has been like that ever since. I’m 14 now and It’s been a lot worse the last year. I try so hard to feel okay but i never do, I am useless in this world. I have no friends, I have no one. I don’t do anything and just sit in […]