Has anyone here been to Paraguay to buy medicines or dr.ugs? I wanna buy morfin but in Brazil os Impossible to get.

Wearing your heart on your sleeve

For all to see

You’re a fool

Making a fool of me

I’m standing here in the shadows

Watching you crumble And scramble

To put yourself back together

Standing here, watching you

Bleed from the inside

A fool with her blue heart on her sleeve

Only a fool

Would go out of her way

To clear her day

For someone else

Only a fool

A stupid kuudere

Would go out of her way

To get others to stay

By throwing herself away

And at the end of the day

You still wonder

Where they’ve all gone

And if they cared even the slightest

Nothing fucking works… I told my mom about my depression and what I am going through… And long story short… (I am not telling the whole lecture that she gave cause this one sentence is enough to sum it all up)… She said,” A thing like depression does not exist. It’s just thoughts and in order to get rid of them, you just have to divert your mind into something else.” Now that I’ve told her, and received her “extraordinary” response, I feel way worse than before, cause now the ray of light named “help from parents” has died. And hell, I even mentioned, like […]

Idk why i chose this to be the topic of todays post. Maybe because i remembered and i feel like shit now. Even though its not my fault.

Ever watch the big bang theory? I only saw a little bit. I was at a family friends house with my parents. I think it was sheldon. I dont remember it was YEARS ago. Anyway he said something like “kids are like pancakes the first is always a fail” and my parents agreed. To our friends. With me RIGHT THERE. It took everything in me to not cry right then and there. And they all laughed. All […]

Fuck covid 19.

I don’t really know what to do. I’ve been getting drunk every night. I hate doing it alone though I wish I had someone. I feel like I’m losing it, I hate being sober more and more everyday.

I also have a stalker? I’m not really sure what to call it. He’s been harassing me for the past couple days. He’s found out where I live, he’s found out things about me I didn’t want him to know, he’s trying to get into contact with my ex to get my nudes. I don’t know what to do.

I feel so alone. I wish i had […]

They say that a person must find hapiness with himself. Others say that hapiness is the repationship you have with others. So which is it? I used to despise the idea that I needed someone. I hated that my hapiness was dependent on anything but me. That’s why I detested the idea of falling for someone. I hated how it made me feel helpless, like I had no control. That’s why I longed for isolation. For nothingness. So nothing can touch me. And then I got what I wanted. And I hated it. […]

“They” say to write things down.

My limits are being tested.  I don’t appreciate change, in fact, even though I know it’s beneficial and unavoidable, it just completely sucks.  This year…this last year, since May 2019, this is officially one of the worst.  I suppose that right about now many of us are saying that.

And yet where is the logic in waiting?  In staying?  What does tomorrow hold that will be meaningful and relevant, and that is worth staying around for?  This …. life.  This series of twenty four hour cycles during which I breathe and accomplish.  Accomplish what?  Enough so that my little chunk of […]

I overheard a conversation between my younger sister and her teacher and it kind of struck me. “Kinda nice to have an older sister and younger brother at home to play with during this time” I couldn’t help but think back to the time before my siblings. Just me and my mom, alienated from the rest of the family. Would I have gone mad as a child? Even in our neighborhood, I had no friends. I was the only Asian in the area and my neighbors treated me as my family did. But maybe that’s why I’m the way I am now. Solitude is comfort […]

“Im wrong aint i? Its real isnt it?”
“Its real”

This is the conversation i had with my friend before leaving for work this morning. Deep down you know its all real, but you dont want to know. This morning i told my friend that my dissociation is different now. Everything use to be distant. I could reach out but reality was just too far away. Lately ive just been feeling dead. Like im in a coma. Like this life of mine isnt real. I told him i was waiting to wake up. That i was waiting to wake up to a happy life, with a […]

I actually had a decent day today… a relatively productive one where I rarely thought of killing myself and/or wishing I was dead.

I even forced myself away from isolating and hiding in my room to go study for a final exam. 1 of the very few responsibilities I have right now…. aside from “getting better”.

But I made it all of 5 minutes before I ended up on this site and reading through posts. Enough that I felt compelled to create an account.

In doing that, I know I just dig a deeper and deeper hole for myself where I keep thinking of suicide as an option. […]

Last few weeks I’ve allowed myself to cross borders I’ve never crossed before. I’ve really pushed myself out of my comfort zone. I opened myself up a bit to some new people, one of which a quite interesting girl. I left myself in a vulnerable position, and d**n if I didn’t pay the price for it… Everything I seem to do now just worsens the situation and I’m pushed further back into isolation and I feel more lonely and misunderstood than ever before. Being so close to some actual real human contact and having it taken away so close to the finish line. […]

I have 4 tests, 1 project due, 1 final essay, and I have to drive 8 hours to college station to clear out my apartment as well as look for a new apartment over there for next semester. I have a span of week to do this all. 3 of the 4 tests are finals non of which I studied for, I haven’t even looked at what I need to correct on my essay yet, and I’m really iffy on the project report. All in all, it’s the end of the semester. And I’m still slacking off. It’s […]

Every once in a while everything feels empty. Sometimes it feels like your heart is getting beaten up, sometimes by others, sometimes by yourself. What are we really in this world for? I just think about that often, not in a depressed way. Just a thought. Because we are driven into doing and feelings things. We are broken. We are human. And for what? What is it all for? Doesn’t it make you terrified? Of fulfilling your life based on something you never will truly get the answer of? Honestly, I think I’m just hurt. Hurt of all the things that has happened to me. […]

Each morning I wake up wondering ‘why?’. Why am I doing this to myself? Why aren’t I killing myself? Why shouldn’t I end it?

I don’t have a meaningful life, and I can’t see a way to build one. I’m in persistent discomfort. I’m mostly anxious, or lonely, or despairing. I’m an irredeemable person. And things are only likely to get worse.

How bad do things have to get before suicide is the only rational choice?

Is it even a choice that’s really open to me?

I wish I could just resolve it, one way or the other. Then at least I could stop worrying about it.

Instead every day […]

If you listen to this song, then please listen till the end.

Im scared of the nothingness and uncertainty that comes with death. But how can i be scared of what i already am.

Whats any of it matter anyway. They all stripped away my chances of life. No happy family. No children. No drivers license. No independancy. Nothing. Its all gone.

Everyday I look at my parents and this conflict starts in my head – what would it be like if they knew what I was going through? Would they help me? Or would it just make things weirder? So after discussing and debating with myself for so long, I think I ought to tell them. Maybe I should just tell them. What’s the worse thing that could happen? And yep, less than 24 hours ago I was determined to ignore all these thoughts and have peace for a while but seems like that ‘while’ was too short. Seems like these thoughts don’t wanna sink in […]

Even writing this, I feel weak, ashamed and stupid.
I was bashed and raped a few years ago by a stranger at the public toilets in the city one night.
Ever since then, I’ve just felt broken and lonely. I just feel so tired. It’s like I’m wearing this mask – pretending to be that happy, funny and friendly person that everyone likes. It’s just hard and I can feel the mask slipping and slipping.

I’m trying to be strong but all I want to do it grab my old friend the pocket knife and cut. I even cleaned the knife in boiling water…

He killed me […]

People tend to remember important things to them.

But when they begin to forget those important things.

Doesn’t it mean that those are not important anymore?

Finally they are starting to forget.

It’s fine, it’s better this way.

Maybe soon…

Amidst this lockdown, I found that I have been able to make only a few friends in my 22yrs on this planet and no-one close enough to speak my heart to. I have no idea how to make friends, and above all that I’m an introvert program to be quite and alone.