im tired of hearing it. its posted all over songs, quotes, you name it. time and time again i read about how something helped someone not commit. and dont get me wrong im glad they are in a better place. but on a personal level its annoying. because everything just makes me worse. the stuff that is suppose to “help” does nothing. im mentally deteriorating. going insane. my disassociation has me living in a fantasy world more often then not. im not even sure what the real world is and yet somehow i interact with people on a daily basis like nothing is wrong. although […]
I feel trapped.
I am a doctor working in the NHS.
I have been in and out of mental health services as a patient.
My mental health is starting to deteriorate once again.
I want help but I don’t know where to get it.
I am terrified of being found out. I am terrified of my work colleagues finding out about my mental health issues. I am terrified of being seen as weak, as manipulative, as not up to the job, as second-class, as inferior.
When I was in medical school I was briefly admitted to hospital and told to stop attention seeking and manipulating staff for attention.
When I was in […]
Ever feel like, being naked is not enough and you just want to peel away your skin and rip off the flesh?
Just because I am laying here with you because it is all I can do right now, does not mean “I’m not in crisis”.
Just because I’m not stupid enough to jump out of the window which won’t even break my legs or even my little finger, does not mean I’m not suicidal.
Darling, I’m closer than I’ve ever been/ you can comprehend/ I thought was possible.
Just because I’m rational, does not mean I don’t have a plan.
Just because I have a plan, does not mean I don’t feel I must wait.
Its funny how I still think about donate my organs when I die..
I mean the one who want to live should get a chance..
Not like me.. dont wanna to live anymore..
I posted my thoughts about five years ago, and another year before that. I have found over time that everything seems to cycle back to the same place. I am 58 now, and I would say I have had my depression for about 50 years and it has always been a cyclical thing. Like Cancer that goes into remission but comes back, goes back into remission and the same goes on..
At the worst part of the cycle I find my desire not to be suicide, but to just disappear from everyone and everything. Taking my life is just a means […]
I wish i was someone else.
I wish i wasn’t plagued of anxiety so i could learn to drive and get a job.
I wish i loved myself.
I wish i loved my mind, body and soul.
I wish someone loved me.
I wish i made people proud.
I wish i did well in school.
I wish i had talents and hobbies.
I wish i didn’t sit in bed all day because i can’t face being alive.
I wish i was happy.
I wish i was anyone but myself.
There’s nothing I could do at this point to become acceptable. I’ve irredeemably stained myself. So why fucking bother? Why do anything?
I don’t want to be this. The villain in other people’s stories. The threat. The source of disgust and repulsion. It hurts. And I’m not saying I don’t deserve to feel bad. But it’s not a feeling I can stand. It drains all meaning from the world. There’s no hope.
I don’t want die. I’ve got survival instincts like most people. Dying scares the shit out of me. I have more reason than most to fear hell.
But I don’t want to be this anymore. I’m […]
Wow. It really is as simple as that.
when u think it’s seasonal but u’re still sad when the sun comes out
I hate it here, it’s always raining in Vancouver, hostile people, grey skies, boring people, boring places, their boring ways to dress, they all watch and read the same stuff. the lack of conversation topics, people are either extremely alike or completely different. Every day just blends into another, the same house, the same bed, the same wardrobe, the same food, same faces, same breakdowns.
It just have to be me to be born here, into a world that’ll never make me feel complete. I don’t know what I want, and I don’t know what’ll make me happy. There’s too much beauty in the world, […]
the problem needs to go
i’m the problem
i need to go
I’m wondering if the best way to see who your real friends are is to be homeless.
I’ve heard that many lose their friends when they become homeless. In short, people just don’t care. And I guess their friends suddenly see them as nothing as well.
:/
Dear dad,
It never ceases to amaze me how you say that you love me and then go around and make me cry on the daily. It’s not like I don’t know that you love me you just have a funny way of showing it. Dad it hurts me a lot to everyday have to come home and get screamed at for the stupidest shit ever. I try and try to be a good daughter and have hope that maybe one day everything will get better but it’s honestly so hard. I’m sorry for everything I’ve ever put you though. I love you but sometimes it […]
I’ve worked out that the cost of my desired CTB would cost about the same as the two pairs of shoes I bought last month…
Joined another site (strict on their rules) but there is more freedom/liberal speech…
I’m still 100 percent serious about my suicide but I’m still 50/50 “Yes, one hand on my suicide, One hand on the rose”..
I won’t commit until I have exhausted all therapy/resources available to me and being as that hasn’t even started yet I may as well see that through first. Scary to finally know that the backup IS doable.. I keep trying you know, still dragging that […]
looking back through my posts it seems the majority are about my friend and how i fucked up. then theres the few about how my husband annoys me. (followed by the occasional drunk post but they arent important) its clear how i feel but with my disorders its not that easy. and that aside he said we’re never getting back together. and the worse part…he didnt say it because he hates me or anything like that. he did it because he knew that because of my disorders that it would hurt me to be with him at this point. theres just so many problems with […]
So……. I’m 24 year old lad. I have over the past year suffered badly with my mental health. I was sectioned mid last year for a period of time and since discharge was making great progress. The past two weeks – I’ve just had this feeling off emptiness, loneliness, hopeless. I have been trying to manage it, but I just can not stop thinking about escaping this reality for real.
the pressure I feel under at the minute is unbelievable, I keep having this sense of guilt, fear. I don’t know why the sudden change in thought process. I know no one is putting pressure […]
I find it mystifying how ” normies” (a phrase I discovered on this site referring to the non suicidal) actually believe suicide is a choice. You’ll often hear remarks such as ” he chose to end his life”, ” he made the decision to end his life”. Incorrect, dreadfully incorrect. Suicide is never chosen it is imposed upon you. It’s like the old excuse of the alcoholic ” I didn’t choose the drink, the drink chose me”. Suicide chooses you, it’s not the other way round. Nobody in human history ever chose suicide it was employed because there was no other way, no other option, […]
I don’t even know who I am anymore.