Reasons To Kill Myself:

Fear of extreme suffering in future – imprisonment, violence, poverty, homelessness, accident, disability.
Ending my current emotional cycle of regret, despair, longing, guilt, shame, self-hatred, craving, & fear.
Ending the near constant low level physical discomfort.
Ridding the world of my stain, and preventing any future negative effects on others.

Reasons Not To:

Emotional devastation of family – my parents and sister.
Fear of the experience of dying.
Fear of something worse beyond death.
Attachment to fantasies of a future – love, contentment, peace etc.
Attachment to being in this world- memory, beauty, music.
Fear of making a mistake – that continuing to live could somehow be worthwhile.
Addiction to certain experiences and […]

What’s your standards of a perfect day? Is it the thought of a sunny afternoon but the breeze is cold and calm? Is it when you get to enjoy that day with the people whom you treasure most? Or is it just you and your solitude quietly aweing in everything that’s around you that would be considered as the things that you like?

In my life all I ever wanted was one good day. A day where I wouldn’t have to think so much about what happens next. I could be happy within this minute and feel completely different in the next. I prevent myself from […]

I didn’t expect that the earning I got after 4 years of writing stories and campaigns for videogame developing would be expend for my recovery with the uncertainty of my betterment.

Fuck… Got robbed… By my own weak-willed mind

escapism or whatever, i just need to feel loved or something positive so desperately. there are certain books and mangas have been giving me these beautiful dopamine rush. i forget about who i am, where i am, and i drawn in the pleasant sensation that goes from my arms to my stomach, my back.

it feels so good, well, but just like every time, when you go under the sun and return back everything just feels dimmer than they originally are.

i’m physically attached to it, when it comes, almost like an asmr tingle, i float up in the clouds.but i won’t always get them. for now they […]

I saw her clearly with my blurred two eyes… It fucking hurts… how the hell could she do nothing or act like nothing is happening infront of her eyes, to let me suffer like this?

Then, I told our debate adviser that I would be withdrawing from the debate as my psychiatrist had told me.

To add up to my depression, I didn’t do anything to help my council in preparing for the university days and I feel so awful and useless. However, I also felt good, I love how I could do things whenever I want or do things without giving much effort.

Also, I met with […]

It is extremely easy to get pay stub paper out of a local newspaper. However, how to have the paper where I live? Within this piece I will tell you a little bit on where to locate the papers.

You’ll find good schools in every city across the country.

My entire life, totaling twenty-two years at the point of writing this, I’ve never had a real aspiration. No dreams, at least if I did they were lost when I was young and my mind was still free. My father died when I was young, leaving behind no more than his story and the memories his loved ones had. He was very successful for himself. Having served his time in the Air Force to protect the ones he cared about, he attended college achieving a bachelors degree in computer science with only a single class that he had a grade lower than an eighty. His […]

This is hard. Being lonely hurts. I know in my heart I am loved but I cant sit alone. I am lost. Completely and utterly depressed.  I am suppressed with emptiness. I am not content. I can’t stop this. This feeling is painful. I am so tired of this. I can’t survive only a day a week. It’s too much. This feeling is too much. I love you, but this is hard. For so long I have had someone. I never had to sit alone for nights on end.  This was gone so quickly. It’s been months and I still can’t handle this. My loneliness […]

i was literally going crazy. my brain wouldnt shut up and i couldnt wait a month to see my doctor again. i made an appointment with my family doctor but thats not for a week. 2 days ago i stopped it myself and have emotionally felt better since. i hid what was happening for about a month. i didnt tell anyone not even my husband that i was going mentally insane. i decided the next time im put on medication ill have to start sharing my thoughts more. not so much what they are but what they are doing. to sit there and watch yourself […]

I was on here a few years ago. I was a lot younger then. I thought I had felt the worst of it… I was wrong. Life has not necessarily gotten worse. No, that not the case. It just that I get these moments. Moments where I can’t breathe or think or move because of thinking of the millions ways that I tucked up. From the things I say to the things I don’t or just my fucking thoughts. It takes over me and I can’t move. My worst fear is what others think of me. I know it’s not good, I’ve made sure of […]

Do you ever get tired of trying to explain your side of the story? The why that why this. I’m tired of trying to get my point across because I feel like it doesn’t even matter anymore. I’ll only dig a deeper hole into my grave. I’m tired of trying to explain myself whenever I get misinterpreted. Whenever someone misunderstand my point. It got to a stage where I’am physically, emotionally and mentally tired of what’s happening. Everything’s falling apart and me trying to speak out only makes the destruction go faster. It’s like calming a tornado. My chest hurts and tightens every […]

Someone at my school who I didn’t even know committed suicide and I didn’t think it would affect me but it is. It’s just dredging up feelings and thoughts that I’ve had personally and the person just reminds me of me which sounds attention-seeking I know.  Anyway it’s weird because it’s really put a pall over my day and I can’t stop thinking about it even though other people have moved on and I don’t know how.

I don’t entirely understand why I think this way, but when I’m in a slump struggling to keep up with my commitments, my family and friends, usually starting with a comment my father will make.

“I’m just frustrated that you don’t respect me enough to listen to what I have to say.”

I go into a downward spiral, struggling to fight off the demons that haunt my life. My suicidal thoughts that play on repeat, over and over again. Their no rational to it, just boom your dad thinks your a failure oh maybe lets just stop here I’ve had enough.

I understand the insanity of it, I […]

For the past week, I am not feeling myself lately and this is not relatively a new feeling, but this past week has been more aggressive than its ever been and culminating today was the disaster i dont wanna think it is , but dismissing so , would not just be denial but also forthright i donno what, i am at a loss for flowery words, right now the only thought pulsing through my mind, is that i have to end this the quickest way possible i want to jump off a cliff,possibly a tavern, hack my heart with an axe, bleed till i die, […]

It seems that everyone is in the position of gambling on the nature of reality. By delaying ending my life, I am wagering that something terrible doesn’t happen in the mean time. Or that it will somehow pay off in terms of future happiness or fulfillment. Or that my endurance of suffering will be worth it in terms of protecting my parents and sister from the devastation of loss.

My problem is that I have no confidence in any of these reasons. There is every reason to believe that at some part, it will all fall apart. That my past will catch up with me, bringing […]

i’ve been wearing black turtle necks a lot because it’s warm for winter-i haven’t strangled in a while (not in a sexual way lol idk how people get off to that), i like it bc i dont like the feeling of getting my skin cut through or whatever, and it usually leaves less of a mark, but this time i did it and i guess bc i havent done it for a while i didn’t do it correctly (ig theres no correct way to do it i just have my way), and it left some thin marks and it was mediocre, i didnt even feel […]

I won’t subject myself to anymore ridicule and shame. I have decided that I don’t wanna pursue a relationship anymore. Why? Well because I hate that feeling of rejection. I hate it so much that I will avoid the possibility of it happening at all costs. I have discovered that I can actually still live a fulfilling life even without a significant other, gf, wife, soulmate or whatever you wanna call it. I know why women have rejected me. I will admit and own up to my flaws. I will work on my flaws and this will be an ongoing process from now on. But […]

I always come back. I reread my old posts. I browse new ones. I dont even necessarily wanna die anymore but I always am so drawn to this place.

Recently been trying to identify why I feel so unworthy and unwanted by people around me. I feel as if people always leave me, they no longer see value in me and that’s really affecting me and always has.

Moving though was the best thing for me, I love Arizona, I love the new people I met here. However the feelings run so deep for me i just want to latch on and i wish people […]

he is one of the most decent persons i know. the problem is that i’m a piece of shit who would rather run away from all my problems and leave no one with my burdens. i want to run away from everything, everything. i just wanna shut myself and play games and sleep in my room. i don’t want to interact with anyone in real life. there’s no point for me to participate in society anyway. i’m just a useless person who keeps giving out half-assed work because i’m so burned out and depressed.

he doesn’t deserve a piece of shit like me. at this […]

i have to make so many posters in 3 days. should’ve started over the break but my dumbass didn’t because i love to procrastinate. i am so stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid
stupid

i am incompetent. so incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent
incompetent

i am worthless. so worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless
worthless

i don’t deserve my happiness in this life. i deserve the worst kind of death. the worst kind of punishment

dear god please just kill me now i’m so sorry to my dog and my boyfriend and my family and […]