That exit I had been hoping for is getting so slim, I’m starting to realize where I’m at; a place of hopelessness, a place where I scream into the void. Treatment folks showed up at the house earlier today, and in that checkup I realized how hard I’ve been running from admitting to myself how hopeless I feel. There’s just no will to become anymore. Sure, I could be something, but will to become, that desire to be is fading over here. Someone has to be willing, and they aren’t acting it.

I ran as fast as I could after that thing. I tried to catch […]

I had called my dad after I got off work this morning. Was crying but was able to keep myself somewhat together to talk. I don’t really know why I called, other than I hadn’t seen him/family in a while and was just overwhelmed in general. I asked if he thought something was wrong with me, and why I feel like there is. I think he had said there isn’t anything wrong, I’m just adjusting to things. I even told him that I feel like all I do is drag people down and burden people around me. Like at work. I can’t remember the full […]

First, insane fire in CA burning everything
Now, there’s a SNOWSTORM- in FLORIDA of all places

What’s next- fireball in the sky?
Probably, if we get into WWIII- OR we destroy our planet by all the pollution/greenhouse effect/global warming/etc

[First Post]

Statements or responses that I carried with me from a child into adulthood:

– Why can’t you just …
– Shh! // Shut up
– Don’t be so sensitive // You’re too sensitive
– You ought to …
– Whatever
– I’m disappointed in you …
– I thought you were smarter than that
– I’ll beat you to death!
– You will struggle when you’re older
– Stop behaving like that
– You don’t know what it’s like to struggle
– You’re a kid- you don’t understand anything

Add to the list with a comment. 

Signed,

deathbycoffee 

I want to die. Sometimes this happens. I usually ignore it. I get so busy with life and work I don’t notice after a while. Then eventually I don’t feel it anymore. I want to live. But this time it’s been this way for months I guess. I imagine the gun in my mouth a lot. A lot has happened. I got in a bad relationship with a man I didn’t know was married. I stayed even after I found out. Three people committed suicide here a few months ago. One was my neighbour of two years. We weren’t friends but we were becoming friends. […]

Pretty safe to say that everyone on here has been screwed by it. From depression to schizophrenia, everyone on here has something going on up there. The funny thing is, it’s a thing that fucks you from birth. You have no real say in it. Certain illnesses like PTSD are sometimes forced upon us. There are so many times in my life I wondered why my brain was so broken. Why did it not function like everyone else’s. Of course in actuality most people have this sort of thing. They just hide it well. It’s not […]

So I have a strange observation about myself. Maybe it’s all in my head maybe it’s not. When I was a kid I had what I believed was a strange knack for putting on a mask during stressful social interactions. Specifically to certain people. People I deem better than me or above me or something. So basically teachers and adults. I was able to say what they wanted to hear and express what they wanted to see. I didn’t really think about what I was doing. It was like autopilot. I said things I didn’t really mean […]

Is criticism. It wasn’t that I didn’t like criticism it was more that I couldn’t take criticism. Other ppl will let you know exactly who you are via feedback. The most valuable thing in the world is not gold stashed in a tax-free vault in Switzerland, the most valuable thing in the world is feedback. In my own case it took many years to get good at interacting with others then a few years ago I isolated myself from others and was watching world cinema -Bergman,Bunuel,Fellini, Kurosawa, all that bollocks,  excessively, and thinking this would not be a problem. One day I was interacting with […]

It has been a while, huh?

Just checking if I can log in outside of Poland, and yes, I can. Apparently the system has blocked access for Central and Eastern Europe visitors since the start of the war in Ukraine, because for the past 3 years, I’ve been unable to log in in Poland.

Can I please the admin take the blockade down or exclude Poland from its block list?

There’s too much to say but anyway, I’ve got some of the genetic testing results back and I 100% have a rare inborn defect that has scored 5 (the highest score) on the pathology scale. So […]

I’m not entirely sure what made me think I could handle this, any of it. But fuck that part of my brain. I’m too much of an idiot for this job, every time I think I’m doing something right something gets fucked up. Granted that’s very typical of me. I’m overwhelmed, I’m very tired, I’m annoyed that I have to do this all over again tmr night and I had to nearly fight tooth and nail for a schedule. I’m the idiot that can barely grasp anything and I’m just another burden people have to deal w here. I’ve had to ask for help and […]

So much of it comes back to that I’m not sufficiently sorry, I’m not ashamed. I look at what I am, and by all accounts the thing I am was something I used to feel bad about. That’s just something I’ve been getting over.

I was going to lead with the German version of “Someone has to be Krampus”, but then I remembered this existed and thought it was a better choice for the moment. Where did the shame go though? I remember thinking there was something wrong with me, and I did all the corrective actions back when I believed there was something wrong with […]

Significant parts of me want to do terrible things. Am I ever going to? I highly doubt it. I may sometimes feel like I want to, but I don’t actually want to become the person who’s done such things. If that makes sense.

I don’t want to have to experience being on the other side of having done them. Having to deal with the awareness of what I’d done, and see myself that way. Then again, I don’t want to deal with the awareness of the things I’ve already done, and who I am right now. But I assume it would be even worse.

Possibly not. Possibly […]

can you be happy if you completely disregard people and how they influence you? can you be confident in living selfishly, without allowing the judgement of others to seep into your mind? i wish to be fearless.

I guess I still am.

I really thought I knew what I was doing. I really thought it was okay and maybe it is but I just feel so alone because of my rebellious ways.

I was supposed to play by the rules. I saw others play by the rules and they were rewarded for it.

But I never felt eligible for the game. I don’t think people truly know until they know. It’s like watching an episode of ‘60 Days In’ versus actually doing time in jail. You don’t really know until you know.

Its weird when some young people think I’ve somehow been through less or that […]

I posted last week and I was angry. I’m feeling better. I have a question and I’m just if this is only happening to me, or if this is happening to other women? Men don’t seem to like me. My dad hates me and people try to tell me that he must love me somehow. It’s strange because my mom or brother can talk about how mean he is and they believe them. I believe my dad is narcissistic. He always want attention, he acts up over everything, wants to always control things. I can never do anything right in his eyes. He’s so petty […]

Break is almost over.

Still have stuff I need to do.

Lost a game save I didn’t back up. Deleted the few games I have in frustration.

Don’t even know why I started gaming again after I said I’d stop to begin with.

I may as well save my money, not get a new GPU and CPU when I have working parts currently and just try to fix the computer so it isn’t so noisy.

Not sure what to do now, now that I’ll try to cut games out again.

Maybe watch anime, focus more on computer repairing and […]

I realised that it’s time to accept who I am, and I don’t need to follow anyone else’s footsteps. I need to be free from my parents’ expectations and live the life that I want to. People can’t change me, but I will still put myself out there, even if my actions look weird to people.

I was having a conversation with my mother and grandmother and they revealed something about me when I was a child. My grandmother told me that I used to play with her cards and rings and lay them on the ground, almost organising and placing them in a […]

I’m pretty sure I read a post I wrote with the exact same title and “theme” I guess you would call it. Read it a little while ago. Anyways I don’t have any of it. I got back into the lab this Tuesday. Even then I don’t have the motivation to really go at it like I did in December. I’m missing the January deadline for sure. There’s just no way. I’m running out of motor boards to burn out even after stripping the old robot from the previous team. I felt mega guilty about it. […]

Almost three years ago, I wrote a will and posted it here. I was super convinced that I was going to end my life. Magically, I was able to have gotten through what felt and still is, the hardest thing I’ve encountered in my life.

Life looks so different now for me. I’m thankful that this platform exists, I may not have realized it then, but when you have a place where you can anonymously post your darkest moments without shame, it feels like you can fully exist for that moment.

I may not have realized it then, but indeed it helped me live on. It gave […]

Anyone else find themselves having contradictions within themselves?

My brain forces me to follow my old ways with things, because it follows patterns. For example ever since I was a child, I was quiet and introverted probably from some trauma or illness, who knows. And here I am still quite and unable to open up in real life. Yet my heart tells me that it’s wrong and I should better myself. I.e. socialise more. I do also think that family pressure is affecting this though, because they always compare me to others and expect me to do certain things like go out to parties and what […]