Nobody gets it. I dont want help. I dont want to talk. I dont want drugs or therapy or company. I have tried all my life to want to live but I never have wanted it. I didnt ask for this life. I dont want to feel better or try again or look on the bright side or give it time. What i want is to turn it all off.
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my life
If I could go back for a day, I would change everything. My life is a story full of secrets and lies. My life is a huge lie. When people ask me what’s wrong, I just say I’m tired and they fall for it every time. What the hell, people? I want to vent, but I don’t trust anybody and the last time I said anything, they walked away. They walked away because I lied. I want to go back and fix it, but I can’t because I’m not worth it. Why do I have to endure all the pain and stress of this mess? […]
So, let’s start this off right, shall we? I suffer from psychosis. Meaning, I suffer from hallucinations on top of my major depressive disorder. These voices are evil creatures. James – The ring leader – wants me dead. Hailey wants others dead. Jimmy – The nice one – left years ago, I’m assuming hallucinations can off themselves too. I’m so sick of hearing from them. And yes, I’m on medication. And again, yes, I have been taking it. I’m so sick of this world. Nothing good comes of it. But god help me if I don’t want to live in this filth encrusted world we […]
I’ve heard so many life stories… Some sad, some happy, and some all of the above, but now I want to share mine… So here we go… Hey, my name is Arianna… I’m a 13 year old girl. I guess you could say I’ve been through a lot in life, but not as much as others… Currently I’m in a depression.. I lose and gain my appetite all the time, for no reason at all, I’ll get sad and or angry at myself, and lastly….. I self-harm… It all started 2-3 years ago. I was being bullied by two boys, that I will not name. […]
This is not the end it’s only the beginning everyday I live I feel I die more inside depression is a curse I feel so broken I feel damaged I’m tired of living tired of trying to live pain is my life it’s to hard to live like this
Today I tried taking my life, i left home after greeting my wife and kids, having them believe that i was off to work. Instead i had planned to go to the river pop as many pills as possible and pass out. I threw up everything. Not deterred, i pulled out a knife and started cutting at myself, the blade was too dull, now imagine the feeling of being cut without actually bleeding, hurts like a ************. Still undeterred, i went home, locked myself away in a room and proceeded to beat the living hell out of myself…(picture fight club). I passed out, and when […]
lately I’ve been completely hopeless, alone, and depressed. I feel sorry for everyone in my life, having to deal with me, I’m so pathetic. I cut myself this whole school year and recently my parents found out, they haven’t looked at me the same, i hate feeling pity from others based on the choices i made, I’m such a *****, i don’t deserve the kindness. I’ll never forgive myself on the choices i’ve made, i’m done, done with the self pity, the apologies, the secrets, and most of all I’m done with myself, i can’t even look at myself in he mirror anymore, I’m ugly […]
To my father:
I’m sorry I wasn’t good enough. I love you.
To my mother:
I’m sorry I couldn’t your get acceptance.
To my sisters:
You are absolutely strong. Great mothers to your children. One day you will all make the man who chooses you very happy.
To my brother:
My closest friend. My confidante. The bond between us is something that can’t be broken. I will miss you brother.
To my daughter:
I love you. I wish more than anything that has ever been or ever will be how much you mean to me. You are my miracle. A promise to you that I would never stop being here for you. One […]
I write this because I assume we won’t talk again. Sorry.
From an extra letter I wrote that I planned to send you.
Four years I loved you. We were always close throughout middle school. We always hung out, talked, walked, everything. I missed talking to you until one of us fell asleep, or walking you home, or our long hugs, or even hearing when people would ask me if we were a couple. I guess even though I am no longer in love with you, I still miss those things. I remember everything, you know. I remember when I first found out I was in love […]
I cannot take this anymore. I know my life isn’t as bad as some peoples but I’m just really struggling.
Firstly, I hate school. I’m really struggling at keeping up and my grades are usually quite good but I’m not going to be able to keep that up much longer. I dislike every subject I do, and the subjects I loved, my teachers are crap. I also can’t stand the people, there’s always those ones that talk all through class and it’s stopping me from learning. Everything at school is making me tired and I can hardly hold myself together anymore.
Other than school I do three […]
No rants today for a change, just stuck inside of my mind. The one place I despise the most. I wonder why there are people in this world that want to live, but die. There are people in this world that want to die, but yet they live. That’s seems cruel to me sometimes. I know for myself it has been a constant struggle, trying to keep it together for the people in my life, especially when I can’t remember a time when I didn’t have to deal with my so-called ” mental illness “. As […]
Normally I have some sort of poem, writing, or abstract art of words.
Today is different.
I’ve not spoke to her in 3 weeks. Last time was an argument over childish ideology.
When her ringtone started on my phone, I thought I was dreaming. I thought a cruel joke was about to ensue and drape me in yet another dissapointment.
I was right. The slight elevation of her voice rang a seldom felt and more distinct chord within my soul.
First was elation. Delight. Joy.
Last was the truth. The tragic truth of deceptions.
The voice of which I once had no other reason to wake up to, shattered my progress. […]
I have a friend, and our relationship had grown into something more. I have known that she has leukemia that has been in remission for a few years, but it’s back. After a long conversation she told me that she love’s me, and…. I have to say I love her too. Even with the things going on in our lives, I still assured her I was here for the long haul. I don’t want her to feel alone or like she has to face this alone like she did the first time. After a divorce that completely crushed me, I stayed alone […]
I don’t know how to live with this. With myself. I’m full of hatred & negativity. I feel so alone, & lost. I am a terrible person, but I don’t have it within me to be better. I can change my actions, but my underlying view of life remains the same. The problem is fundamental to who I am. No matter how many new starts I make, I will eventually drag myself down.
I have cut myself off from all humanity. I am completely alone. There is no meaning to anything I do. I go through the motions, clinging to the vestiges of life. But it’s […]
Alone in my room. Seclusion of my mind. Distortion of my life.
Emptiness surrounding me. Darkness shrinking proximity. Sanity is slowly progressing towards the farthest realms away from me. Out of my grip.
The sun is warm. The moon is pale. Rain is moving in.
Another form of discontented absolution. I pray to never feel the warmth of the sun and its lies. I pray to never understand the darkness and the truth it’s proving.
I’m straddled on a chair. The rope is synced to a sturdy place. The rope around my neck shows comfort and truth. Soon I will join the ranks of fallen.
It seems like for so many people, relationships or family is what keeps them alive or gives their life meaning. I’m kind of the opposite, though. In my adult life I’ve never gotten much benefit from close relationships. Eventually I tend to feel trapped, or burdened by their expectations. And because I’m so hypersensitive, the inevitable squabbles and conflicts can be excruciating for me. So I get very little of the good and all of the bad.
At the same time, I’m not immune to loneliness, as much as I wish I could just go live in an abandoned cave for the rest of my life. So it’s always […]
The rope is here
I’ll find a use
I’ll kill myself
Put my head in a noose
Slowly loosing care.
Losing consciousness, I’m barely aware.
A promise that was broken.
My life is the key,
This time is a rollercoaster, oh
I wish you were here.
Divulge myself into loathe and hate.
I won’t last much at this rate.
Lying, dying, yet not one use.
The inevitable truth is forever my fate.
Goodbye cruel world, I wish you well.
I’ll take the clasp of the reaper,
And I’ll see you all in hell.
I took my last final exam of my undergraduate career today. It was hard as f*ck, I don’t know if I will pass that class. I couldn’t help but worry that I would’t pass that class, which dominoes to not graduating then to not getting into graduate school… So f*ck it all. I have this beautiful plan that I will commit suicide on sunday when my whole family is out of town. I am afraid to do it. I am afraid it will hurt. I know which method (no talking methods on here), where, with what, when. I just need the motivation.
Truth be told I […]
No matter how much sleep im always tired, i constantly feel very very sad, its visable on my face, i dont see the point of going to work, i hate waking, i hate sleeping it seems like thats all i ever do, food has very little appeal anymore, i feel invisble, i dont want to end my life but I dont want to feel like this anymore, i derserve to be happy i never did anything to anyone to have my life turn out like this, ending my life is a relaxing thought but then im overcome by the feeling of jealousy and envy, of […]
It never comes out right, never quite like it is in my head. I always come off like an angry, whiney freak when I try to explain to you how I feel. The truth is, I don’t think I’m actually an annoying person or a whiney one or even angry. I’m just sad, ya know? And stressed. Anxious. I’ve had a lot of messed up stuff happen in my life, much like most of you. I don’t think I am any better or worse. But I feel like I don’t belong here or anywhere. It’s like, I try to connect with someone, anyone, and it […]