I truly do want to die. I feel bad for thinking it but I wonder since I reconnected with my mom if she would want to die too. She has more resources and could probably get ahold of a gun. I’m almost certain her religious beliefs keep her from any thoughts of suicide and she would never touch a gun either. I only thought of how she has nothing left the same as I have no reason to live. I can’t take the agony of being alone and never knowing what it’s like to hold someone I love. The man I love is still complaining […]
Tag:
wants
nothing is worth it anymore. I fuck up in innumerable ways without even trying. Turning to alcohol just makes it worse, causing even bigger failures. I never thought my life would turn out like this. Yes, I am smart, I have a future, how could I be so selfish, I have everything handed to me. I’m a wreck of human, inadequate at life, I have no purpose, no reason. I have messed up nearly everything and don’t want to wake up to face my consequences of anything. I’m reckless, and very soon I won’t be here any longer, unless the cats I work with this […]
Anxiety is the unwelcome guest within my mind. Nay, not a guest, but the unwelcome demon that inhabits the depths of my being, not just my mind. It captures my whole body in its icy tendrils that are mistaken for its hands, it slams loud noises and makes me jump, it causes me to sweat and shiver at the same time. My heart races faster than a horse at the Kentucky Derby finish line, causes my hands to shake more than the milkshakes that bring the boys to the yard, and forces my brain to whirl in a fashion not unlike the Tasmanian Devil from […]
I’m so close. Once this morning, I don’t know how close but it was this weird split state of a happy dreamland – very nondistinct, I would describe it as fairies, la-la land but there weren’t an any actual images, just a state of being – and another part of me just instinctively knowing something is wrong and my body trying to untie the knot. My body won.
Once my body won and I came back to this reality, I immediately threw the rope (bathrobe belt) back into my packed up things and crawled into bed. My neck hurt a lot.
But the thing is… I don’t […]
My math teacher invited me to go spend this weekend with her, she was been helping me alot. And the funny part is all this year I didn’t start liking her til about 3 weeks ago maybe, and now she is a BIG part of my life.
The weekend was fun, her family was very nice to me. Saturday went for a ride on the tractor with her and her dad and saw the horses. Then her dad took me on a motorcycle ride! Then came back and she took pictures of me with her new camera all over the place. It was fun. Last night […]
I loved him. It was two long years with him. I cared. I gave 100% everyday I was with him. And the fact that he wants nothing to do with me is the worst feeling ever.
So I heard he was cheating on me. Which turned out to be a lie. He breaks up with me. I go take him his clothes. I get there and he won’t even acknowledge me. I run after him. Trying to get some kind of closure. He won’t give me any attention. That’s when I snap. [being ignored is my biggest pet peeve and what triggers my depression is […]
Why is it so hard for ppl to love you the same way you love them?
written by alliwantislovenhappiness
I’m 33 and I have felt unloved my entire life. My family doesn’t think Im good enough. My dad called me a screw up a loser n that I’ll never amount to anything. And no man will ever love me. I have been in love with a man (my sons father) for 10 yrs. yes he cheats. Yes he’s living with his daughters mother but still is wanting to be with me. I am naive. I have never felt love like I have felt from him. I trust him I adore him I stood by him thru think n thin. He helped me become better. […]
I’m not a human being to anyone. All my friends are fake and liars, full of shit, false hopes and false promises.
The guy I had fallen for bitches endlessly about how alone he is, how bad he wants someone, and how he needs to be loved bit ignores me like I don’t exist. No response means that I don’t matter and I don’t count for shit. As I never have in life.
Even people here are wrong and full of it. My only replies are on what women want and how to get a woman when I have said I am not interested in women! I […]
I’ve done drugs since about the 7th grade, so about 4 years. I first started off with smoking weed, just like everyone else my age, but last year I started doing pills; anything I could really get my hands on: Seroquel, Tramadol, Xanax, Hydrocodone, etc.
I’m an 11th grader now and a teacher or Administrator at my school knows I do drugs and cut myself to cope with all the stuff in my life. She’s obviously been keeping it a secret; I think we would both get in trouble if someone found out she knew. Anyways, she’s been trying to get me to see a drug […]
So last week I went over to my soon to be ex-wife’s apartment to get my belongings. First time I talked to her in over a year. After trash talking me for the last year, to my surprise she was sweet as could be. And then to top things off, when I went over to pick up my son for a visit on Sunday, she came up to the car to give me a book (about God) she bought me.
She said she forgives me and only wants the best for me. She said she’s sorry things didn’t work out (which I thought was strange phrasing […]
Every day I wake up, dreading everything and anything that could happen during the day. I get to school. Everything’s fine. Walk down the hall my friends wait for the bell in and sit with them. Just fine. They start talking with each other, leaving me to my thoughts, and suddenly everything around me goes quiet. It’s like a little island. Just me. Reaching out for someone to notice the little, nerdy, fat girl who just wants to be loved. Then the bell rings and everything is fine. My friends call me to walk with them to class and we joke around as if nothing […]
I hate living here. When my aunt’s family comes over to stay for a few days I swear she becomes so fake. She only talks to me when she wants me to do something or when I say something they stop to listen and then carry on with their conversations like I don’t even exist. I fucking hate that. She is so fucking fake when people come over. I can’t deal. It makes me feel like shit. Well, it’s not like she cares. Either way no one does. What’s the point of giving a crap about people when they don’t give a shit about you. […]
Yes, I have been addicted. Funny how the people who talk about addictions here don’t get many responses, but hey we bring it on ourselves right? Fuck the world and the judgements passed on addicts.
When I consider the prospect of overdose it makes me laugh. Essentially it’s the same thing as hanging yourself or shooting yourself (the end result being death), but because of the stigma around it, no one really wants to hear about the person who died of an overdose. No one really cares, but I don’t know why I even care to think about it. I mean, I do want to kill […]
I don’t know what to do, I’ve been cutting since Fall 2013 and I just love the feeling, I hate being depressed but also love it at the same time. I recently got a boyfriend and he absolutly hates me ever being sad and he won’t let me cut, and if i do he’ll get really mad and will yell at me. I always feel like he wants to say “I hate you” if i do something wrong like cut myself. I really miss the feeling of cutting and I don’t know what to do.
I don’t know if anyone will even read all of this and offer some viable help for me to end my suffering. Please I’m not looking for a lecture to the values of life and what not. Also what remains of my once dysfunctional family is chipped away to only my very elderly judgmental mother and me, we are barely in touch, we didn’t even talk at my dad’s funeral. I just need advise to exit in a dignified and painless way.
I was an intelligent kid with a high IQ and EQ. Born in Asia and sent to university in NA by age of 15. […]
I’m 23 with a 5 & a half year old daughter. I met my fiancée when my daughter turned 1 and I fell head over heals in love with him. We moved quickly & he proposed. A year after proposing he finished with me saying he was unhappy etc. For a year after this we met up every week as there was still so much love there. Eventually after a year of secretly being together, we made it official & became a couple again. In this time he had joined the army (something I’ve always supported him with) and he proposed to me again in […]
Nothing is safe in this world least of all the internet but hre I am anyway b/c I’m so tired of doing this. I wake up exhausted every day and in hell. I have a meds appt. today and as usual will have to take two buses and deal with the shit-tastic city and the triggers. I am running out of steam. It’s hard to do anything with this level of ptsd and my T doesn’t want to know about how bad I feel. My apt. is so cold due to being built above the ground that it made me physically ill this winter, I […]
My cat is my best friend and my mother, my children are awesome but live with their mom, big accomplishment from a 37 year old male! Been completely alone for a few days and have spent much time pondering the remainder of my crippled life. I survived a motorcycle accident in 2011, have T.B.I. that has affected motor skills on my right side. I can go on about how drastically my life has changed in what seems a blink of an eye but who really gives a fuck! I do not want this existence, I’m %100 cognitive, very intelligent but everyday I stare down the […]
I’ma be, and you’ll see
Why don’t you know
I’m my own that wants to be
You put all your claim on me
I am the way that I am
I became
I never asked for anything
But a sick boy
Screaming for a home for his mother
My son in paradise
It’s only ever been me
And my
. . .
Then screw you, then
I’m my own key-master opening to the gate
Damn, Minotaur, that you are
We all fall in our places
Let me bounce, let me bounce
You can come whenever you’re ready
It’s not me, that does not see
Moan at your […]
Okay. So I need someone’s opinion. My therapist wants me to go to a hospital to get checked out and clear my head. It’s completely up to me if I go. I kinda think I should… But I don’t know… The whole idea freaks me out… Can anyone tell me what it’s like or if they think I should go… That would be a big help..