So I left and took the car my mom and me co-own but that she made most of the payments on. I went and stayed with a couple of druggies that offered to let me crash for a while but not before I took 666 dollars out of the joint account I had with my parents and bought a bar of gold using my dad’s Amazon store card to makeup for the shit he broke and refused to pay for. The druggies let me crash on their floor with a mattress from Monday to Thursday when they robbed me. I went down to the basement […]
So I drank some vodka popped like 3 barbiturate pills and snorted as much heroin as I could manage before passing out and I still managed to death rattle 4 fucking hours to be “saved” by my mom. Fuck my life. This is like 4 times failing to die overdosing on heroin. Yes it’s definitely heroin as I found out in the 2 weeks of being restrained first at the hospital and then at the mental loony bin that was worse than jail. If I had known it was this hard to die from heroin I would have been a lot less carful in the […]
God dammit. I feel like the worlds biggest failure. Can’t even overdose on heroin properly. Got a half gram with my last 40 dollars and snorted like half of it over a day or so. Then when I finally worked up the courage or a case of the fuck it’s or whatever I of course didn’t get the needle like I knew I would need. Snorted the rest in a huge stupid ass line I was sure would work. Guess it’s going to take more than that. All I remember is snorting it. Laying down and then I was half blacking out stumbling around the […]
Goodbye cruel world. I can’t keep doing this shit. I tried to clean up my life. Got off drugs and such. Interviewed hard and had a sweet job lined up. 50k a year lots of benefits and now I find out that I somehow failed the drug test for the job despite not smoking any weed for 4 entire weeks. Somehow it was positive for weed. So no job. No gas. No hope left. I would have been lucky to get to work starting Monday and not run out of gas before the first paycheck. I have 40 dollars left. That might be just enough […]
My story has gotten quite a bit worse since last May and my last post. Still on felony probation. I managed to fail upward and drop dirty for weed on another like 5 tests in the last year. Got a PTR for it. Been fighting that since December. The judge was actually a sorta decent human being and told me to stop getting high and he would let me complete my probation. Asking me to stop getting high is like asking me to stop breathing. So I quit weed and started snorting dope. Heroin… I got in a car accident a while back so […]
Its been a while since ive been on here. I was feeling more positive for a while then it all went to shit. There is something really wrong with me. I subatage my life on purpose. Maybe im looking for rock bottom. Since the last time i posted i took a little trip back to jail. My dad likes to call it summer camp in polite conversation. Lol. I was fighting a serious charge for class x home invasion in illinois which gives you 6-30 years in jail. Last time i couldn’t tell the truth. Not when what i wanted to say could have been […]
Not being sexist but most men want a women that is slightly beneath them and I think relationships that have a clear order work best. Women follow and men are leaders. I suggest finding a man that is slightly above your own status, smarter than you by a hair, and respects you. You will get bored with a man that doesn’t keep you on your toes. I think it’s very important for a woman to have a strong man. All the miserable women Ive ever met were dominant over their man. A man that doesn’t have his balls isn’t a man. If you think he’s […]
So I went to my psychiatrist last Thursday. Got a new script for vyvanse 50mg and a refill on my ativan 1mg 3 times a day. And he doubled my wellbutrin which seems to be working. Idk anyway first time taking a prescribed stimulant and fuck the vyvanse is strong. I couldn’t get it till Friday because of insurance crap needing pre auth. Anyway so I ate breakfast on Thursday skipped lunch and turned in early with no dinner. Finally got the vyvanse and took one at like 2 o’clock cause wanted to see how it was. That kept me up till like 5 am. […]
If I see somebody on hear talking about killing themselves I of course think about the method. Hm I say wow why would this 15 year old want to take a bottle of tylonol. “That’s awful. Hey don’t use tylonol kid…it just kills your liver and you go thru a week of organ failure regretting your attention seeking shit or really wishing you were dead already. Slow and horrible or quick and painless. Suicide is a choice. It’s the ultimate choice. The only choice you make by and for yourself. I believe in choice. I also believe almost nobody chooses slow and terrible as a […]
I LOVE Poppy seeds so I bought 25 pounds with the last of my amazon store credit. It’s just orgasmic. Everybody should try it. 😉 Question who thinks I’m really fucked up?
Its been a while since I thought about suicide. I had a panic the other day tho. I went and got some help in july. Went to this psychiatrist and got some ativan for anxiety and he gave me welbutrin for depression. I told him I didn’t feel depressed anymore. Just normal sadness ocassionionly. Lots of anxiety but not the suicidal solution that used to be right there just last year. Idk. I don’t think I’m depressed. The welbutrin doesn’t do shit as far as I can tell and this is like 2 and a half weeks in. I think I have add. I can’t […]
I’m out on 100,000 dollar bail right now. I’m facing a home invasion charge in Illinois which is a class x felony. The punishment if convicted is a minimum 6 to 30 years in the department of corrections. I am facing a death sentence. These alleged charges are total bullshit but regardless of the outcome I will come out the other side 10,000 dollars in debt from lawyers. I am 22 years old. For all intents and purposes This situation is going to cost me 6-30 years of my life. The courts are a mockery of justice in illinois. they are courts of conviction not […]
2 Tuesdays ago I accidently bet 33 black and won. I was playing bitcoin roulette. I thought I was betting odd. It won a near max bet and I won 1500 worth. I proceeded to gamble that into 10,000 dollars over the last weeks. I have won about 17,000 dollars profit worth of bitcoin this year. I was able to pay many debts. My girlfriend told me I’m a part of her. It means the world to me. I wish I was dead. I wish I was dead. I’m basically broke. I was in all kinds of debt. Now I’m just broke. I wish I […]
It’s  almost to a point where I wish I was dead just to end the nothing. The deadness inside. So much pain. Pain is all thats left. Pain and more pain. I cling to the pain like a life raft. I’ve shut out to feeling anything else. Its like being colorblind. More like LSD. Pain is like LSD. The colors are brighter more vibrant when tinged in LSD or pain. Every other feeling is like normalcy. It feels dull. The world just isn’t as vibrant. Happiness doesn’t feel as happy. Its tinged. It feels like the difference between color TV and black and white. It’s […]
Just wondering if anyone here would miss me at all if I offed myself. I come here to vent and wallow. Really I probably come off as an asshole. I see a lot of people here posting saying they care about people here. Idk if I can believe that. We are just words behind a keyboard. You don’t know me. We have never met and probably never will. Why ? How do you vet attached to words on a screen?
The only thing that keeps me living is knowing that at any moment I can choose plan B. I would go  crazy otherwise. I’ll eventually do it anyway. You can’t fire me. I can quit. Why stay at a job you hate. I think its funny when people say don’t kill yourself. You will go to hell. Don’t you want to go to heaven? Lmfao. I know there is a hell and you don’t have to die to visit it either. It’s not that I want to die. Just wish I didnt have to be around another minute to suffer through it more. I don’t […]
I’ve never felt less loved. I’ve entered another phase of wanting a violent suicide to spite all the people that didn’t care enough. I can’t decide whether I hate me or everyone else more. 1 year no girlfriend,no sex, nothing. 3 strikes in the dating game. Since the last ex cheated on me. Why bother anymore. I’m a biting dog now. Nobody wants to pet a biting dog. It’s not my fault I got here. No dog just turns into a biting dog. You have to beat it again and again before that happens. I have never seen a dog that didn’t just […]
My friend Sean died from an overdose 2 years ago. He was depressed. He would pop methadone leftover from his dads surgeries/cancer. I came over once and had some weed. He said I’ll give you some pills if you pack a bowl. I said sure. He gave me 10 pills for 5 bucks worth of weed. The pills he gave me go for 10 easy on the street which I found out after he died. I said are you sure? “Yeah yeah I got plenty he says. ” He gave me so many because that was his usual dose. He was popping 6 at a […]
Eventually you realize you might as well stop gambling when the casino is rigged. The dice are loaded. You can only lose so many times… The roulette wheel always lands on zero… Eventually you just got to stop the insanity of it. Why spin again? Eventually I always lose. The house always wins…. Gotta do what any gambling man would do in my position… Raise the stakes…all in…the hand ………….loaded:6
I’ll get lucky eventually    John G.
If my life were a video game. I would be playing halo on legendary only to spend 30 minutes trying to beat “the library” 5 levels of nonstop killing and traps up back and front in under 30 only to get killed by the last shit enemy and 1 step and second from the finsh. Round 1000 here we go. Eventually you give up and throw the xbox through your flat screen. Or you kill yourself. I’ll probably just kill myself soon and save all the supense. Why hope. Why try again. The game kinda sucks after a while anyway.
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