So. Fucking. Useless. Yeah, I’m talking about myself. I try my best to help people but in the end, I think I never did. So if I can’t help myself and not even help others, then what else is there to do.? Why do I even bother with things like that… It just hit midnight and I feel unwell, as if someone had walked right through me. I don’t want this life. May I have a different one..?
Category:
Chronic Pain
Having discovered the PERFECT method, I’m one step closer. A life-lover with a battered heart and a soul so tired there’s no word in the world to describe it.
I got here by mistake. Wrong door. I do not need to stay. I tried. I’m done trying.
This feels like a joke… My whole life has been a joke… My mother was to go away on a trip and it was cancelled over and over thanks to Corona. She was going in a few days and I had already planned my death.. Even if it wouldn’t have worked, I was at least going to try to end this misery. My mind is deadly, it’s making everything seem like it’s out to get me.
I had backed up our family photos on a cloud, which took me hours. Only so that my family won’t forget to do it after I’m gone. I take any […]
I’m so very empty… For 4 years you had been my best friend. But I didn’t feel important to you for a long while. I’ve cried out, for more time with you, more affection, but no matter how often I did, you didn’t care.. you didn’t care enough.
I’m not a happy person and I need more than other people do. I’m sorry, I’m like this.. I really am. Telling you goodbye, was one of the most painful things I did this year already. Great start of 2021.. Now I see you removing everything around me, that had anything to do with you. It hurts. But […]
I’m so tired of holding in 80% of my pain. Somehow others don’t notice the 20% I do show. And if I show more, no one wants anything to do with me. I mean, I get it. Nobody wants to hang out with a sourpuss, who ruins their happy mood. I’ve really tried my best. I did, lovelies. I can’t keep upsetting everyone for being too busy to give a fly.
So the solution is simple. I have to go away. I have to leave everything behind. Everything I’ve ever owned, been gifted or bought myself. And most importantly, the people I’ve constantly upset with my […]
I am so tired of
Doctors
Medication
Blood tests
Needles
Pain
Waking up in hospitals being told I’m “lucky to be alive”
Doctors telling me they don’t know why
Hospital food
The sound of the medication timer
My body surprising me with new symptoms and dangerous complications.
My mind turning into mush
Spending holidays in the hospital
Being poked and prodded by ppl in scrubs, talking in hushed tones, while the moniter beeps
Iv poles
Fighting to get thru work
Calling in sick to work
Having to fake it for the camera
Telling men on first dates
Telling friends I’m too sick
Telling family I don’t […]
I should be happy, I know I should.
I feel lonely and tired. I have all the symptoms of serious depression I deal with daily for almost two years now. I fear that I will never be able to enjoy my life and to feel happy. I have all the things i ever wanted. I have beautiful and amazing wife, wellpaid job where everybody, including my bosses tell me how important I am and two amazing cats plus all the books I ever wanted to read. I have a great passion – my own music but still I cannot enjoy it because my feelings of anxiety […]
She was saying something about something being “straight out of the dryer”, to noone in general. She was in the front door alcove of the hardware store, the one with the neon “Open” sign in the front window, right above the note that perpetually hangs there, reading “Had to leave, customer needed door fixed.” The neon sign is always on, even when they’re closed. Nothing she had just came out of a dryer. She was wrestling a large sleeping bag into a shopping cart, full of her belongings. Her hair, not quite shoulder length, stood straight out on the left side of her head. She […]
I’m not sure what to do, I just want to die.
I’m being kicked out from the last family I have left. I escaped a four year, extremely abusive relationship, and begged to the last blood relatives I have for shelter. It’s been nearly a year since February, and they’ve decided I don’t “fit in with the family” and am “not getting better,” so they want me out. I have no health insurance, I’m on disability for major depression, BPD, and a myriad of physical health problems. I’m not able to navigate Medicare or anything, I honestly just have panic attacks when trying to do anything […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
My name is Niki Wonoto. I am from Jakarta, Indonesia.
I am severely depressed & suicidal. I feel so alone, nobody cares, even if I die.
I’m 38 years old loser & failure. Maybe better to just die.
It’s so incredibly relaxing to sit in the comfort of oblivion. So peaceful to adopt a who cares attitude. I am absolved of all responsibility.
I was searching the webernet for tips on trimming cat claws a few years back, and came across a video by an animal behavioralist named Dr. Sophia Yin. The video was good, her personality engaging and attractive. Intrigued by what she had to say, I searched for more of her work, and found an article detailing her suicide. In it, a co-worker and friend of hers spoke of her insecurity concerning her career. Even as her business grew by […]
This is my story about why I almost killed myself back in late November of 2019. Most of the time when we hear suicide we get this idea of someone doing it because they want “the pain to stop” or they feel that suicide is the only way out. Well, that’s not why I almost killed myself. I did it out of sheer guilt. A little backstory as to what lead to this was that I had a friend that I unintentionally made feel uncomfortable multiple times throughout the fall semester of my junior year at college. Nothing that I did was sexual in any […]
I’ve been around the site for a long time now, but never really posted anything… Guess I never thought the point of it. (Reaching out) or sharing my feelings hasn’t been a strong suit being an introvert and all but right now I’m on the verge again… I’ve been struggling since a long time, first with autoimmune diseases and how I coped with it just so I can keep working since 4 years by abusing benzo’s .. trying to quit and ween off slowly now, but it’s hell. I haven’t been to work in a week(I hate it) plus the withdrawals are bad… I skip […]
i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling […]
Who else is actually not cruel at all, but wants somebody to feel the pain, that you’re feeling yourself.? Yeah. Me. I bet if people would know, they wouldn’t be so f@cking disgusting towards each other.
My posts here are most often about how hurt I am by the actions of others. Can somebody tell me, how I can start being more ignorant like them and be less affectionate.? I can’t see anything but cruelty. What have I said wrong AGAIN.? Most often, I don’t get an answer. I’ve stopped asking this a while ago and turns out people are fine with that.
Also when […]
Ive been betrayed, abused, mentally fucked, cheated, lied to , spied on, stolen from, robbed of happyness and all my belongings, caged in psych wards, my entire life… But it occured to me, a few years ago… That I too, live in some kind of floating box CIA prison , the same as Terry A Davis claimed he did, and explained… For over 20 years. Even in my youth, people shit on me, talk down to me, betray me. .. fuck me over… The suicide attempts, the depression, the pain i went through, the betrayals…. I never knew I lived in some kind of prison […]
My past is full of horrible memories. I am mentally disabled and many people took advantage of that. Many people did absolutely horrible things to me, such as sexual abuse and bullying and got away with it. I wasn’t even aware what was being done to me. Now I am older and understand how things work, I just can’t let go of the things that happened to me. I deeply hate the people who did this to me. There is no way get back at them and that’s why I have cptsd. I am in deep emotional pain and stress.
This stress is fucking up […]
Fact: Nobody likes a downer.
There’s just so much I don’t share with people. I could do way worse, than budging every once in a while and sound like a total pessimist, especially badmouthing myself. And if I ever do, people probably think, I’m being dramatic. Well, if only you could look into my head, you’d know that it’s just an inch of what I’m feeling daily.
I can’t pull these ridiculous jokes anymore and act, like everything is alright. I just can’t. Do you ever send something depressing to your ‘friends’ and go to bed and think: Shit, I’ll probably regret this tomorrow. And […]
People always tell me that I’m privileged, spoiled, and have a good life, that I should be grateful. But what if that is still not enough? What if I want so much more in life?
by niki
written by niki
I’m an idealist. I have big dreams, and even visions to change the world. But sadly, in reality, there are still so many factors that limit me from achieving all my dreams. Instead, here I am just being another normal, ordinary, average Joe on the street that just only do mundane, boring, & meaningless job everyday. Even worse now, this all has led me to experience an existential crisis (or existential depression), that honestly, now I don’t even have any motivation, or basically zero energy to wake up every morning, because what’s the point? What is the point of living, and what is the purpose […]