General

I hate myself. I love myself. Either way, I’m self-obsessed. A strange kind of narcissism. I find myself unable to simply be around others. I cannot help observing myself in their responses, and am appalled by what I see. How pathetic and worthless must I seem, for them to slight me in such a way?

The truth is that there is rarely any judgement involved. I am simply another background character in their play, as they are in mine – a dark blur moving briefly through their awareness. I know this – rationally I know this. Yet I can’t switch it off – this hyper-awareness of […]

https://youtu.be/QLLY0UYsNDo

i want to take a trip through the stars. i want to know who i am.

I have a really hard time relating to and understanding people and their feelings, for whatever reason (one therapist thought I might have autism). I don’t seem to feel love or intimacy or emotional connection to the same extent that others do, and empathy is a struggle. I’ve been in a few relationships, but after several months it always got to the point where the emotional demand was simply too exhausting and overwhelming. I’ve also pretty much given up on finding a “dream job”, if such a thing even exists —  I can’t really imagine what that might be.

Meanwhile, it’s hard to think that we’ll […]

I don’t really feel like I am heard now, so to be heard no more will not make a difference.  There is absolutely something to look forward to knowing the certainty of it.  If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to hear it does it still make a sound?  If a person cries out for help and no one hears them are they still in pain?  It makes me feel pathetic sometimes that I have to pay someone to listen to me.  At the same time, I would choose to not listen to me either so I sort of understand […]

Hubby leaves today for the next 9 days, I still have my daughter but she has school so there’s some quiet time for me to do whatever (while working at home anyways). Hubby keeps asking if I’ll be okay for a week while he is gone. I have considered ending it while he is away, especially considering I have to return to the office afterwards, but I know I won’t, primarily because I don’t want to traumatize my daughter like that, even if she isn’t the one that would find me, I’m sure it would give her a fear of leaving anyone alone. I just look forward […]

I think it finally happened. I think that part of my brain has finally clicked. So today was my last day of the semester. The presentation happened and nobody said anything about it. Summer has started. But my anxiety is still here. My depression comes in waves usually. Once all the difficult stuff is done with (finals, work, stuff with my parents), I find some sort of relief in it being over. When those times come I’m able to look at myself in the mirror and not completely hate myself. I’m able to smile when I […]

“okay like
Took me a little while to realize it but what he’s saying basically is removing faith as a motivator in replacing it with a blind devotion to facts is similar to giving a child access to the internet and replacing their natural curiosity with an ability to use google whenever they want
The shift from faith to concrete evidence as the basis for reason is the beginning of a process which eliminates all intelligence from mankind

Same thing with nihilism

communism

globalism

transhumanism

It’s about heterogeneity”

“yes its what solomon is saying”

“this just makes me think, and i mean, really solidifies it, that everything has already been thought of and said

so

i […]

I feel often as though I’m living in the shadows, the part of the universe that no one pays attention to because it can’t be seen.  Or perhaps a better analogy is that I am so dark that light does not reflect off of me.  Any intereaction I have with people sputters out because whatever it is they would want to bounce back off of me simply dies when it hits my surface.

I’ve spent so many years legitimately trying to make my life have some sort of meaning or purpose.  I have been in counseling for more than 15 years.  I’ve seen so many doctors […]

I’m in the middle of a class right now. We are going to present today. I don’t feel good at all. I’m not proud of what I’ve done. I’ve never been proud of anything I’ve done. This time is a bit different though. I don’t want to embarrass myself in front of my professor. I want to work under her for my final senior project. It’s a whole thing, but I really admire her. She’s super accomplished, so to fall flat on my face in front of her sucks. I’ve tried so hard for her […]

That’s what it all comes down to, trust and faith which are different words for the same damn thing. The truth is that I don’t know how to put a positive expectation on another human being. It’s beyond my ability at this point. Oh, you might say, but you appear vulnerable, right? That’s some kind of trust, one would think. The fact is that I don’t care. Curse me, you still can’t do worse than I expect you to. I trust people to be as awful as I can imagine, then when they are less awful it is mildly pleasant.

The fact remains; as I don’t […]

Similar to alot of posts here and elsewhere I have the same sense of hopelessness. I think for me I have done everything I could and it just seems I’m meant to fall off the face of the planet now.

I know people will say if you are looking for things to get better it helps you to go out there and keep trying new things. Yet at the age of 30 and doing the things I’ve wanted to do and just find myself failing at those things all around, I don’t see any other thing in sight I want to try anymore.

I failed in life. […]

I would never describe my life as a light.  I’m not sure exactly when I lost that, likely before I could even remember.  I don’t really have any memories from before I was 9.  Well, I do remember some things but I just really don’t like to talk about that.  I have a few memories of being happy but not many.  When I started to make sense of what happened to me I don’t think I ever recovered.  Maybe that is when it extinguished.. or maybe when my one friend couldn’t be my friend any more.  I don’t remember the last time I felt hopeful, […]

i’m not a real person

but i don’t want to be a person

being a person is worse

but each is worse than the other in its own unique way

Each day I ask myself ‘Why aren’t you ending your life?’ What I tend to come up with is some combination of subconscious survival instinct and fear. As long as I’m alive, there’s a theoretical chance I might reproduce. And additionally, I’m terrified of what might follow death. Although I tend to presume it’s nothing, it’s still essentially a leap into the unknown.

So, the next question is ‘Are those good reasons not to do it?’ To which the answer is generally ‘No.’ I have no intention of ever starting a family, so maintaining my theoretical ability to pass on my genes is utterly pointless. And […]

I don’t get the logic when people say life is hard, yet we are not allowed to complain, just grin our teeth, suck it up, etc. Worse is when people force themselves to always be positive, optimistic, & happy, at all costs. That’s a cognitive dissonance, that’s why it feels weird.

I think that is the path I am heading down.  It seems as though everything in my life has pointed me to this… Nothing in my life has ever really made any sense.  I’ve worked so hard and for what?  What do I have to show for all of this suffering?  A meaningless life surrounded by no one.

I can’t keep waking up every morning thinking that today is going to be different.  I’ve lived 14,000 days or so… why would today or tomorrow be any different?  Why would I think that “today I am finally going to make a friend”.  I have had one friend […]

what to do

i could browse discord or sp

i  could turn on my playstation

i could go back to sleep

yay