For general topics related to the site.
I can’t get used to this loneliness and sadness
I’m afraid of other people too
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General
It has been a while since my last post. I always seem to come back though. I have always used posting here as a way to let the sadness out and put it somewhere. I have carried my pain and sadness with shame for years like it doesn’t belong here and it’s embarrassing. I want to push it away somewhere and not think about it for a while. If I have a panic attack, the tears don’t stop and the emotions I have pushed down come exploding out. Yet, I do not want anyone to see me like this. I do not want to tell […]
I’ve been around the site for a long time now, but never really posted anything… Guess I never thought the point of it. (Reaching out) or sharing my feelings hasn’t been a strong suit being an introvert and all but right now I’m on the verge again… I’ve been struggling since a long time, first with autoimmune diseases and how I coped with it just so I can keep working since 4 years by abusing benzo’s .. trying to quit and ween off slowly now, but it’s hell. I haven’t been to work in a week(I hate it) plus the withdrawals are bad… I skip […]
I’m just so tired. I don’t see a point to this anymore. I just can’t do it. I just can’t do this anymore. I hate my job, I hate the people in my life, I see no point whatsoever to continue. I have no future. I’m just so tired and I want it to be over already.
I feel so lonely. Are you lonely too?
So sad, so lonely, emptiness, consciousness
i am so afraid of death not really whats after it but the process of it and kinda whats after but my brain is just terrified of dying i think about it every fucking day and i wish i didnt. the funny part is that its the one thing in this world i deserve and i know it, i regret alot of things ive done and i know i deserve to die because of it. im so fucking paranoid all the time i cant remember the last time i havent felt like shit and everyone tells me its in my head and that this feeling […]
Yep. That’s it. I want to die.
Sometimes it feels like I’m possessed, I have violent urges to kill myself and it’s like I’m fighting my mind to not act on it, like I’m having a fight body vs mind vs another area in my mind. Like I’m somehow restraining myself from acting on anything to the point my body vibrates as if it’s actually being restrained.
I’m so lost, I feel hopeless but I have so much to live for and I know I’m excited for things and to see everyone around me to grow up- so why do I want to die? Why is my body fighting for death so […]
9 shots in 3-4hrs can kill me? i wonder what 10 in 1hr could do?
“a woman weighing 120 pounds is likely to develop alcohol poisoning after consuming nine shots of hard liquor in 3-4hrs”
knock ’em back……..
The thing is, I don’t know how to tolerate feeling like this. The sheer fucking loneliness of it. The self-hatred. The shame. The despair. The regret.
I keep telling myself in my mind ‘you’ve got to find some way to cope with this.’ But I have no clue. My mind is constantly tearing itself apart, looking for a solution. But there is no solution. I have irretrievably fucked my life up. There’s no removing this stain. No making it right. No way to make myself acceptable to others. So I will always be alone.
I don’t know how to accept that reality. How to live with it. […]
To have a big heart, to always consider everyone and everything else before myself. It hurts to be alive more than it feels good. I think I should leave this life now I’m broken completely and I don’t have the will to make it work. I need help and it never seems to come. Cutting doesn’t help anymore I have literally sliced my entire forearm just to feel relief from the emotional pain. But it was almost like my arm was made of stone and the cuts didn’t even phase me. I wish I had health insurance right now so that maybe I could see […]
I’m not the girl you fell in love with it the wife you wanted, I’m not the one you need.
You didn’t ask me to be your mother, I’m not even good at this. I wish I could be better and help you through all the struggles to come.
I’m not the daughter you raised me to be and I know you’re disappointed in me. You won’t say it, but you don’t have to, I know.
I’m not your friend, I’m not there for you because I don’t know how to be. You aren’t there for me, but maybe you’re just wise enough to know […]
There’s nothing like thinking of and being reminded of the worst day of your life as long as you live. Every day. I don’t much wanna go into it, but when I was 19 I had the worst day of my life. A day that still affects me physically, the pain is always there. Its inescapable. It doesn’t matter if I want to think about it today or not, it’s with me, inside me, etched in my body. Inescapable. The real boot in the ass is I’ve lived almost double what I was then, which means all this was “free time” or “bonus time”. Like […]
I did it. I told my team that I had to leave. I ran away again. I’m pathetic. I always run away when things get hard. I am a coward. I will never be anything. I love spider-man. I love My Hero Academia. I think I love those things, because those characters never give up. I love seeing them get up when everything is against them and win. How they never let themselves fail or run away. That’s what defines them. The get up no matter what. I’m nothing like that. […]
Not suicide related
tiny insects in my room, cockroaches in the microwave (moved the microwave outside). CLEAN YOUR MICROWAVE, FOLKS! Mine smelled like food, no wonder they went in there. The clock area is warm too and they like the warmth.
I don’t have the capacity to deal with insects and no I can’t afford a pest person. Oh and a slight ceiling sag that’s been there for a while. I told the landlord, if they are interested….
I’m not a very good example here but from so many things I’ve seen and read online, a gigantic multitude of things can go wrong for anyone. Life […]
There is no hope. There is pain, tiredness, longing and sadness. And fear. Boundless fear.
But presumably, this pain will come to an end. Though it may get far worse before then.
Perhaps I will somehow find the courage to end it by that point. But if not, it will come to a natural conclusion.
The average lifespan is under 80. Knock several years off that for depression and chronic isolation, plus a few more for lifestyle factors. It could easily be less that 40 years. Even less if I get a terminal illness.
What’s 40 years, given the span of the universe? A blink. The last 33 have […]
I think….. Idk…. I thought about everything I wanted to say and now I’m just skipping to the end where I miss you. But I just can’t this time. I hate myself. I hate everything about me. I’m so fucking annoying I’m surprised you don’t want me dead so I’ll shut up. I’m fucking worthless. I just cant…. And I’m right, im just going to keep fucking shit up. Idk… Maybe you do hate me, I never gave you a chance to answer…. Maybe you just looked at it and rolled your eyes “stupid her again”. I’m sorry for being worthless. I’m sorry for being […]
I dont know why im posting this. It’s meaningless to the faceless. I fought for my kids for too long and now they’re gone. I once believed fathers mattered, dads mattered, but we dont. I cant fight anymore. In and out of dark places, only to find deeper, darker places, my mind races, and the only thing slowing it down is this drink…which i havent touched for over 20 years…until recently when all hope left. I know it doesnt help, but it numbs. I was with them almost everyday since birth, and i cant get used to this life without them. Is this what life […]