General

It helps to remind myself that I have everything I need right now. In this exact moment.  And that’s enough. Because all there is is this moment.

The catalyst that put me in a tailspin no longer holds sway over my psyche. I’ve managed to put the pieces back in their proper places and see through clearer lenses. Perspective borne of acceptance or resignation.

Although  I couldn’t see it, I was able to feel my insanity then. 

I failed.. I’ve accepted my death but it didn’t work. At this point I just want to have access to N. I want a peaceful end, let me have one please?

What do you do when you’ve made connecting with others impossible? When you entire existence is a dirty secret. When every positive encounter you have is contaminated by the knowledge of what would happen if they knew the truth. And you can’t ever risk anyone knowing the truth.

I may be a monster, but I’m still human. I still have the same drive to escape isolation, to seek out company and fellow feeling. To feel accepted, related to, understood.

So there’s this constant nagging demand within me to reach out, to somehow breakthrough the wall that separates me from others. But there’s no way of satisfying that […]

But if I am wrong
In judgment I stand
I will not repent
‘Cos I don’t give a damn
You can send me to hell
With the rest of my friends

Life can be so cruel for some people. I’ve just lost my gf of 3-years relationship, due to stage 4 breast cancer. I’ve accompanied her until she passed-away in just only 1 month last August, since she was diagnosed with the stage 4 cancer. The worst reality for me personally is that her death just coincided two days right after my birthday (26th August).

I’ve actually been diagnosed with severe depression; and not only that, but also most likely I’ve had severe anxiety, anhedonia, depersonalization, existential crisis/depression, etc etc, and even suicidal too. Added to all of these with a sense of failure & regrets at […]

Postal service are you still here? I’m going soon.. i’ll probably do ctb this night or tomorrow morning. Goodbye, my friend.

The alarm is already blaring.

My cat has been missing since Friday. I miss him and I’m very worried that he isn’t coming home this time, he has never left for this long before. 🙁

The story is unrelated to my cat.

I went scuba diving for the first time in a few years on Monday. So me and my partner get all our gear on and swim out in the lake a little bit. My octopus (second air regulator for emergencies) was leaking air so I was a little worried but it quickly stopped after I fiddled with it a bit. My partner had new gear and wasn’t sure they […]

None of it matters to me very much. I’ve reached a point of numbness and confoundedness that has left me adrift and unsure why I was so concerned about anything. I’ll just work some 12hr shifts forever until I can afford to buy some crap I don’t need and cat toys. Why worry? Everybody dies eventually. There’s not enough time to spend being upset over stupid nonsense that isn’t worth the time or energy in the first place.

Right now, when you look out into the universe that lays before you, what do you see?

Not suicide related

At the end of the day, if my mum doesn’t want to eat enough, that’s up to her. Can’t believe someone suggested that I get her some in home care… aaaaaaaaand what are they supposed to do? put some food in front of my mum and tell her ‘EAT!!!’ or start force feeding her with a spoon? No. they can’t do that. And nor can I. Now I’m taking her to the freaking doctor tomorrow. She’ll see that my mum is still rather underweight and… what am I going to tell the doctor? That my mum doesn’t eat enough? Because that’s the truth. […]

I do not want to create drama, nor do I want attention.   Well,  maybe I do want attention, but I am not going to do anything stupid to get it.    What I want to do is just disappear.  Disappear from my disappointment in myself, from disappointment I have caused for others, and from disappointments I will most likely continue to cause.

I’ve felt this way for at least 45 of my 58 years.    Possibly even longer.     I was around twelve years when I realized this was a feeling that I would face every day.   On good days I could easily put them […]

I’ve been sleeping a lot lately. Whenever there is things to be done, I simply go to sleep. It’s easier. It’s easier to close my eyes, put on a podcast and go to sleep. It’s easier to pretend there is nothing wrong and that nothing exists outside of my room. It is easier to wake up, look at the clock, then close my eyes again. It’s easier to write all this stuff down than to do anything about it. It’s simply easier. I need to take my medicine. It won’t take itself. Just because some […]

One day I’ll have the strength to get out