General

so im over my last record of a week, and every part of me is wondering why im bothering. im just gonna go back to drinking and smoking up. but its his bday, and i fucked it up big time last year. stupid mental disorders. its only a few more weeks…..however with each passing day i want it more and more. i thought things were suppose to get easier.

also (disclaimer not saying anyone should just wondering other peoples opinion on the subject) why not? i mean yolo right? and if we’re suicidal anyway why not live our life the way we please until our […]

One of the biggest things inhibiting desire for suicide in me is thinking about my parents getting the news. Imagining these wonderful people who have poured so much love and energy into supporting me over the years, long after they should have turned their backs. It just seems completely unacceptable to do that to them. I know it’ll break them – they’re way too emotionally invested. Putting them through that much pain – and I don’t think they’d ever heal. I’m a terrible person, and a terrible son, but I still love them.

On the other hand, continuing to exist also seems unacceptable. I shouldn’t be. […]

I don’t want to make a scene among family, colleagues or friends.    I want to find a place I can go to relax and let nature take its course.   This depression I have had for close to 50 years is now a terminal disease for me.     I long now for a hospice where I could just fall asleep.     I imagine that sleep will be like a sleep I had a couple of years ago when I had surgery.   I remember having the mask on my face and the Dr. telling me to take deep breaths and then nothing.  Nothing until I woke […]

I was here about three years ago. I’m here again because I’m losing my mind and I feel like I need to write this out somewhere finally and no platform felt safe.
Still don’t feel safe. Shit, why is this so hard to talk about?

I think my father has been cheating on my mother with escorts (for years) and my mother knows about his tendencies but prefers to lie to herself and lie to everyone that everything is fine.

And I fucking hate to have come to know this information, but in the same time I’m somewhat relieved because I always thought I am just […]

Just feeel like crap.  Just waiting for the right moment to end it all.. Need to get over my fear and just jump.

Just something i got inspired to write.

A wooden doll, burned at the stake

Crackles with the pain of hellish laughter

In the rising smoke of the night

You see the shadows dance and play

They don’t know they’re damned for eternity

A child’s tears awakens the grave

As the headstone is praised

A voice from nothing calls for death

A reply taken in a melancholy breath

They say hi to all the SP people.

Why is it that every single thing that ever happens in life is just a rehash of things that have previously happened, and I’m always surprised by it? Wow, I didn’t expect that to happen. Oh-well, pass the booze. I’m gonna be here for a while, I bet.

I just want to disappear. Not completely, not off the face of there Earth. Just disappear from everyone who knows me. Disappear from everything that brings me down in life. Disappear from everyone that an extensive, lasting bond has been formed with. Because frankly, not every one of these bonds is a positive or fruitful bond. In fact some are quite the opposite, yet they’re bonded nonetheless and it is one that cannot be broken for some time.

I want to disappear and travel to a portion of the world where I can be me. Do my things. Not be judged. Be recognized of the capabilities […]

Slowly dying

My father won’t control me anymore after this. I have had it with him. I admit I am the one responsible for my DUI accident back a couple months ago but if he wants to know what was going through my head that night then I would tell him that I was out driving because I wanted to stay away from him as soon as he got home so I drove down to the gas station to buy some alcohol. On my way back home to the place I dread I opened up my drink and started drinking because the guy scares me and I […]

I contacted my ghost again. Just to let her know that I am here for her and that nothing will change. I felt like telling that subreddit where I asked for advice that I did this. They all told me to stay away before. But I felt like explaining why I did what I did. I didn’t need to tell them anything, but I just felt like saying that I thought about it and I didn’t want to follow their advice and that I wanted to text her once a week to let her know that I was here. […]

idk. the more and more i think about it the more and more i wonder how bad drinking and smoking up really is. its better then this reality that haunts me every waking second

It’s been a while since the last time I was here. Now, with all this Covid stuff, I’ve been isolated at home for 5 weeks. Most people seem to have problems with being locked, there must be a feeling of loneliness and despair and things like these in our society nowadays, but for me it’s kinda different. As someone with social phobia, these weeks inside home with no contact with people have been wonderful. But this is the problem with me right now.

I started (again) my PhD in january, and I’ve had some problems with the academic part, I’m not an intelligent person, and the […]

Don’t fucking trust a stephanie…

And don’t trust a fucking stephaine.

I’m sorry if my post looks like some kind of virtue signalling.
As if it wasn’t already bad enough. Now the rates of domestic violence, mental illness, and other things are going to go through the roof. People are already killing themselves due to the lockdowns and isolation.
People are losing everything, their jobs, and they can’t even go and visit others (depends on the lockdown severity).

And yes it amazes me (but it shouldn’t) on how easily people are controlled. Humanity is such a failure!
I’m not denying the severity of corona though.
That’s as far as I’ll write.

I haven’t had my first therapy session yet. It’s next Wednesday. I scheduled it this past week. However, at this point in time, I feel like no amount of therapy will help. No amount of medication will help. I just feel that I’m fundamentally wrong. I feel that suicide for me isn’t a matter of being unhappy or having my back against the wall. It’s just a simple means of escape. It’s a route to take because I feel like I serve no purpose. I know there are ways to remedy this besides suicide. Ways […]

I know now.

It isn’t because the darkness surrounds me.

It isn’t because it comes to me everytime.

It is because I am darkness.

I am made of it.

It is inside me.

I am a creature of darkness.

So there is no way I can get rid of it.

I will suffer for eternity.

Because that’s who I am.

I can’t escape from myself..

I’m not sure what to do. I dont want to keep living, but I have people who love me…. my girlfriend for example. We first got together when she herself was going to kill herself. But she’s better and I’m…. not. And I dont even have a bad life. I cant talk to anyone about it without them freaking out, so here I am. I actually found this looking up how to write a suicide letter….