General

I’m doing this for you. Why do you hate me? Why haven’t we talked in days!? You didn’t answer me for an hour the other night until I was leaving for work and then all you did was send me a smiley face and that was the last thing I heard from you.

Im sorry :'( i know I’m probably over reacting. I know theres probably an explanation. It’s just….I dont feel the same way towards you anymore….I guess that’s how i protect myself now after being hurt so much. I use to have to talk to you. But I dont much care anymore. Although it’s […]

I’m in the position a lot of you wish you were in. The point where it gets easier. The point where suicide is actually in sight. As one approaches the act of suicide they start to hear voices in their head antagonizing them. I’m not relating that as my personal experience. Scientifically speaking, that’s what almost always happens.

Once or twice, awhile back, I actually heard the voices in my head. I immediately suppressed them, but I take a slight comfort knowing they’re there and if I wanted I could slip back into that state again and cultivate those voices by engaging with them instead.

I’ve been […]

is it just me or is the night worse? i start work at 2am. and i find between then and daylight i have nothing. no motivation. i cant move. i cant speak. but when daylight gets here its gets a little better. im still suicidal and what not but it becomes easier to push it aside, as long as something doesnt trigger me, which something typically does.

I wish they were dead for years. I would have killed them but I am afraid of going to prison

I think the worst thing about being ghosted is that there isn’t really anything to do about it. It just is what it is. Deep down I hope for another shot just to hear her voice, but I’m pretty sure I’ve run out of shots. It’s funny that 70% of that friendship was so stressful thinking about what she was doing and hoping she was ok and wondering why she wasn’t picking up my calls and wondering if I said anything wrong. But for that sweet 30%, it was just nice to hear her voice. To know that she was […]

I hear it calling.
I see it shining.
Edge of mercy.
Finds me dying.

Cold is the touch.
Sharp is the blade.
Holding it gently.
The cut is made.

Feel the sting.
A tear of red.
Smell the blood.
Close to dead.

Taste the power.
Controlling this knife.
Relief is coming.
Surge of life.

Water running.
Sound of peace.
Washed away.
Pain to cease.

Now I’m living.
Not for long.
Short term high.
Repeat again this dance and song.

So I live in Canada, and we are all under this quarantine and my work is closed. Normally I have no issues staying home, infact I prefer it. But now I can’t go out and see people who make me happy. And my living situation with my parents is so horribly toxic I feel like i’m drowning. Everything I fucking do is wrong. I’m too old for this. I shouldn’t feel this way. I don’t deserve the bullshit I get but here we are. I haven’t been depressed in months. I worked so hard, so fucking hard not to be anymore and in 3 weeks […]

One pull of the trigger. One gulp of the pill. Thats it. Itll be over. All this pain and suffering…..ceased. Turned into nothingness. No more memories. No more thoughts. But i dont have a gun. But i dont have a pill. i do have a bottle. i do have a joint. and thats as close to dead as i can get right now. in time though…. i cant see me lasting much longer. i dont see my death as a peaceful old lady laying in bed, surrounded by loved ones as my life slowly leaves me. i see it ending in a jump. a bloody […]

I’ve got a dirty secret.
hush now, never tell.
quite a filthy secret-
for which I’ll burn in hell.

see, such a nasty secret.
should never cross ones lips;
so 10 long years I’ve waited
Whilst through my soul it rips.

I’ve sat alone, pretending
that everything’s just fine.
I swore I’d never tell a soul
but after all this time…

I find myself just burning
to say those secret words.
The truth to sink in someone’s ear,
to finally be heard.

The twisted nauseation
to curl around their soul,
As they find that they believe me.
The curse of knowledge in whole.

Alas, it’ll never be spoken aloud.
it’s […]

I haven’t spoke lately, in fact I havent been on here lately for a while. I thought I finally beat depression, I thought I wouldn’t get the self harm thoughts again. I thought “yes I’ve finally set myself free”. But it isn’t that simple as that is it. I must say I am proud of myself I haven’t self harmed for a while, so there is still hope out there. However the thought still crosses my mind. What would one more do, one more line, one more scar to add what harm would that do. But depression is a black hole acting as like its […]

No one wants me anymore, they pushed me out or walked away. No one cares that I cant handle it. The intense voice in my head being stuck inside, my life being sucked away from me, I cant handle it. I’m being sucked into a dark hole again and literally no one is there to help me crawl out. This isolation can last a year or more. I dont think il be able to do it. While this has been my fear since the outbreak emerged everyone didnt even think about it. Now it’s all over media, what about the mentally ill? It happened again, […]

Spirals are a gorgeous shape. Simply flawless, mimicked everywhere you look in nature. Look at me trying to be profound. Spirals are simply perfect aside from their incredible downfalls. No matter how you turn them they are downward, and eventually they end.
lucky me, to be stuck in such a shape of error.
The mind flits, naturally, to curly slides and fries and cascading curls of hair on special occasions. But this spiral is not something fun. Though it may be beautiful, watching such a disaster unfold.
One thinks, this must be the final downward turn. I am but mere moments away from level ground, […]

Meet me in the future
Then maybe our fate will change
Ill be happy fluffy ball that only look at you
Youll be caring sunshine that only look at me

Then
We can be one
Like we are wished to be

my friends bday is coming up. after fucking it up last year and having a mental breakdown i want to surprise him this year and be a month clean. i want to message him and say “HAPPY BIRTHDAY!!!! oh and my present to you because i know it will make you happy….i havent had a joint or a drink in a month 🙂 april **th was my last day.” but i cant do it. i havent had a drink in a day or so and im a b*tch. my husband mentioned that im “on edge” and thats the first time in my life ive ever […]

I cant. I dug myself out of a fucking whole a year ago. I was on the brink of wanting to kill me and my kid being home all day. I’m luckily still working but I swear if I lose my job over this stupid pandemic. I’m in for it. I cant have such an available schedule. I make myself busy I do everything and anything I can to stay busy til I can’t stay awake longer. I have had mental health issues for years. I dont believe in medication. I know what keeps me balanced. If this covid BS affects me directly I’m gone. […]