There have been many people that have helped me up until this point in my life. I can’t express my gratitude towards them, because words can’t explain how much they’ve done for me. I seem ungrateful, greedy, and selfish. I promise that I am none of the things above to anyone who has helped me, although I may come off that way sometimes. There just so happen to be days where I can’t function, my brain gives up, and my body caves in on itself. I hate myself.
I hate myself to an extent that I’ve never felt before. I avoid mirrors at most costs to avoid looking at my body, because all I see is one that should not exist, that should shrink down to 0 pounds, and a body that is riddled with scars and imperfections. I hate that I can’t manage to do things right, even on my good days. Despite my ability to go day to day helping others, I still manage to fail myself. And I will continue to fail myself, because that is my pattern. The things I do to cope make me more worthless than I already am, but I don’t see an end to any of my addictions. At least not any time soon. The more time I waste, the more I will fail. I have no hope for a future, because at 16 years of living, if I could do this much damage, how much could I do at 20? 30?
I have a sinking paranoia that I carry with me at all times that everyone hates me. It doesn’t matter if they laugh or talk with me, I still manage to do things wrong. I am annoying, I am a burden, and I can not support my friends enough for them to stay in my life. People would be much better off without me. My parents would have more money, they wouldn’t have to focus on my sorry self, and they would be happier with just my sister. Another burden taken off their shoulders. The teachers and students at school wouldn’t have to deal with seeing me at school, and having to look at my failure of a body and face every day. People wouldn’t have to waste their time on me, or bear the burden of having me talk to them every day. The people at my church would be happier, feel more free to enjoy themselves, and not have to listen to me talk about my struggles. They would be free of the annoyance of my text messages and calls, and would simply think that I’m another obstacle out of their lives, which I would be.
While people would grieve for a while, as they do when anyone dies, the world would keep spinning, the sun would rise every day, and the flowers would continue growing. Eventually, I would be forgotten, and everyone I love would be able to move on and continue their successful lives without me. I am not of that much importance to anyone, really.
I see this as a favor to most people. Taking an obstacle out of many lives, removing a burden on the shoulders of the people I love, and allowing some people to breathe again. To those concerned with the reasoning of the action taken, please know it was not out of spite or greed.