i can’t do school. i feel like i lose all my energy just being in google meets. And then there’s homework on top of that??? like bruh im already having to use so much energy to not kill myself and y’all expect me to pass classes asdhf. i just wish i could sleep forever. I can’t even talk to my therapist i’m so tired of thinking. here’s a song that helps soothe my thoughts,,
Rants
i want more friends that i don’t feel alien from. that can relate to how i feel or at least know what it’s like to almost die at ur own hands. idk. these days i can’t help look back to the mental hospital bittersweetly at how things were so the same everyday, how the people were all the same in a way. in the real world everything is so suffocating, no one really wants a mentally ill person in their friend group or working at their establishment. they want someone who pretends not to be. i’m so exhausted
i can’t even be bothered anymore i feel so empty i just wanna make a pact and smoke and bite the bullet. whenever i look for forums they are all dumb as fuck and feel patronizing or like they are constantly trying to fix me, i just want to vent without some fucker in the comments like “i’m so sorry you feel like this :(( it gets better!!” i’m so bored of dealing with people and doing what i have to do to get others to leave me alone. I just wanna melt into the floor and become the earth below me. anyway goodnight!
There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.
I have thought about not existing as long as i have been alive. My very first memory is of doing something to upset my sister and mom. They were my entire world. I hurt them. I thought i am a bad little girl. Don’t remember what i did but i know i did it on purpose. My punishment was being sent to my room. I thought to myself i wanted to die but i took it further. I did not want to die and go to hell cuz pain. Or die and go to heaven cuz not worthy. I just wanted to not exist, like […]
To: Sister with a flower in the head
You are really greedy huh? You have been living well, have many friends, have lovely boyfriend, have your youth life without studying, hang out friends, eating good food, top three doctor college, but still you said you are jealous of me…
You said its not enough and you still need 1% of my happiness. How can you be so cruel as a sister huh? You want to play music like me, you want to be loved by parents like me, like me, like me, like im living with the best live more than yours.
Everyone can see even […]
What’s on your mind, bud? Talk to me.
I know you came on this website to see what people have to say, to see if you can leave any comments. And I also know that you want to leave comments on people to help them with the shit they’re going through.
SCREW THAT. THAT’S NOT WHY YOU’RE HERE. YOU’RE HERE BECAUSE YOU NEED HELP, YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO’LL LISTEN.
I WILL LISTEN.
Leave a comment, let’s talk. I’ll listen. No judgement, no problem-solving (unless you want it). I’ll try my best to understand, I’ll try my best to here you until you’re through, and most importantly I WILL NOT LEAVE […]
Burden. Inconvenience. Deadweight. Those are the words I’d describe myself as lately. I’ve taken a month break from any contacts to my friends. And guess what.? No one fucking missed me…
I’ve received a ‘hey’ from two people and that was it, they didn’t try again. They simply didn’t notice. They simply didn’t care. It was hard for me, I’m a very affectionate person. I didn’t want to let myself get dragged down by that though. So what, if I’m the person that keeps the contact going right.? Wrong. Super duper wrong.
Just everyone that comes along bails on me, I don’t understand why… I […]
So I guess I’m having a crisis over art and gender. Idk my art style anymore and anything a draw/make isn’t good enough. It’s kinda stressing me out because art has been the one thing I could rely on. Idk. Also I’ve been feeling some derealization? Idk. It’s like nothing feels like it’s real but it’s not like the classic derealization/depersonalization/dissociation that psychologists know. Idk. But the derealization feels a lot like what I previously described as dysphoria so now I’m like what if I’m not actually nonbinary. Idk. bit stressed and overwhelmed and I feel like I should die? idk. Logically I know I […]
Every day its the same thing, a deep pain inside of me that pushes me to have no motivation or will to live. It just keeps getting harder. All the people in my town are stuck up and have huge egos. No one ever cares. It is so hard to live in a world where everyone can just betray and ridicule me. I don’t want to be on this planet but I don’t want to be selfish either. No one understands how much they hurt me and they continue to step all over me. One day I will believe things are getting better and be […]
How do you see your life? Be honest, not to me, but to yourself. Close your eyes, take a deep breath and just think. These thoughts are something you never have to share, and might alter your viewpoint on the world slightly. But, maybe not. I’m just curious how we’ve evolved to a world of depression and suicide. For anyone reading this, they have something. Access to a computer, a smart-phone or a tablet what have you. The ability to read English and thus more-than likely write it. For some this is a blessing, a privilege that a majority of the world can’t say they […]
I don’t know what to do anymore. I feel like an idiot but I’m honestly hanging by a thread and at this point I’m just looking for some sign that this isn’t all pointless and that I’m actually going to be okay. Everybody has told me it’ll get better for years. It’s only gotten worse and worse so I feel desperate and stupid. I hate depression. I’m so tired of being in pain every day from something I can’t even control. It physically hurts my heart at this point, it’s so powerful. I just want it to stop. What’s the point in any of this? […]
i cannot ascertain, fathom, or comprehend any aspect. This singular existence forces me into an infinitely internal personality, i find myself within to the extent i am not within.
in my self i lose my self.
the intentional anitmony, contrived. it’sallasymptomatthispoint
So today my idiotic super religious nut job mom accused me of bullshit i I didn’t do again. And same as always sge didnt let ne me explain anything to her. She just went on and about How Gawd isnt going to bless me because im a lair and I need to get right and blah blah. Which to me is fucking hypocritical coming from this *****, she beat me with a belt naked all the time when i was young over bullshit i didnt do or because i bought home a bad grade. Now that im to old for her to hurt physically she […]
Well, i’m still alive.
Spent 15 years trying to kill myself. spent 3 in recovery.
it got better, for a time.
But any day would still be a good day to die.
i live risky. ride a motorbike, pass on curves n hills i cant see the end of, that kinda thing.
i wish it would be a mater of time but it wont be.
i’m doomed to live here for the rest of my miserable life.
i lived a shitty existence, i was a piece of shit for 20 years… now i have to spend the rest of this garbage life making up for it.
i feel like i’m walking through a […]
Explain this to me,
You post on your story that you want someone to talk to
But when I ask if you do,
You tell me you can’t
You tell me you love me
I wonder if you really do
Please just tell me the truth
I wish you the best, and I really do love you, but I don’t know if you love me back
Please just open up to me
I want you to be happy, but I can’t force you to, I think I’m going to crack
Wow, just wow. I’ve been doing better without any friends but it was really hard in the beginning. So after a week I check my messages: 0 Just why do I care so much…? When you’re someone, that has so much affection to give, what the hell do you do.? Seems like, everyone who’s not depressed, is just not much of a friend these days. Oh, to be 16 again and have a bunch of depressed friends and they have so much free time, you could actually form a ball of clay and stick together for forever. Loneliness is no joke…
Dont cry
You dont have right to cry
Oh why
Because you already know but you only asking why
Just try
I am enough with all these try
Ill die
Just shut up and let me die
I HATE YOU
THIS ME
THIS FAMILY
THIS WORLD
Have you ever kept the seriousness of your mental state to yourself.? Just to finally open up to a person and they’re not being understanding whatsoever.? Yeah, well. That happened to me tonight.
It’s night and I’m miserable. I’ve told my friend, that they have not been there at all, when I needed them to be. And I understand, that they are busy and I’ve been ever so patient. But it only goes so far, you know.? I’ve been feeling extremely lonely lately. I’ve just slept 18 hours straight. I’ve reached out to many people, just to get nothing back in return. Isn’t that already […]
At this point, the glass isn’t half empty or half full, the glass is shattered and the pieces are embedded deep in my flesh. I have final “insurance” if you will, I’m just waiting for the right time to use it. I’ve practiced over and over. It’s not a matter of if I choose to make my exit, but when. And oddly enough, having a surefire “insurance” policy helps me through the bad moments, the mere knowledge that I can reliably end it when I choose to do so, when the time comes, is almost enough to bring me peace. I’m playing a sick game […]