The question seems to be how to cause myself minimal suffering while I’m still here. This is a problem. My entire psychology seems to be tailored toward self-aggravation. To seeking out the things I want but can’t have, so I can feel good and miserable about it. To search for reminders of the acts I feel the most guilt for. To wallowing in my complete isolation.

Life is not good for me. Living is not good. Experiencing the world through the prism of this mind generates needless unhappiness. It would be better if I could spend most of each day unconscious. Wake up every now and […]

Imaginary exercises, running without stopping

i am ruined.  i am disgusting.  i am used.  i am repulsive.  i am unclean.  i am filthy.  i am tainted.

disgusting.

i don’t really know why i feel like this website is a good place to talk about it and i don’t know what i wanna get out of it, but overall i’ve found myself feeling empty and numb in my everyday life,i could have fun hanging out with friends on the rare occasion i see them but the second they aren’t around i’m back to feeling empty and extremely lonely again. i’m not sure that i want to kill myself but i don’t want to be around, everything is so much effort and i know if my circumstances changed then i would probably be fine […]

I am 1/3 through. If this was a marathon, I would be limping. My chest hurts, most of the time my stomach hurts, and my sleep is inconsistent. The medication’s side effects are taking their toll. They make me nauseous, which doesn’t help my anxiety. My anxiety already makes me want to throw up. The sleep problem happened before I started taking my medication, but I think it’s also screwing it up. I just started taking the full dosage this past friday. My doctor told me to talk only half the first week due to being off […]

This is a nothing post.  I have no point here.  I am dealing with borderline over the top anxiety today, and as usual, am alone, so I am talking to the world through my fucking keyboard.  I’ve been on lithium and mirtazipine since April, and I think I’m having a reaction to it.  I just upped the lithium at the beginning of May, and have been dealing with anxiety that is more than just coincidental.  I am going to titrate off the mirtazipine gradually, and am planning to begin experimenting with broad spectrum cbd as an anxiety treatment.  I’ve used full spectrum cbd and smoked […]

Ugh I’m probably just annoying this person I’m talking to online, and another I’m talking to online, and my online friend. I seem to have pretty similar views on society as one of them though.
I want to go. I sound like a broken record. Everything is completely pointless. I like mum, I don’t really care about much else. I wish I had never been born.

I don’t like how society is anyway. It doesn’t help that I’m a mess.
More often I see people posting about on various sites things like: “we slave ourselves our whole lives and then we die”
“society tells us to […]

I thought alcohol was a cure to my social anxiety and at first everything was fine. It felt good. It felt really good. I felt like I could finally socialize normally like a normal person and I was. However it got to a point eventually where it started turning me into something that I wasn’t. I began hurting people without even realizing it. I lost myself. It’s like I wasn’t even me anymore. Everything about me eventually changed. I just drank so much and so consistently. I would wake up every morning and go straight to the corner store and purchase alcohol. I would drink […]

the memory of what you did to me makes me feel disgusting
you ruined me
im filthy
i will never be clean

I hate being shamed for the last resort, that I could think of. It’s not right. Most people get weird about selfharm. It’s what someone does, when a walk or ten different distractions didn’t help. I didn’t know what else to do. I couldn’t let yet another day go by, without leaving a trace of it feeling just horrible.

Nothing extraordinary happened to me today. Maybe it never did. But there’s days that are harder to come by and I don’t know why. I wake up and I already get a sense, on how it’ll play out that day. I’m usually right.

“It’s going to be a […]

I’ve had two ECT treatments now.  I don’t feel much different.  Just tired and my memory seems sluggish.  Especially recent things.  Maybe that is the idea, forget who I am.

I been trying really hard to change myself. Maybe to always find that one reason to keep going. Even though i havent responded. I read all the comments people give for feedback. I appreciate it all. Especially the goodness and wisdom ya’ll share. Well 2021 turns to be the year I’m facing legal trouble. I been holding a job the last 3 months. So yay me! I always been a job hopper or dont last long. So, being able to stay at a job is an improvement. I just need way better money management skills and live below my means which make me feel […]

So about four years ago I was In a pretty bad place mentally. I figured out my mom was stealing money from me and I just snapped. As a result I have done some terrible things that I should be punished for but I am living in hell! My rights are being ignored, I have experienced humiliation on a large scale and people are constantly laughing at me and verbally abusing me my every waking hour. I can’t avoid or escape my torment so I have just accepted it. Like I said I have done some bad things but I don’t think anyone deserves this! […]

I wouldn’t mind this…
Knowing that my ex is going after married women is a great birthday present (sarcasm).
Someone told me. I’m better off not knowing about it. I’m not really surprised but idk… I think going after married people is sleazy (unless they somehow all agreed to polyamory).

It would be easy to think that I’ve dodged a bullet. Women going after married men are just as bad.

But yeah. Happy death day more like it. I plead for this suffering to end (not only because of my ex).
If you are somehow a regular reader of my posts (I’m sorry if anyone reads them) […]

I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die I wanna die help help help please please please please anyone anyone nothing hurts anymore I feel kinda free help me

Trigger warning for self-harm.

So. As the title says, it happened again. I did harm to myself. And… somehow I don’t know why. No. I do know why.

I did it out of some stupid reason, not even worth being mentioned, but it’s so weird. I knew I didn’t stop, no matter how often I said I did. I never actually stopped and I don’t think that will be the case in the near future. So it will continue.

It will continue? Is it even a real solution? I mean, it’s not. It’s not a solution to my problems to self-harm as soon as they occure because I […]

i would love to first start off with my appreciation for this Website, no matter the good or the bad side doesn’t matter either way. All of us are here with situations/issues any type of motive you might say behind our pain, problems, suffering. We come here to heal and cope with our daily life experience we live in. I have to give my thanks to those who reached out to me. And also the stories I have read here. It was an eye opener for me in many ways. I always come here when I’m at my weakest point. I don’t like way this […]