Why do you cut?

To feel pain. I hate myself. I deserve it. I shouldn’t be alive.

Why do you drink/smoke up?

To stop feeling. The pain hurts too much.

Getting lost in the music….

i’m going to scream all i’ve been doing for the past three days (between meltdowns+panic attacks) is scrubbing and cleaning to prepare for my partner’s birthday (because only three days ago he told me that we are hosting the party instead of having it at H’s house like usual) and it’s been physically exhausting and sensory hell and i’ve been perpetually soaked in filthy water.

usually i get up and then 2 or 3 hours later he wakes up but H is picking the both of us up an hour before i usually get up which means i’ll need to wake him up before she comes […]

I hate being awake I hate being asleep I hate being tired I hate eating I hate not eating I hate sweating I hate being wet I hate being damp I hate being dirty enough to taste it on my hands I hate being dirty enough to get another infection I hate not cutting I hate being caught cutting I hate when people talk to me I hate when people talk about me I hate when people see me I hate when people think of me I hate it when I can’t draw I hate when I can draw but the drawing ends up looking […]

Yes,   I am still here.     I can say I do not want to be here but I am not referring to the hospital.   I still want to disappear from it all.  Thus it is best I am here as I am trying to keep promises.

I did get some positive news today and that is they found a facility to where I can transfer and receive some extended treatment (up to 30 days) Right now I am just in the psychiatric unit of the county hospital with detox and patients with other issues.   While I do meet with the Dr and they do have some […]

I haven’t thought about this site in awhile. I stumbled upon it when I was actively suicidal years ago, and I spent a long time searching for my old post I made when I was feeling awful. I hated myself. Deeply hated myself. And when I was looking at all of the other posts while searching for mine, I realized, “dear God, I could have written any one of these.” Everything that you all say sounds so familiar… it’s just been a long time since I’ve believed it.

I decided to stay alive. I decided to give life a chance. I was hospitalized. I got put […]

Hey my friends ! I really wanna know how everybody’s doing. What’s something that made you laugh this past week? Did you run into an old acquaintance? How is life right now ?

Last night was interesting, something happened with my husband and he got up to asking me what was wrong and doing the whole, “what did I (he) do” thing, which drives me insane, I’ve told him 1,000 times that it’s not him. Anyways, all words just get caught in my throat when I’m in an emotionally charged state so I just sent him a text since my voice was lost, the intended message was apparently a little vague. Rather than what was actually going through my head, he read it as me wanting to commit suicide, it makes sense since this is something […]

I only get these thoughts and I keep them to myself. I always have since my last attempt ruined me. I just wish life was easier, I have a loving partner currently after leaving a toxic ex. I am productive, I help my family, I care for them and do my best. But everything feels so burdensome. Even when I’m with the love of my life, I feel exhausted, I want to run away. I often feel like I am being forced into a role I don’t belong. And it’s one I can not escape.

Guess i couldn’t really hold out for long. Been a on your here for 4 years… Im In Extreme pain mental/soulful like it hurts. To the point Of where im numb to it… Than empty.. sigh…. This cycle is Horrendous. Imagine feeling this way 24/7… Tired of all the fake shii of society. Nothing seems real to me.. hope im courageous & committed to do it… If you’ve read this far.. much love & appreciated.. stay well

My anger is making me sick. I can feel it in my stomach and in my chest. All my hatred and rage about everything is making me sick. I’m so sick I want to throw up. Everything is making me angry. All the little noises and twitches are making me angry. I feel so sick.

I think i might suffer from ptsd And my relationship with my father is pretty bad. We’ve never been really close especially after some events that happened in my childhood. Long story short, verbal and physical abuse. He even used to beat my cat. At best, he would totally ignore my existence, greeting everyone on the table except me, at worst call me a dog in front of guests, whispering that i was digusting. I was pretty badly beaten by my sibling n he n my mum would make me apologize everytime that happened. It was pretty rough man. Sometimes i wonder how i made […]

I signed myself into the hospital to keep a promise to my wife that I would not follow my plan to disappear (That is the expected result of my death).  Each day hear the desire for that has gotten stronger.    I have attended groups.  listened to counselors and been open to options for longer term in patient care.  Each thing that seams to look promising is evaporating still.   It is like I am playing against a stacked deck of cards.   No way will I win nor no way will I get better.    I know someone will say “Things Get Better” and they do, […]

yep, no question about it now. im an alcoholic. “hubbys not in the room hurry take a drink” and the next thing i know the liter i bought last weekend for this weekend is gone. oops? is it a lot, not really. however lets keep in mind that i cant drink freely. which brings on the next question, how much would i drink if i was able to/alone? idk, most likely more. i hate living, everything about living is working against me and not feeling anymore is a god sent. i hate life. it doesnt even help

Anyone else know this feeling? And I’m never going to see them again

I think it really comes down to how petty I feel being dissatisfied. I really want to, because I’ve been trained to since birth, give myself a pep talk that will get me up and swinging again. It’s a huge reflex, but I recoil at the thought of it. _I don’t want to get up!_ Seriously there’s no point. All these things are meant to make a person submissive. Pay your bills, barely touch your debt, fix your belongings. The rest of them seem quite entertained. Must be nice! Then again, clearly I don’t think it’s nice, I think it’s rather a cruel thing to […]

Still writing these from the hospital.    Part of me wants to be humourous and say Psych Ward, Loony Bin, Funny Farm,  or some other slang for mental health facility but I use humour as a defense and maybe it is time to let all those defenses down for the moment.

I had a consult with a facility that specializes in treating depressive disorders like I have.    The Caseworker from this hospital had gotten this started and had even found out a bed was available.  She had done good work getting it that far.

Well, 5 minutes into the consult they told me because I have […]

So I emailed them yesterday “im out of meds tomorrow”. So I called them this morning. “yep I got your email I’ll fax that out just call the pharmacy tomorrow.”

No you’re not understanding in OUT TODAY!!!!! I don’t have any meds left!!! So help me God if the voices come back I am raising all holy hell!!!!

(deep breath) I just got off the phone with the pharmacist. “I can refill it for you.” for an additional fee. However they also informed me that this medication should stay in my system for 3 days so deep breath I should be fine. I’m calling back tomorrow to […]

Steps:

 try to be brave and if you try you will be brave!
chase your dreams! quit your old job and find one that you will love
don’t use things you don’t need. lowering the bills will lower stress
find happiness in your children. your children will be your legacy, so find happiness in them
be successful. many steps and much work you go through. but once your successful you will have a happy life

just found out my babushka (grandma) has cancer.

its absolutely ruining me and i don’t have anyone to cry to about it. she’s in hospital currently and I’m sitting at her dining table with her cat, i haven’t drank alone in a long time and i hate that this is the reason i am. I’m crying so much i feel like I’m gonna throw up. she was already in hospital for an infection and needing extra care, she wasn’t able to look after herself or even walk; now that we know about the cancer i can’t see her getting any better. i was already worried about […]