is anybody here more tired than me?

Hey there lovely fellas, I’m new 😀

Cuz well, to be honest I don’t know what to do any more, where to go and … I don’t know, exist?
I’ve been struggling with sadness (maybe depression but I have no idea actually), anxiety, panic, self-loathing and some other minor issues for several years; last year had a bit of an up as I was in another country; new environment, new start, but this year’s been a hell of a down. Mostly due to Corona I suppose, thanks for that, you damn virus. Also I’ve lost the one I’ve been holding on to, my anchor basically you […]

I feel like we idolize life to be this perfect thing. That it has to feel like a scripted movie or we are not satisfied. I constantly go back and forth of thinking that I expect too much or I am not doing enough. I crave this connection with people. You know when you meet someone and all the emotions and sentences seems to flow so  easily. That spark of connection with a human where you can feel the comfort and urge to want to know more. I’ve come so far from my depression and have tried not to relapse in my mental health. I […]

Days go by and you can notice how it is approaching, every day a little bit more, and you just pretend nothing happens. Day after day, night after night you see the storm getting near and you stay, after all the fear is gone. What are you waiting for?? RUN!!! Cover yourself, run as fast as you can, it’s not possible to win. You could ask for help, but the feeling is somewhat familiar, in fact you know it all too well and you just stare, expecting it will slowly absorb you…. no hunger at all, an insomniac state, cold you can’t shiver away, a […]

all of my rules and shit just because i have anxieties. i know im just scared of losing him but this really isnt fair to him. i hate myself

I can’t keep up with my own self my own feelings my own needs and my own mistakes. I was born in a different country from my wishes. I can’t figure if I believe in god or not while am from a Muslim family and I drink and I lost my virginity and I smoke and do everything I was raised not to do. I even tried gay sex and I have to say I never enjoyed any of them even alit bit. I even thought am asexual but I get excited about sex but I don’t enjoy it when I do it… I feel […]

i remember the way i felt when i was younger, i remember how i would feel when i would go on family trips or go to the toy store. in that moment i felt alive. lately my life has seemed bleak and empty, i mean it has felt this way for a while but usually some moments in life tend to mask that feeling. i feel like i am just a shell of a person and that i don’t matter to anyone, whenever people say i matter i know that’s just bullshit because if i did people would check up on me, people would call […]

I finally found something im passionate about, something that keeps me sane, keeps the bad thought away. i found something in gardening that put me at peace. gave me the motivation to wake up and look forward to something. some may not understand this, but it is my therapy. and today my father said, “you tell us every time theres a new leaf, every little thing.” and to me that was a real big slap in the face with a “we dont care, shut up.” I dont understand why cant anyone just be happy for me. all day i sit there and i listen to […]

I’m bored and tired of my life

My guess is that I’m not ending my life because of a combination of survival instinct, fear of something worse beyond death (hell etc.), and attachment to personal experience (memories.) It’s highly questionable whether that’s the best choice for me, but it seems like it’s at least less likely to devastate my family.

Which leaves me with the question of what to do while I’m still here, besides preparing my exit. I don’t know if I should attempt to pursue anything in this life. It seems wrong to involve myself in the lives of anyone else. I’m honestly a repulsive person (believe me, if you knew […]

There’s a world of a difference between not wanting to be alive and wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself. I spend my days oscillating between the first two. My heart goes out to those who actually do want to kill themselves. I couldn’t imagine harbouring something that intense every day. There’s something so inherently violent in it, so shocking and silencing.

I don’t really hate myself that much, honestly. I can’t hate myself that much, because I still think I’m better than most everybody else. As much as I find it hard to find a point to my life, I wouldn’t wish to have […]

Petals wilt,
weighed down
by guilt.

Tears will shed,
petals will soon
be all dead.

I’m just as dead as the flowers.
Quick to bloom,
yet quick to enter the tomb.

I think I’ll die almost as fast as the flowers.

Day by day it is getting worse. And I mean it. I don’t have anywhere to go, escape, relieve. I am all alone in family, crowd and this world. I know this sounds cliche, but it’s the objective truth.

I really do not want to cease my existence, but I have no more options, the pain is unbearable. Bottling it up drives me crazy. I am screaming internally in my heart, no one hears.

I know this is vague but I needed to vent a little bit..

I made it though all my obligations. I don’t have to stay anymore to finish anything. It’s like this huge relief to not have something going on outside of normal work and home stuff: Too bad I hate one of those and fail at them both.
I’m ready, but I’m holding on to a last thread. I’m basically just waiting for the right feeling at this point as nothing is holding me back. I have my plan and method is ready, I just need the right time to just disappear.

I don’t want anything.
“You broke me” but you are a concept, in the end i did this to myself and I deserve every bit of it.

and you, you typing this, you know how everything went down yet you kept on playing the victim, you don’t deserve anything and you know it, not a thing. They didn’t broke you, nobody broke you, it’s just the consequences of you being alive.

what the fuck was I born for? All I did in my life was to ruin things, everything, I fucked up everything, if I was never born none of this would happen, none of me would […]

At my sister’s 11th birthday party, she invited all of her friends to this place where you could bake a cake with fancy equipment. And she is an outgoing person, so there were 15-20 people there along with our extended family.
I had a mental breakdown in the parking lot, just complete and utter depression. When my parents got me to come inside, I locked myself in the bathroom so I wouldn’t embarrass my sister. My mom thought I was trying to kill myself again, so she got the people to unlock it and then wouldn’t let me go back in. So I spent the […]

maybe im scared to be with you because i dont want to ruin the last thing i have.
maybe i push you away because im scared of losing you.

im sorry im not good enough. you deserve so much better. someone that isnt me. someone that isnt drinking, smokin up and talking to other guys behind your back. you deserve someone that will make you happy. im sorry thats not me. all i do is disappoint you.

There is no excerpt because this is a protected post.

Positive & optimistic people are often naive, ignorant, & simple-minded when they keep believing that anyone can be a winner in this society/life/world/existence. But if only they got their head out of their asses, and wake up & look at the reality just all around them everyday. Then people will see that there are poor & rich, sick & healthy, success & failures, sad & happy, blessed & depressed, the lucky/fortunate & the unlucky/unfortunate, and obviously there are winners & losers (or success .vs. failures).

Not everyone can be a winner. Not everyone can become number one, no matter how much even if people hope/wish/pray or […]

I’m scared out of my wits most of nowadays, feeling like sneaky mouse surrounded by giants. That’s my place in the world and I’m scared of evrything, of men and women stronger than me, smarter than me, better looking, wittier, more successful one way or another, kinder or morally superior to me.
I realize now how little I understand the world. I’m like a human with a chimp’s mind, worthy only of condescending pity.
I just don’t know what to believe/disbelieve anymore. It’s beyond me to deal with reality. And what is reality btw? Everything is supernatural so far as I can see because I’m […]