It’s hard when the only thing that you truly long for is to disappear, to just not be. This option is not open to me, although it’s a sweet dream I know I won’t take that road. I can’t. I wish I could. I’m not scared, not afraid I’d fail or afraid of what comes after or anything. I’m not free to do it. I can’t get myself to ignore what it would do to those who know me, to my family. No one is close but the distance only brings more pain and questions when someone disappears. It would crush my dad. Those who […]
Tag:
nothing
It’s been a while. Things were going alright. Had a lot saved up. Then everything went to shit all at once. So as people who have read my posts in the past know, my life was almost… good. After years and years of torment, struggling and finding inner strength I didn’t know I had.
Story time. My ex (not my ex fiance), who will remain unnamed, ran into me at college along with her husband and her kid. They were excited to see me as we had remained good friends, and hadn’t seen each other in quite a few years. I was invited to their apartment […]
Its been a while since I have smiled and actually meant it. It had been so long since I smiled, it hurt to smile for at least 10 seconds. Now my face hurts. It feels great to smile, but now it hurts. I’ve missed smiling, and laughing. It felt like I was actually alive for once. Why don’t I smile anymore, oh right, because there is nothing worth a smile for. But today it happened. But by tomorrow it’s back to how it was before.
I do not know what to do, what to think. I truly do believe that my husband does not want me around anymore even though he tries to make fighting arguments that he loves me and that he wants me to be here. I am having by far the worst time in my life and he can’t even be there how he used to be. He used to be so patient. Do entirely blame him for it though. He has gone through a lot with me in the last almost 4 years of being together, a year and a half of being married and 11 […]
My epic began in the very early hours of Tuesday, January 20th, 2015. My best friend of thirteen years made it 43 minutes into the twentieth day of January before she committed suicide. Journeying back a few months, she and I had a falling out due to her girlfriend. In short, her girlfriend would text me through her phone and convinced me not to be friends anymore. Through that year, I lost every other friend I had. I was dating a guy at the time for over two years but that fell apart. In the end, he told me her death was my fault and […]
I just called my insurance company… but I had a strange connection with the operator that answered. He made me feel a million times better. We were laughing and joking for like 10 minutes and he was actually a bit unprofessional and he kept saying how unprofessional he was being. It was cute. It was nice. Is it weird that I almost wanted to tell him to call me? Is it desperate? Have I reached that point where I’m desperate? lol. I’m not going to be modest, it’s not as if I can’t find a man if I want it, but it’s hard to find someone with my […]
Holy fuck, where to start.
Today was weird. I just kind of went with it. I didn’t imagine that anything like today would happen ever again. You’re so much different than the last time. Each time I see you, you change a little bi more. You’re, different.
I can feel the positivity burst from you. Holy shit, overwhelming. We barely spoke but It wasn’t needed. We caught up with each other today. I hope that I don’t affect anything for you again. But I can’t promise something that I don’t know if I can keep.
You look a lot better than before, healthier. You present yourself totally different. […]
What has changed from a year ago when I starting to be suicidal again nothing apart from me starting to act on it I should have done it a year ago just prolonged my pain and suffering so what is if nothing changes by next year that would be two years of suffering and u happiness would be ideal to swollow something and sleep forever but that ain’t going to happen I need a better method or the courage to follow though with a method I’m not keen on who knows time will tell I guess
il put my email here if anyone what’s to chat […]
I seem to meet, know or find the people who suffer the most. And why me, when I have nothing and can do nothing to help? An old friend of mine has been through a lot of hell in his life. He just found out through his dad admitting it, that his dad beat and kicked his mom while she was pregnant to try to kill him as a baby. And that’s why he never had his parents in his life. They hated him from the start. And he thought he had just reconnected with his mom, but I guess she was faking it because […]
Nobody knows that I suffer from depression. I walk and talk with a smile, confidently and securely. But I ache. With each step that I take, it’s like the ground pushes back on my feet, sends a vibration up my body til my teeth shake and I bite my tongue. I bite my tongue to not cry. To not scream. To not die. I hate my skin and yet I love it. Why do I lotion it? What does it even matter to a body that doesn’t want to live? I wake up and I eat. What does eating matter to a stomach that doesn’t […]
Do I deserve this terror-ible life?
Not just terrible, terror-ible.
I feel like I deserve more than what I am today.
Here are a few key factors to me, my personality, my life.
1. I took many online tests, all of them says I am a good person.
2. I almost never lie, and I’m also not lying when I say this.
3. I only cheated in school tests 2 times. And I regret.
4. I am 9.
5. I think I am gifted: I can do the rotate leg clockwise and write 6 with index finger in the air thing and not change direction, I’m one of the few people who can […]
I can’t keep up with this anymore. So much chaos, I feel like I can’t breathe. I bit off more than I can chew, and it’s breaking my jaw. The joints about to hang from nothing but tissue. Like a loosened door hinge. I can’t take it. I can’t keep up. I’m trying so damned hard to be the person everyone wants. Everyone needs. But I can’t. I need to try to get myself better. It may seem like these past few days have been ok, but they are not. I’m not fucking ok, o.k.?I haven’t recovered magically, this tragedy I am stuck in has […]
I was with someone 7 months ago. We had been together for 6 yrs. She has 2 children from a previous marriage. Our relationship was just a big fantasy I now see.
I come from a poor family and what little help my parents imparted to me just wasn’t enough to get me somewhere. I have no skills or anything and my future is bleak.
My ex on the other hand has had everything handed to her in life. She has had money and opportunities. All through our relationship she was living her dream. I see that I was just some kind of visitor in her life. […]
I’m so sorry for being a terrible person.
I will never be a doctor.
I would make an awful husband and father.
I regent putting everyone though hell.
Thank you Mom for always being there for me, please forgive me.
I’m sorry Katie for all the harassment I inflicted upon you and your friends.
I’m a coward for doing this.
I deserve nothing more then to be Satin’s *****
God let my condemnation provide justice for all my victims
So…
I am thinking, and searching on Google about it. And it feels good doing so because then everything becomes bearable: being scared of my future, being alone, being tired. I am thinking of staying on bed all day. I am sucking bigtime on my work and on my classes. I am trying and trying. But at the end nothing is working against my depression.
I am on therapy and on classes on how to deal with things. I am here. I called people and tried exercising. Tried being positive and living in present time. That’s what I am working on right now. But if I could […]
Trying to come up with a post, or a comment, it’s so difficult. I got nothing. Here’s a song. Whatever.
I never thought I’d feel sick to my stomach with anger and dread, not wanting to go in to work. This has been the first full year that I’ve worked through a job, so I’ve never experienced anything like this before. And it’s the same thing I’ve heard my mom complain about why she absolutely loathes working. It’s because there’s always got to be some insufferable ***** there who makes everyone miserable!
So here’s what happened. The boss has been gone over a month now because she’s moving to another state. She’s supposed to be back at some point to tie up loose ends before she’s […]
Is there anyone who can keep me company?
I’m at the hospital following a failed attempt with nothing to do. I’m bored stiff.
There are basically 2 kinds of people: Those who are satisfied, fulfilled, at peace with life and eventual death. They cruise through whatever bumps, minor or large, that life throws at them. Through it all they have strength and resolve to go on with life, good or bad. They find or are handed success and somehow they get to live full lives with intimate relationships and lots of good times.
Then there are the others. The ones like me. We never fit in.
We seem to carry pain around with us. Life never really feels “right”. We have more questions and anxiety than our counter parts. Finances, […]
I’m not going to mention the username of the person this message is for, but they will know it’s for them and that’s what matters.
My dear friend
I scan the entries on SP expecting to see a final post from you or from someone posting that you’re gone. I no longer visit SP as often as I did because I’m scared of what I’ll see. I look to see what you’re saying in your responses to others to see how you are.
When you emailed to say you might be leaving soon, I responded that it was best I said nothing. If I say “ok, […]