I Don’t Know What to Do Anymore

It’s been a long time since I was last here.  About a year and half, to be exact.  I thought I was really getting better but in the last few months, everything seems to be spiraling down again.  I’ve read that it’s therapeutic to write about it, so hopefully this will help me.

In July, my boyfriend of seven months, Alex, broke up with me.  He was everything I had wanted in a person and I woke up everyday with an overwhelming amount of happiness that I thought the years of suicidal thoughts and depression were finally leaving my mind.

If only I knew how wrong I was.

In the month of July, I was having an episode, for lack of a better phrase.  I’m able to keep my emotions in check for a while, but after some time and the right buttons being pushed, I break down.  In July, I was struggling to keep up with my karate work as my black belt test was weighing heavily on my mind (still is since the test is on Halloween >^<) My friend, Skyler, was also having trouble in his life because his then girlfriend, Lily, was attempting suicide on almost a daily basis and he came to me for help that I wish I could have provided.  There was so much going on in my life and I was so stressed that I was in the midst of a breakdown.  I kept reaching out to Alex through email since that was the only way we could communicate, but he wouldn’t respond.  For ten days, I was struggling to keep myself happy and focused on what I needed to do that day and no one was there to keep me stable, not even the one that promised to make sure I was always happy.

Once I was finally stable again, everything changed.  Alex finally replied to my messages and I was so happy until I read it.

“‘I’m sorry, but I’m breaking up with you.  Sorry I can’t do it in person, for now email will have to do.'”

I had a panic attack right on the spot and reached out to my friends who automatically took my side.  I sent Alex several messages but he never responded.  He never gave me a reason as to why he was doing this.  I couldn’t eat or drink anything for several days and managed to lose four pounds within a week when all I ever did was cry.

One day in the following week, I went to his house without him knowing because I needed answers.  He talked to me like nothing had happened and seemed to undermine what I was going through.  I asked him why and he said that he wanted to work on himself so that he could be a better son to his parents and that it wasn’t my fault.  I also asked him if he got my messages and he said that he got them as they came, but he didn’t know why he didn’t respond.  His brother later told me that in that time, he was just playing video games all day, everyday as usual.

I left his house feeling much better that it wasn’t my fault and that there may have been a chance that we could have gotten back together.

When I got home however, he had messaged me.  He told me that we shouldn’t talk to each other anymore because it was obvious that I didn’t know we were broken up yet and that he was too young for a relationship and he didn’t want to get too attached to me.  With that, I was back to being a depressed mess locked up in my room.

In the days leading up to school, I found some happiness, but, out of sight, out of mind.

When I saw him at school on the first day, I felt my anxiety skyrocket.  Everytime I see him, I shake and my stomach turns like I’m about to vomit.  We don’t speak to each other, but seeing him gives me small tremors of a panic attack.

I started to get used to his presence until mid September.  When I got home one day, he messaged me for the first time to say that he wanted to let me know that he had a crush on one of my best friends.  After telling me that he was too young for a relationship two months after dumping me, he had the balls to tell me that he had a thing for one of my best friends?  That was really the first thing he was going to say to me after we broke up?

My happiness got shot to hell once more and he seems happier at school while I’m a broken up mess.  Whenever I’m near him, I have this feeling like I want him to suffer because of unfair this is to me.  He got to leave clean while I have to figure out what to do and where to go from here.  He was my first boyfriend and I cared deeply about him and he cared deeply about me.  I really want to know what happened during those ten days he left me by myself that made him not want to be with me but he won’t say anything to anyone.

I’ve always been left alone by others and been beaten down physically and mentally.  I thought I finally found something with him and there wasn’t anything leading up to it that gave me a clear sign things were ending.  It just happened.  Now, I feel like he’s going to find someone and be happy and break their heart while I’m stuck here to be alone forever.  I have no desire to be with Alex, but I want to be with someone who was like him when things were good.  He made me feel beautiful and worth something, that I’m better than the demons I face everyday.  After leaving me, it feels like everything he said and did was a lie, but they weren’t in the moment.

I just don’t know what to do anymore.  I don’t want to suffer like this anymore.  I just want to be happy with someone.  I want someone to be happy with me.  I’m terrified that I’ll never find that.