A little deeper

It was only the first time.
I spun the blade around in my hands
contemplating if I should really do this or not.
I heard my mom yell.
Yes, I should, It’s worth it.
The blade sank into my arm,
cutting across my arm.
Not too deep.

It was only the second time.
The kids at school were bullies.
My parents just got mad.
I took the blade in my hands.
I didn’t even think about it.
I pushed it into my arm,
cutting across parallel to the last one,
A little deeper.

It was at least the 50th time.
I didn’t even have different reasons anymore.
I was just sad.
All the time.
An emptiness eating me from the inside out.
I was ready.
I took the blade to my arm,
and cut deep.
A little deeper.
But just too deep.

I look down on you all now,
wondering what I have done to myself.
I only went a little deeper.
I don’t know what happened.
I can see my mother, my classmates,
my father, my siblings.
They are all grieving, mourning…for
Me?
Since when did they care?
Oh what have I done?
This wasn’t the answer.
I shouldn’t have run.
Taking it back is impossible,
but now I know the consequenses.
For going a little deeper.
For going too deep.