I’ve put up with these painful esophageal spasms for some time. Cannot eat or drink without painful spasms, chest pain and aspiration. Been to specialists but no one has any idea what to do.
Secondly, been homeless for a year now, living in hotels, friends and my car. I’m 56 and really a battle with everyday life. Tried intimacy the other day and that didn’t work. Had been abstinate for nearly 4 years and what a let down for both of us.
I have my ‘exit bag’ ready always available in my car. Going to a different hospital today and if no answers will end […]
Category:
Chronic Pain
This one I have been thinking about quite a bit lately… Though certain things that are good happened this year. 2016 was mostly shit as far as me being emotionally, mentally and physically healthy.
It makes me wonder on why god is letting me live like this and being extremely miserable and unhappy with my life. It made think about the 3 times that I tried to take my life in the past.
The first time I was 13.. I was being severally physically and mentally bullied in school for a variety reasons by some of my classmates. It was suppose to be a prescription drug overdose.. […]
I have been struggling with depression for the last 5 years. I think I always had depression tendencies but I started a treatment 5 years ago. I remember since I was a kid I have been thinking of how to suicide. I tried to do so in 2016 and it’s still on my mind and at the moment the only thing that “motivates” me is to know that I have a bunch of pills ready to be taken with alcohol. I have studied how to do it, how pills work and react to have success. Is that crazy?
It’s funny how when people know that you […]
sick and tired. thats what i am. stupid me for breaking down at school and telling the school guidance counsellor about my plans to kill myself. right back to the psych ward is where she took me. i cant believe i cracked, i wish i didnt. now im here against my will for who knows how long. im so angry. so angry and tired of people making my hospitalisation for wanting to kill myself about them. “dont you think about your impact” yes, of course i do. but do i care? i dont. im so numb and sick of people telling me it gets better […]
Hello everyone! I am a father (non-custodial parent) of 2 boys. For the past 8 years I’ve spent fighting I. Family court to advocate for my equal parental rights, as to ensure my bond with my children….Long story short…I lost. The mother proved to be to manipulative. Its funny because the more I fought to be in my children’s life, the more she fought to keep me away. There is really no way I can at this point, classify her as a human being. I’ve had countless, never ending, suicidal/homicidal ideations and the emotional Pain I feel is beyond this world!! To describe my pain […]
I am still here.Same old me,same old sadness that takes away every atom of my energy,same old mind that tells me i am worthless ,same old mirror that shows me all my flaws .Scale still defines me ,every bite tastes like misery cos it screams :”FAT!” . I am still here and i have no f clue whats going on.
I have hit a dead end. I don’t have the strength. I have been crying recently so much, my eyes look like as if I am having an allergic reaction. In a nutshell I have authoritarian racist judgmental parents that abuse me verbally, even at the age of 19; I finally found my soulmate but instead of being happy I have doubts in my head and he can be mean sometimes; I hate myself, I have zero confidence, I believe I am worthless and that no one cares about me. For the first time ever I cut my leg twice within the past months. I […]
Don’t get me wrong had a brill day lots of family time and fab gifts, I feel bad complaining as some of you guys have spent Christmas alone or had no family to spend time with etc, but my health condition has been threatening to put me in hospital again over the last few days and I can’t stand it anymore! It feels like I’m constantly being tortured.
I planned to commit suicide after the Christmas holidays so now I just got to get through the next few days of visiting family without ending up in hospital or try ending it too soon around them just […]
Well, I almost did it. I was crossing the line before the part of me that hates me stopped me. I deleted my previous posts about my intent for suicide because I felt that they were stupid, childish, poorly written and whatever else negative the other me wanted to come up with.
Anyway, I’ve been depressed for going on 5 years now. Long story not-so-short: my parents have had a volatile, explosive, violent marriage full of mistrust, lies, paranoia. My dad is a HUGE guy. Not in the fat sense, in the could crush a train between his fingers sense. So when things got physical between […]
What if death were beautiful?
What if we knew what was on the other side of the wall that blocks us from seeing what reality is like after we die?
Or if there is a reality at all.
I wish I had the courage to part ways with this physical realm, and venture into what comes after this. I have had enough of this place, this hardship and this torture.
And sometimes I think differently. Sometimes I want to see what happens next while I’m still here, rather than what happens after I die. Life can be beautiful as well, but my own mind is the villain in a […]
It’s funny, families and friends of suicide victims always say “I wish I’d known,” or “I wish they’d said something.” But when you reach out there is no one there to take your hand. They are so consumed in their own lives to take notice of overt requests for help. I reached out, without saying specifically why I needed them here but made it obvious something was very wrong, and got back only “I can’t, I’m too busy.” Fortunately for them, I apparently have a high tolerance to Valium, muscle relaxers, narcotics, and a mix of other stuff because I still woke up this morning.
At night I turn into something else. no matter how good my day was I find a way to completely destroy it all in one single night. Im scared. Im so scared. Last night I hit and destroyed someone, again. suicide is all i can think about. I want to leave. I don’t want to live this life anymore. The more things fail the more I just realize I should kill myself. I feel like I’m running from my self but I can never get far enough. I have so many reasons. I’ve tried to kill myself with less reasons so why shouldn’t i be […]
Been very depressed. Few months ago I was called a bottom tier ****** by my fiances father. He doesn’t believe that we should be together because of my skin and social status. He also hit me and I feel so angry and low that I allowed him to get away with it. I’m a professional guy but he still doesn’t like me. I left a good job because I thought I found my dream job. But it’s been total Hell here and my boss is constantly demeaning me and making me feel stupid. I generally get along with people but she contsrantly degrades me. I […]
Sometimes I feel like smashing his face in.
I am thankful, and of course I respect and love my parents. But he has the worst temper and I fucking hate how a bad mood makes him become like a completely different person. I’ve never been close to my dad, and it’s only recently I’d decided to open up a bit more, but his shitty attitude whenever he gets annoyed really does me in.
He just takes every single wrong thing out on you, and it makes you feel worthless, useless, and just all together fucked up. The worst part is he doesn’t even realise what he’s doing, […]
God. I can’t believe I actually fooled myself into believing that I have friends again. I swore to myself that I’d never let myself fall into this pit of nightmares again, but I actually thought that I was cherished and valued by my friends. They only want me for my homework answers. I don’t blame them for using me; I undeniably deserve that much. I am just displeased/filled with an eternal rage for myself for actually thinking that it would be different this time. It’s not going to be different until I either fix myself or off myself. I can’t keep complaining like this.
No […]
The pain never ends. I take the pills I had to fight for, I use all the techniques I’ve been taught over the past 7 years since this began, I surround myself with things I love, and distract myself as best as I can.
Still, it’s there. Eating away at me, at my resolve, my very soul. I want to die because I cannot live. I couldn’t finish school, I can’t work, but I’m “not fucked up enough” to get on disability.
I’m a burden and a poison to everyone around me, no matter how much they deny it. I see the effect I have […]
I’m longing to die. Every part of my cookie cutter life is driving me crazy. I’m on the brink of killing myself, with suicide always on my mind. I wish I had to guts to act on my plans though. I keep making plans and at the last minute I just can’t do it. I hate living here. I don’t understand why I can’t just relieve myself of this pain and have it over with. I just don’t understand why I don’t have the guts to do the one thing I want most -to die
One hour till midnight
The surrounding air is cold
Two unmoving eyes peer from beneath
Frozen ripples crash and fold
Late in the frigid night
The sun will never break
My heart beats no longer
Underneath the lake
You were as morning fog
In time you disappeared
When I woke to embrace you
You were nowhere near
Blackened is the night
The sun will never break
I draw no more air
Underneath the lake
I keep calling your name out loud
Running through the snowy wood
I grow evermore fearful
I did not do all that I could
Damned be the fleeting night
The sun will never break
I shed no more tears
Underneath the lake
The end shown its wicked face
A scream was never heard
In a few hopeless […]
22 years
4 years past my personal expected life span
6 years past my second attempt to “end it all”
9 years since my 1st attempt to rid myself of the inner turmoil
22 years too long…
I am so lost and so broken
The weight of self hatred, regret and ever lasting guilt has crushed my ribs down upon my heart and lungs
Every breath feels undeserved, every thought is pushed into the depths of my mind
This is not worth it anymore
I shouldn’t hurt my family any longer with my undesired presence
I should allow them the freedom to be without my incompetence and my problems
I am so scared
Let this be the […]
I wake up with the notion that maybe you still love me. I know it’s not true. It’s been weeks, no, months, actually, I don’t even remember, it’s felt like a lifetime. Everyday without you in my life is an eternity spent in the company of misery. You were the bow to my strings, the stars to my night sky. Without you, I’m nothing. Without anything, what reason is there to stay? I remember your scars, the pattern of your iris, the smell of your hair. I remember holding you under the bright lights, crying, promising nothing could ever drive us apart. I remember the […]