General

My “doc” posted notes in an email today telling me that I am now diabetic.  This is a death sentence for those that don’t know much about it.  She seemed happy about the diagnosis, almost giddy, and decided to throw buckets of pills at me.  I told her “no, I am not interested”.  No pills or any other crap.  I am not going to spend the rest of my short and painful life taking pills and eating oatmeal and salads (gag).  This diagnosis is fine with me.  I am so done with this life.  I just want it to be over and I am too […]

Satan rules this world. Do you agree or disagree? Why or why not?

Every year this damn thing comes around. While everyone loves my birthday because it falls on the 4th of July Holiday, it’s a mixed bag for me. I once loved it, back when I was a kid and I felt like I mattered in the world. Your family makes a big deal about it. For me, I had fireworks shot off every year. So you think it’s a deal. At least until you grow up enough to realize, you don’t matter. You’re really not important. Oh…and the the fireworks, they’re not for you.

I’ve long since cared about (my) birthdays. I don’t even honestly know how […]

Do you ever just get jealous about other people’s stable lives they are leading.? Yeah. Me too.

Not a fraud, not a bastard, I just don’t know what the word is I’m really looking for. Read on to learn more!

After a long period of disconnection due to obversable negative detrimental effects, I’ve gotten back on a dating app (this one seems less shit) because I know one of the reasons I have no fucking resilience is that I lack several key things required for human happiness (as I’m sure many here do), one of which is physical and interpersonal intimacy. But something’s different from last time. In addition to the expectation that nothing will come of any of the few conversations I […]

I had a revelation. I ask myself when I’m going to die and my mind gives me this answer. I think that I will die in a car crash accident when I’ll be 41. I’m 32 now.

The last two months have been pretty alright. The final demo went fine and we got a good grade. Honestly don’t think it deserved it, but I think I will never be able to accept praise regardless of what I actually produced. I’m always going to see it as a failure, no matter what the actual reality is. Point is it’s done. I graduated and got my Bachelors. Now on to graduate school.

Forgot if I mentioned this, but I got a scholarship from a big company. Full ride. Monthly stipend that would be enough to cover […]

I finished the book. Even tho I’m glad that they got happy ending, I imagined myself in that book with quite the opposite ending. I want to end it all, but i guess this kind of gave me? hope? i dont know. I wish Roman and Aysel were real. I wish i was friends with them. I wish we all could help eachother to the point we will think that we can be fixed. I wished I was with them at the moment. I wished i had someone like them. I wish things were different.

I’m surviving on thin margins here, thinner than I realized. You don’t know how little is holding you together until it is taken away. I had a game that was helping, relaxed me, helped with focus. Now it doesn’t work, don’t know when or if it will again. Today I almost lost access to my pay for another week, and fell apart…. thin margins when 7 more days without pay is 7 too many.

I thought about killing myself today. Not in a telling other people sort of way, more in a practical get it over with way. Didn’t see that I was that close to […]

So fucking pissed off.
GD mother fucking people. I have had fucking enough. All they want to do is fuck you, play fucking real “games” and hurt you in any way they can to make you fucking miserable. Always fighting for my right to fucking exist with some fucking respect. Fucking people are evil. I have had fucking enough. No fucking good reason to keep going on like this. None. No fucking breaks in between just one continuous fucking battle after another. It’s fucking enough and all this fucking bullshit about karma. Yea okay right, may all the mother fuckers get what they deserve, but […]

I used to look at my personality as a curse. I never could bring myself to do it, and I hated that I was incapable of it. I hated that I couldn’t lie worth a damn, and kept revealing my feelings to the people I love. And that I had a single wish, to make a book that spoke of all of these feelings I had and transformed it into a positive, a strength. I wanted to let others feel hope in that darkest time, and even if its a bit conceited, its what I wanted. Its still what I want, even though I used […]

This world doesn’t want me in it. And I don’t much want to exist anymore, so we’re kind of agreed on that. There’s just the fear that’s keeping me here, and the damage that would be done to those that don’t deserve it. But I’m not really alive. I haven’t been for years now. This world holds no place for me. I don’t belong around others.  I belong in the dirt. And delaying that natural justice causes me pain. The world wants me not to exist. To return to the mulch. To be something useful again. Something innocent. My continued existence is a violation of […]

I’ve started buying things I don’t need, but the problem is right now my weekly wage shows no sign of increasing, and the value of things I buy is increasing. I feel like it’s unavoidable; soon we will have to do without most of the luxuries we used to take for granted. The upshot is I’m leveraged up to my eyes in debt, yes, my debt is the best thing about me

see, because rising inflation means wages WILL rise, or costs will decrease, and either way I can either pay off my debt more easily, or my take home pay will go further, that’s the […]

At least for some of us. This thought occurred to me some time ago. I know all about abusive relationships, and after looking up some “signs” list from resources sites,, the parallels are quite pronounced, if you look at it a certain light…a great article on au.reachout.com puts it thus:

Things you might feel in an abusive relationship
‘My partner isn’t violent all the time – they love me’

Your violent partner may act lovingly towards you at other times and may truly feel sorry for their horrible behaviour. So it might be hard to stay angry and upset with them. However, there is quite a high chance […]

I’m always trying to find a hidden message or meaning in everything I see just to somehow cheer myself up and throw out the thought of me offing myself. But nothing ever happens. I even started looking at weekly horoscop, fuck that, I tried even daily one. But nothing ever happens. Its always “blah blah your life will get better” but it never happens??? Days, weeks, months. And nothing happens. Is that the sign i was looking for? That there is nothing that would just make me stay? Just. Nothing ever happens

Going to go and see grandma tomorrow. She offered to pay for the restaurant for me. Called her a few days ago.
I’m rather nervous. I don’t even know how to be. I haven’t seen her since I was a little kid.
(I’m nearly 30 now…)

I’ll give her a little gift. Don’t know if I should but… I’ll do that. I feel so overwhelmed. I really do want to see her. I know she wants to see me too.

Why do I WORRY so much :/

Last time I helped someone important to me, talk to their friend because they wanted to take their life. I don’t even know that person so well. I won’t share details out of respect. I talked from a standpoint where I understand what it’s like and not pretend to find reasons everything is great.

Well, today I am in fact having a hard time, my mind is racing, I reached out to so many hands and no one took 5 minutes out of their day, to talk to me. So I took my hand back. I’m in isolation mode. There’s the internal loneliness, that isn’t all […]