General

It was 2013, I wanted to die, planned the attempt precisely but when it came to that final nudge, I couldn’t do it. It was 2014, I wanted to die, I got myself into a very hostile environment, I said to myself maybe I would get lucky! The hostile environment kicked me out! 2016, 2017, 2018, 2019 saw me getting treated for depression! I was sectioned that means (I was forcibly admitted to hospital due to a high risk of harming myself), worst experience ever! Over the years I got treated privately (expensive) and through regular channels. 7 medication schemes later, no improvement. Stopped them […]

that’s what i’m thinking. almost every day. that i won’t make it. the closest to the opposite of that that i sometimes repeat to myself is “i can do it”. those aren’t mutually exclusive.

being happy isn’t hard for me. neither is being calm. but i find it impossible to enjoy anything.

i just keep trying to distance myself from the world, from all the nonsense, but i am just left feeling numb.

i’ve been wondering what could be wrong with me. after i learned to be happy, i noticed that i still lacked confidence. but this – i have no clue what this is. i don’t know […]

so i met up with this caseworker for a 2nd time now n scheduled a 3rd meeting. Still answered questions n signed papers cuz i have to do these 3 meetings before i actually get an appt to see a therapist n psychiatrist. They sent out record requests to the hospitals i was in but since alot of my hospital stays were 20yrs ago, the records at rogers were no longer available. Fingers crossed they get the 1s from winnebago so they can atleast get alil insight and find out what my last diagnosis was. 

But yea it was nice talkin to her for 2hrs again […]

I don’t know why I want to tell this story, I guess it’s just a part of what happened to me, and while it’s not a terribly happy story it can not be erased, and I wouldn’t erase it if I could since at least something good came of it.

I put it on the next page so I could provide a trigger warning here, I kept it kind of vague but there is some sexual content to be wary of.

I’m in the darkest place right now. I can’t trust myself, I feel like at any given moment I am going to do something that I will forever regret. I’m triggered by this anger that I can no longer control. I’m tired of dealing with bullshit I’m tired of just simply breathing. I’m so angry and I know this anger isn’t going to go away anytime soon. Seeing a psychologist is not helping at all and this anger only seems to be getting worst. My biggest regret is ever agreeing to marry a piece of shit abuser narcissistic ************!!! Maybe this time he will kill […]

During the time we were together I felt more feelings than I had ever felt in my life before. I felt like shit but I also felt amazing. I know that I’m probably not mature enough to be in a relationship anyway… or ready in any other way. I don’t want her to kill herself. I know that I wanted her to hate me. I know that she did. I know that she doesn’t. Why is she the only thing that I can think about again? One minute of her attention makes me feel like I’m in heaven and one minute without it makes me […]

I’ll end it when its necessary
Where life comes a complete misery
When the burdens are too much to bear
Where the Agony is worse than physical pain
When i see myself in mirror
I see a lifeless soul
A person who wanted to live
But theres too much to misery to carry

I feel like I’m living in an alternate universe or something. I actually know things could’ve been different if I had just made one choice and not the other. Actually there’s multiple instances that I can remember where I made the wrong decision. And they all added up until I became what I am today. If I could go back in time I would and I’d choose to be more vulnerable with people. I’d actually let people in. My youth was wasted thinking I wasn’t worthy of companionship in any form. I suppose I never stood a chance with the way I was raised at […]

I broke my morals. they were the last thing keeping me together. now I feel like a broken record. I cant even process what just happened and I am so beyond over. I already can know that I am going to hell and theres no point. I am so high right now just to numb the pain. I dont know what to do anymore. life before this was worse and now I can barely breathe if I cry. what happened. like I just do crazy things, come home, regret everything, hurt myself and go out and repeat it everyday. but according to my psychiatrist I […]

Its sad how i was proud of myself for getting out of bed, making it and not getting back in until i was going to sleep. That isn’t an achievement. I should be doing better than that.

i put on some weight last year, i was eating less than usual but i guess drinking everyday was enough for me to gain weight. I hate my body more than i ever have but with struggling to get out of bed in the morning i don’t know how I’m ever going to get the body i want. i also hate how tall i am, i know it […]

I spent a long time getting here, and the more I think about it the more I realize that I am metaphorically in the middle of nowhere, without identity, desire, or direction.

I was someone for a long time, before that I was someone else. It doesn’t matter who, I’m not them now. I don’t think I want to be anybody anymore. Yet, I have a wife, a job, and a family who all assure me they care very much about me. I don’t see how that is so; the agony I’m in, if anyone I love was feeling like this, I’d do anything to fix […]

I don’t think I will ever be happy. I’ve tried everything I can, things will be okay for a couple of weeks and then it always comes crashing down, but I never feel happy. I either feel nothing and completely empty and then I feel everything, I don’t know if it’s because I suppress my feelings for so long to try to be better and then I finally feel all the pain I was holding in. I have tried, I’ll eat healthy for a while, take care of myself, focus on school, stop cutting, I even got a job. But I can never keep up […]

I’m going to see a therapist tomorrow. I guess you could say it’s “my” therapist but I’m not her only client so the better word is “their”, I think. Or, is there any way to say that you associate with someone without implying possesion? The therapist associated with me at the moment. I think I’m supposed to be optimistic but I’m really not. I’m following a step-by-step guide that I created, I have no idea how many steps there are, I just know that I’m on the third one (destroying habits), and what day the other ones started and ended and the names of those […]

The way to deal with a narcissist, for anyone wondering, is to ask them questions. Questions that reveal how empty they are. None of that turn the other cheek crap. Just keep your cool and be nice and keep asking questions and watch them get flustered. It’s how you turn the mirror back on the narcissist.

Everything is dark. A feeling of peace washes over your still body as you take your first breath. The air crisp as your body comes to life. Your eyes opening, met by a blinding light. As your eyes adjust you see a bright blue. You sit up and see nothing but grass and families for miles. And animals of all colors and sizes*. Everyone’s smiling and laughing. Just enjoying the day. People running back and forth between the groups, socializing with everyone. And you know “it’ll be ok now”

*no need too eat so the carnivores don’t have to eat others. eek!

I’ve talked about not being proud. I’ve talked about feeling like a worthless failure. I’ve talked about not being able tp measure up to the tasks given to me. The thing is I don’t want to be successful. I don’t want to be proud. I just want to be ok. I just want to look at myself in the mirror and feel no particular way. I need to be ok.

I just found out that one of my parents’ dogs was put down – advanced lung cancer. They’d only had her 9 months – an old battered rescue dog. The majority of that time I wasn’t even living in the house with her, and even when I was, it’s not like we formed some super close bond. She wasn’t my dog, though I suppose because she was part of the family I became attached.

It still hit me a bit when I found out – I still welled up. Partly that’s because I’m a soft bastard, and I do get easily attached. Someone I’ve become linked […]

I can’t talk to you without a reminder why this isnt working/not going to work.

We’re just different.

“I’m not all about money”

(talking about pet rocks)

I said I’d add dresses and whatnot to them. I said this because I thought it would be cute. He turns it into all about money, “yep might as well get all you can out of it”.

We aren’t alike. We’re too different and I REFUSE to let you turn any of my projects into your get rich quick schemes. My stepfather already tried that bullshit, I’m sorry I have morals.