General

I’m constantly questioning the decision to keep living. I don’t know if it’s purely based on dumb survival instinct, and if there’s any way to overcome that. And if there is, should I?

I know I’m suffering, but it’s not that extreme – just this chronic, middle-of-the-road thing. I’m uncomfortable much of the time, but rarely in excruciating pain. My mental suffering is probably significantly worse than most normal people, but I can numb it at least some of the time.

I can rationalize my fear of death in so many ways – fear of an afterlife, attachment to this world. But I don’t know if any […]

too afraid to do anything about it

fuck man its been like what a year? half a year since i last posted? crazy shit i almost felt better for a bit. shits been annoying man, i cant fuckin pass a year at school and i dont have a job so im not really doing anything except getting yelled at and told off for nothing. my parents basically are just sick of me and since the divorce they dont have eachother to shout at so im basically my mum and my dads verbal punching bag, which kinda sucks. plus all the gyms are gonna close down and my dad relies on his boxing […]

Is fake
Is media chaos
Covid 19 a government sponsored virus

It’s tearing people apart

The endlessness of it all is nauseating

I just want to be strong like I was a few years back to try and attempt again

I’m fucking exhausted

I’m alone
I’m tired

I’m done

I wasn’t supposed to be alive on my 19th birthday , I’ve been trying to kill Myself since I was 11 & told myself i need to be dead by the time I turn 18th I failed so many times but then it got to the point where I would have to stop attempting because I would just fail & it seem that No matter what I tried nothing worked. It got to the point that I would have to stop trying to kill Myself because I had to work the next day so the only thing I could do is cry myself to sleep. […]

Holy shit. Ok, so let me start with this long-ass story about how I am and why I deserve to die finally.

Rewind 15 years ago:

“Young love does not exist”. This was a sentence I read, carved on an oak wooden table by some teenager who did not even know what they wrote.
Teachers would warn me about playing too much, and wasting my years away, how it all would make us fail.

Fast forward 15 years, and here I am as a 31-year-old creature, I guess, with nothing to be proud of. I see an empty face in the mirror, a face I do not know anymore. […]

I can’t breathe.
I woke up & I can’t seem to catch my breath.
It’s like something at the lump of my throat squeezing every inch of me.
Wanting to take all the good I have left in me.
Wanting to take all my will from me.
Do I keep gasping for air or surrender my last breathe?

is anybody here more tired than me?

Hey there lovely fellas, I’m new 😀

Cuz well, to be honest I don’t know what to do any more, where to go and … I don’t know, exist?
I’ve been struggling with sadness (maybe depression but I have no idea actually), anxiety, panic, self-loathing and some other minor issues for several years; last year had a bit of an up as I was in another country; new environment, new start, but this year’s been a hell of a down. Mostly due to Corona I suppose, thanks for that, you damn virus. Also I’ve lost the one I’ve been holding on to, my anchor basically you […]

I feel like we idolize life to be this perfect thing. That it has to feel like a scripted movie or we are not satisfied. I constantly go back and forth of thinking that I expect too much or I am not doing enough. I crave this connection with people. You know when you meet someone and all the emotions and sentences seems to flow so  easily. That spark of connection with a human where you can feel the comfort and urge to want to know more. I’ve come so far from my depression and have tried not to relapse in my mental health. I […]

Days go by and you can notice how it is approaching, every day a little bit more, and you just pretend nothing happens. Day after day, night after night you see the storm getting near and you stay, after all the fear is gone. What are you waiting for?? RUN!!! Cover yourself, run as fast as you can, it’s not possible to win. You could ask for help, but the feeling is somewhat familiar, in fact you know it all too well and you just stare, expecting it will slowly absorb you…. no hunger at all, an insomniac state, cold you can’t shiver away, a […]

all of my rules and shit just because i have anxieties. i know im just scared of losing him but this really isnt fair to him. i hate myself

I can’t keep up with my own self my own feelings my own needs and my own mistakes. I was born in a different country from my wishes. I can’t figure if I believe in god or not while am from a Muslim family and I drink and I lost my virginity and I smoke and do everything I was raised not to do. I even tried gay sex and I have to say I never enjoyed any of them even alit bit. I even thought am asexual but I get excited about sex but I don’t enjoy it when I do it… I feel […]

i remember the way i felt when i was younger, i remember how i would feel when i would go on family trips or go to the toy store. in that moment i felt alive. lately my life has seemed bleak and empty, i mean it has felt this way for a while but usually some moments in life tend to mask that feeling. i feel like i am just a shell of a person and that i don’t matter to anyone, whenever people say i matter i know that’s just bullshit because if i did people would check up on me, people would call […]

I finally found something im passionate about, something that keeps me sane, keeps the bad thought away. i found something in gardening that put me at peace. gave me the motivation to wake up and look forward to something. some may not understand this, but it is my therapy. and today my father said, “you tell us every time theres a new leaf, every little thing.” and to me that was a real big slap in the face with a “we dont care, shut up.” I dont understand why cant anyone just be happy for me. all day i sit there and i listen to […]

I’m bored and tired of my life

My guess is that I’m not ending my life because of a combination of survival instinct, fear of something worse beyond death (hell etc.), and attachment to personal experience (memories.) It’s highly questionable whether that’s the best choice for me, but it seems like it’s at least less likely to devastate my family.

Which leaves me with the question of what to do while I’m still here, besides preparing my exit. I don’t know if I should attempt to pursue anything in this life. It seems wrong to involve myself in the lives of anyone else. I’m honestly a repulsive person (believe me, if you knew […]

There’s a world of a difference between not wanting to be alive and wanting to die and wanting to kill yourself. I spend my days oscillating between the first two. My heart goes out to those who actually do want to kill themselves. I couldn’t imagine harbouring something that intense every day. There’s something so inherently violent in it, so shocking and silencing.

I don’t really hate myself that much, honestly. I can’t hate myself that much, because I still think I’m better than most everybody else. As much as I find it hard to find a point to my life, I wouldn’t wish to have […]