General

people, what makes us the same person?

Reading therapists’ blogs, I see the same stuff. Suicide is wrong. It’s always a sign of irrational thinking. Suicidal people are sick. They just need the right drugs and behavior therapy. SO, it’s OK to restrain them, force them into wards, and force treatment on them. This only keeps me away from any official “mental health” people.

What upsets me more is being told that because I feel a certain way about life, I AM sick. No lab test. No medical data proving it. Other people get to judge my thinking and feeling as wrong. So, no, I won’t talk to them. I’m willing to have […]

“Aspiring readily murder is looking out to haunt strangers in the Night with a Machete.”

You wanted to Help, Dauphnelle. Ready to Kiss me hard. Taking my Hope and waited for Love. Just to disappear, make me longe and look out for you each Day. I wrote all the Feelings I have through it all, made my Memory and Friends up that you is all that is important. You make me cry, you make me sad, each Day was worth to Die. I have been tortured to forget, I had been entertained, I had been chased. People made my Day. But, Nobody could catch a Bullet […]

Why do we have to be gone before people start looking for us? I  keep thinking if people really liked me for me, Or do they only like me for what I do? I try to look for myself in them, in the way they see me but it all feels wrong. I am tired of coming up to people and constantly check up on them. It feels like I, myself, don’t know who I am. Because who I am is what I am to them. At the end of the day, I am no one. It’s almost like I don’t even have a name. […]

i use to trust him and before i would have told him….but not now. theres no one i can tell this too. i have to keep my dark side to myself. if people knew my thoughts at times….im sure they would see me in a different light, even though im not always that way. actually i rarely am and it only would effect those that hurt me. i have no quarrel with innocents.

even though it seems like a good idea if i could pull it off. then no one could steal my friend from me again. 🙁

i just want to trust you again. […]

21 birthday coming soon and I am not ready. I am still not ready to have an intimate relationship and I dont know if I ever will be. I think I made some progress over the years but then I just feel like Im the same shit I always was.  I am not ready to kill myself either. I am stuck. Which one will it be? I wish someone would just like me randomly but I understand.. I dont like myself either. Or if someone just killed me randomly like a car accident. I just want the universe to decide it for me and take […]

Most of us here have no control over the way we live, but to a certain degree we have control over the way we die.  Regardless if it’s in a morbidly brutal fashion with piles of blood and flesh projected and splattered – I preferred if I was nowhere to be found and not to be identified. Just a corpse under the bottom of the sea. The only good thing that I can do for the planet is having my useless carcass be compost and recycled back to nature.

Waiting for the right moment….

Going through countless cycles of watching others pain on Youtube and yet through […]

I currently stand between not wanting to do anything and wanting to live my dream. I’m gradually giving up on everything. My weight is only going up, my mental stability is going way down, the disappointment and sadness in my family is rising, my will to continue is going 6 feet under where I might just end up. I was asked if I was really willing to do something, all I did was say no. I don’t want to do anything anymore because no matter how much I’ve tried I have always failed with an outcome worse than I thought it would be. So today […]

Someone mentioned the best defense being not having any expectations… Here’s what happens when you’ve been pushed to that point that you no longer have ANY expectations for anyone… You have an epiphany.

An epiphany in which I firmly believe the capitalist viewpoint finds its onus, starting with the idea of embracing the idea of using your wealth to not only stay on top, but to also prevent others from climbing to your level BASED on this epiphany… Which is that people are thankless wretches, and if you give of your own will, they develop a hubris.

The capitalist realizes that there is no point in trying […]

i spent my night at work thinking about it and…i dont feel any better. i cant believe he would do something like that to me. the worse part is he hates my other friends but at least they wouldnt pull a stunt like this and would stand behind me. i miss him and i want all of this to be ok but every time i go to his messages my chest hurts and i feel sick and betrayed.

i trusted him. he knew everything. i would spent nights crying and he would stay up and talk to me. this really fucking hurts and i want […]

I haven’t been able to live and enjoy my life yet. There is always something sinking me to the bottom of the darkest holes. And each time I drag myself out its like leveling up and the next set of shit becomes more and more impossible. 2019 was an awful year, a draining year, the year that literally killed me inside. The year I wanted to blow my brains out more than I ever had before in my life. The year that I cut again so deep that I have a huge scar reminding me of how defeated I am. And then 2020 comes and […]

you befriended my enemies! how could you do that to me. they helped everyone else with my downfall and you worked so hard to bring me back up just so you could fucking befriend them.

he broke my heart, shattered my trust and stabbed my back……im not sure i ever want to talk to him

I have an attitude problem. Or a personality problem. Personality disorder/s. The problem is me. My feelings, my thoughts, the way I react to the world. When I see something I want but can’t have, my response is despair. Rather than making the most of whatever I do have. Because what’s the point, if I can’t have that crucial, essential, fundamental thing? Everything else becomes meaningless in comparison.

I can go through the motions, and try to make the most of my situation. But it’s like carrying a dead weight around – my hearts not in it. So inevitably i retreat back into dysfunction. Because I […]

I’ve never liked lying to myself and I always have been true and expressive with myself, wherever possible.

As of lately, my partner has said that I’m coming off ‘too strong’, despite me holding back a lot already. I’ve began distancing myself emotionally, rarely mentioning about my feelings for him anymore and I don’t speak of majority of the thoughts and ideas pertaining him. I’ve been keeping myself busy with study but when I finally climb into bed I find myself crying because it’s difficult lying to oneself. So I began to wonder, and entertained myself, by imagining situations with him. Imaginery situations where I’d openly […]

Its so bad. I want human contact. I want a shoulder to cry on. I want to cry and no matter how much I cry, that person should not leave. I need someone desperately to talk to. I want to let my heart out and just tell that someone everything about me, and they should not leave me even after that. They should love me for whoever I am, selfish, rude, liar, ugly, pathetic. I really long for human contact and touch, like not being physical but they can just hug me and let me cry as much as I want to.

Mine lately have been:
The GooGoo Dolls actually I like a lot of their songs: Iris, Broadway, Name, Sympathy, Better Days
Little House by The Fray
Chapter One by Lifehouse
Get Out Alive and Never Too Late by 3 Days Grace

I think I’m getting better. My dissociation isnt what it typically is today. Did I finally wake up… Better? As much as I hate to I’m going to have to keep this to myself for a bit. I don’t want to get everyone’s hopes up. But if I’m right and this only keeps improving I think I can finally heal. Not completely but enough to make life worth while. I’ll tell them when I’m sure it’s not just a fluke.

It’s so nice to be able to touch and interact with things again.

I can feel things and hear things and see. I don’t want […]